


The To-do-List

by JackGywer



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Psychological stress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2018-09-25 09:50:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 39
Words: 62,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9813977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackGywer/pseuds/JackGywer
Summary: Jack O'Neill gets a serious diagnosis and has to fight with the resulting consequences.Sam/Jack!Thank you Irelandfaith1118 for your great beta work :)





	1. Chapter 1

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Lost in thought, she leafs through her files until a soft knock on her open office door makes her look up. Grateful for the interruption, she notices who it is and smiles. 

"Colonel, what can I do for you?" she asks the Air Force Colonel, who has become a good friend since they met here at the SGC. 

His appearance here in her office worries the doctor, since he is voluntarily seen at her workplace rather rarely. A little nervous, he approaches her desk after he has made sure that he has closed the door behind him, then he sits down in the chair in front of her. Somehow, the young woman does not feel good about what's coming, but she patiently waits until Jack O'Neill speaks out. But even after some time he just sits there, his gaze fixed on a point.  
Janet Frasier decides to speak to him, his behavior is strange to her and she starts to worry about him. 

"Colonel?" 

He looks at her with his dark, brown eyes. With a deep breath, he takes a moment to find the words.

"Sorry Doc, I do not know how to start. It is about something personal, very personal. I want to ask you for something! It is very important! I can rely on you for it to stay between us? I mean medical secrecy and so?”

"You know that! Whatever it is, sir, it remains among us. So how can I help you?"

Jack O'Neill looks at his hands resting on his lap and begins to speak softly. Very quietly. Janet has to show some effort in order to understand him. His voice, somehow changed, quiet, calm, and yet so disturbing. After telling her his concern, the doctor has tears in her eyes. She cannot believe what he just told her.

"Are you positive? I mean there is no alternative? " 

"No!"  
"And no chance that ......... ..."

"Doc, it's as sure as the Amen in the church."

Jack interrupts the sobbing woman, but apologizes immediately for his frenzied behavior by means of a gesture. 

"And I can rely on you? Not a word to anyone!"

Janet Frasier nods sadly. Jack O'Neill pulls an envelope out of his pocket and hands it to her. On the small white envelope, in his handwriting, in large black letters, reads "Samantha Carter". Janet takes the envelope hesitantly.

"Would not it be better if you talk to her Jack?"

He shook his head vehemently.

"I cannot, I cannot tell her all that I would like to tell her! I'm not good at such things and it would only hurt her more. I needed the whole night to get those few lines.”

“Do not you think that hurts her more than anything you say? I mean, a letter ......... it's so ....... " 

"Coward?" 

"Sir, I did not want to say it," she says, shaking her head. "It will be destroyed." 

"I do not want to hurt her, this is the last thing I want, but she will be, either way. I cannot look into her eyes and tell her that I am .......... " 

He jumps up, turns away from her and buries his face in his hands. She also gets up and walks slowly towards him. Lovingly, she grabs him, pulls him carefully into a friendly embrace.

"All right, Jack. It's all right.” she consoles him.

Jack had thought he could at least go through this conversation without a strong show of emotion. What had he thought? Even the talk with Janet takes him completely out of the concept. No, he cannot talk to Sam. His decision is correct; he is certain of it. It is so much better for all involved. After a what seems like an eternity in Janet's arms, he finds his words again.

"Thanks Janet!" 

"What are friends for?" 

She asks the question softly, while feeling an infinitely thick lump in her throat. She was thinking about her daughter; how would she explain it to Cassandra? Jack, her "Colonel". He is always like a big brother to her, her Idol, a buddy, the two always have nonsense in their heads. With this thought, Janet allows a smile to escape. Jack O'Neill does not miss this either. He looks at her a bit astonished but with her next words, he understands. 

"Colonel, would you do me a favor, in return? Would you come to dinner tonight? Cassie would be delighted."

God Cassandra, he did not even think about the girl! How could he forget her? It costs him a lot of effort to control his emotions. 

"I forgot Cassie, how could I forget her?" he almost cries.  
"Cassie," he whispered in horror.

"Jack, what do you mean?" 

"I've made a list of all the important things I want to do, and I've just forgotten Cassandra." 

"Sir, you have not forgotten Cassie, you're under enormous pressure, understandably, and your head is full of things. Besides, I have taken care of Cassie for you! So? This evening?" 

"I'll be there! Only Cassie and ........." 

"You and me!" 

Jack hugs Janet and whispers: "Thank you Janet, you’re a good friend, a great mother and the best doctor anyway! Thank you for everything."

Then he turns abruptly and leaves her office.  
The doctor breaks out in tears, she leans against the cold wall to hold herself up. With such a thing she certainly had never expected this!


	2. Chapter 2

Jack O'Neill strolls along the infinitely appearing corridors of the SGC to his office. The first hurdle has been taken! His head is full of thoughts, but he only tries to think of what is important to him before the inevitable will occur, but that is easier said than done.  
The thoughts in his head continue to circle, causing severe headaches. Headaches he does not really need nor have time for right now. He rummages in his desk drawer, removes a small tube with tablets, takes one of the pills and swallows it dry. His gaze falls on the piece of paper in his drawer. The list! He is angry, angry at himself, how could he forget Cassandra? He asks himself over and over again. With a trembling hand he takes out the piece of paper and throws it in front of him on the table. Impatiently, he fumbles for a pencil. When it slips out of his fingers, he growls in anger.   
Daniel Jackson, the young archaeologist, leans against the door frame and watching his boss and good friend for a minute, cannot resist a snappy comment. Jack looks frightened and tries hastily to let the now half-crumbling note disappear in his shirt pocket. This only arouses the interest of his friend even more into what the document is that Jack is trying unsuccessfully to hide.

"What are you hiding there, Jack?" he asks curiously.

Jack waved his hand and tried to quickly to change the subject by asking Daniel for his advice on the latest translation. Daniel, in his element, begins talking and Jack wonders why he asked him for heaven's sake. His headaches are getting even more unbearable.

"Uh Daniel, my head! Could you be brief?"

Daniel, looking at Jack in surprise, could not help but comment on this reoccurring ailment of Jack’s.

 

"Headache again, Jack? This is not normal, even for you. You should do something about it. And I do not mean all those painkillers that you are constantly swallowing. You should talk about it with Janet."

 

"I do not need any advice from you Daniel. You need to take care of your own affairs!" he shouts angrily.

Jack feels that his disastrous nature of the past has already become a problem for himself. He does not want to react like that, but he cannot help it. He rubs his temples, looking at Daniel apologetically. Sure, he could explain to Daniel and the others his whole situation, but he cannot. No, he has decided to figure it out by himself. The last thing he wants is to be a burden to his friends or to cause them suffering. However, he is afraid that this time it cannot be avoided! Bad enough that he had to involve Janet, actually he had no choice in the matter - she would have known since she was his doctor anyway.  
Jack suddenly remembered General Hammond. He has his appointment with the general. He will not be happy about his plans. The thoughts in his head circling incessantly until Daniel gently grabs him on the shoulder. 

"Is everything all right, Jack?" he asks anxiously.

"Yes, excuse me Daniel, I did not mean to go off on you like that, I did not mean it, it's just .......... I'm really sorry!"

Daniel notices that Jack keeps his gaze pinned at the ground the whole time he is speaking.

"Alright Jack! Can I help you somehow?” he asks, noticing, that something is wrong with his friend.

"I cannot be helped anymore," he murmurs softly, more to himself.

Daniel frowns questioningly: "Did you say something Jack?"

"No, nothing! It´s all right Danny." he lies.

Daniel, seeing that he was not going to be able to help Jack or find out what was troubling him, starts to leave when Jack waves him back into the office.

"Having lunch? About one o'clock? "he asks, grinning.

The archaeologist nods with a small smile, leaving Jack alone again, but knowing deep inside that there is something going on. Alone again with his thoughts, Jack notices that at least his headaches are slowly getting better, thank God! This remedy, which has been prescribed to him, is a true miracle. With a trembling hand he takes the crumpled note from his pocket and completes it, still angry at himself!

He has every right to be furious, angry at the whole cursed world, but he is not! He's just mad at himself! He gets up to go to his meeting with General Hammond, not even noticing that he isso angry that his chair bounces off the wall behind him.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two weeks before:

Colonel Jack O'Neill sits on one of the beds in the hospital and tells her everything, at least everything that Doctor Fraiser considers necessary. His constant headaches make the doctor worried. After all the examinations which are available to her, but ultimately no result, she decided to send the officer to a neurologist, who is to check him through thoroughly.

Although the patient considers this to be completely overdrawn, he promises that he will keep the appointment. This appointment was over a week ago and they scrutinized over every test possible. Then he was sent home without a word. They would give him a call if there was anything to report.  
Yesterday came the call finally, they told him to come in for a conversation. He had thought of many things – but this diagnosis was a pure shock. 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That his condition has deteriorated considerably in the last week, of course, has not escaped him. The headaches have become more frequent and violent. The usual painkillers no longer worked and in one day, it was so bad that he lost consciousness.  
At first, the headaches came only at night and lying down, and quickly left as soon as he got up. But now, they come during the day and do not disappear so easily. The worst thing is when this bloody nausea comes. At first he tried to counteract it, but now he knows, it is best to put his finger in his throat and bring himself to vomit. This brings at least quick relief.  
The conversation with the doctor was sober and cold, that was fine, he liked it better that way. Unimaginable, if he had had to have this conversation with Janet. The time seemed to stand still, while the doctor spoke and told him the whole extent of his illness. He has a choice? He's a shit, Jack thought, while the man enumerated his alternatives, not that he had any big choice at all.  
Jack felt as if he were paralyzed! However, it was immediately clear he did not want any of the alternatives. No! He rejected all treatment alternatives. The only thing Jack O'Neill gave his consent was a prescription for the pain. This was only so that he could go on with his everyday life – if he could call it that at this point.


	3. Chapter 3

The next night was marked by insomnia, not that this was anything new. In the last few weeks he had not slept a night yet that was considered restful. But this night was different, restlessly walking through his house, not sure how to deal with this situation. After a while, he sat down on the couch in front of the TV and using the center table scribbled a few notes on a scrap of paper. There are things he absolutely had to do, and he hated it but he had to deal with it so that no one suspected that something was wrong with him.  
He did not want to bother anyone, no, he does not want to involve anyone in this. At least no more people than absolutely necessary. First, he had to talk to Janet tomorrow morning, she had to involved whether he wanted her to be or not. The neurologist's findings would come to her in the next few days and he would rather tell her himself, even if he did not know at the moment how to do it. Thousands of thoughts shot through his head, over and over again. After pondering half the night and laying out a plan for his "future," (when he thought about this word, he had to laugh cynically) he was also a little proud of himself and his plan.

He would be talking to the General today, explaining his situation. Officially they would call it a holiday, his remaining time would be spent in his cabin in Minnesota. He has always dreamed of this, even if the circumstances are different than imagined. On the table in front of him lay a little piece of paper, a list of things he had yet to do, as soon as possible. The first point, he stuck directly.  
The letter to Sam! He had taken hours to compose even these few lines to the woman he loved. He could not confront her and tell her what he felt for her, clearly she knew it, but it was important to him that he showed her his deep love, even if he could not do it personally. He could not look her in the eyes and tell her his grave news, he just could not do it! For a long time, he had wondered if he was taking the right path by writing a letter to her, but he did not know any other way. Sam would hate him, yes she would hate him for what he had done, or rather had not done. He was sure, but it was the only way in his eyes!

Unsurpassed fatigue came over him suddenly, so with shaky hands he put the document to Sam in a small envelope and tried to label it. This took a lot of effort and after several attempts, he was trembling not only in his hands but his whole body. When the rest of his body began to tremble, he had to admit that he was exhausted, so he decided to lay down on the couch, just a few minutes until he could feel a little better, but a short time later he was asleep.  
The little time Jack slept – he slept fitfully, his pupils moving violently under his closed lids. Twitching, he was suddenly startled, sitting with his hands in front of his eyes on the couch, completely sweaty and breathing heavily. Damn, he did not remember falling asleep. He found it hard to remember that he had dreamed at all, but what he had dreamed was one he did not enjoy, to say the least. A look at the clock told him it was time to get up and start the day, sure that it would be one of his most difficult days in a long time. He hated the idea of lying to his friends, but it was best for all, the officer was convinced. 

After some time and a lot of attention to grooming in the bathroom, he felt quite fit and with a few cups of coffee in his stomach, he set out for the SGC. In his head he tried to put his words right, with how he was going to explain the whole situation to Janet. But he did not succeed, the words failed to come to mind on what he would say. But then, how did he expect to think of something to say to Doc when he could not even master staying on the road, he realized when he found himself driving on the terrain.


	4. Chapter 4

The conversation with the General went better than expected. After describing his situation to his superiors, it felt at least a piece of the weight had fallen from his shoulders. General Hammond treated it objectively, he knew only too well that it was what Jack O'Neill preferred. Again and again he called him son, his way of showing his appreciation for the man who had grown into his heart, although he often made life difficult for him. 

After the Colonel had left, George Hammond muttered deeply and tried to get his emerging emotions under control. This was definitely a black day for the Stargate program. His next move sent his hand automatically to the telephone. He had promised Jack to keep silent, but there was one person who had to be informed about it at all costs. There was no way around it, but Jack O'Neill knew that.

Jack's extreme tension had subsided, he felt good for the moment, better than he had in the last 24 hours and was ready for the next point on his list! The path led him to the training area of the base, where the well-built Jaffa Teal'c was already preparing for their training. In the back of his mind, Jack prayed that Teal’c would not see that he was not at his usual performance once they began training. The little sleep he’d had the last few nights and especially the preceding night had exhausted him quite well, he had to admit.  
The Jaffa had an uncanny sense for others, which sometimes makes Jack uneasy. Not a particularly talkative man, but when it mattered, the words bubbled out of him. It had taken a while, but Jack soon realized that Teal'c was much wiser than he wanted to make people think he was. Jack should have caught onto this sooner – for he did the same thing. A good military trick learned in the field.  
After warming up, they began their training. Boxing was Teal’c’s favorite Tauri sport, Jack remembered. Teal’c was also very good at it, and it was sometimes hard for Jack to remind him that when training, one is fighting each other only for fun and does not intend to really hurt his opponent. That was simply incomprehensible to him. 

Today, Jack had a lot of trouble to avoid Teal’c’s flying fists. The Jaffa did not escape the fact that his opponent and friend not only lacked concentration because he already sweated heavily after a few minutes and breathed heavily. After he hit his chin, he thought it is advisable to do something. 

"O'NEILL, you must concentrate! Watch your cover! Fists up!" 

It was hard for Jack to hold his arms up. He simply lacked the necessary strength. The next blow hit him hard on the head, and Jack staggered, confused and blindly, before he fell to the mat and finally remained motionless.

 

As the air force officer came back to consciousness, he lay on one of the infirmary beds. Great, he thought sarcastically as he tried to sit up carefully before he even registered that he was not alone in the room. He was immediately hindered when someone pushed him back to his lying position.  
Janet! Protesting did nothing to help him. The small, but very resolute doctor had her rules and her opinion was the only one that had been allowed in these rooms and Jack had to remember to accept that all too often in the past years. But that never stopped him from hating it! Every time! Especially this time!

"You're staying Colonel! You were unconscious, and this should not be taken lightly, sir," 

Janet told him, while looking at him with concern shining through her eyes. He had to be careful here. Janet knew about his situation and he was on dangerous ground. She could put him on bed rest right here in her infirmary until she deemed he was fit if she wanted to. 

"Oh come on Janet! Teal'c knocked me out. Not unusual in boxing! By the way, congratulations T, you sent me to the mat, face down." 

Jack grinned at the worried Jaffa, although the smile did not reach his eyes, who was also at the bedside.

"That was not my intention O'Neill. And this is not funny, "

Teal’c stated sternly to Jack without forgiveness. Jack could tell that Teal’c was also worried but he had to try to keep things as casual as possible – no one else could know.

"I do not like this at all," said the doctor sternly, her hands on her hips.

Jack O'Neill rolled his eyes, which was not a good idea. He felt slight dizziness. 

"No sense of humor," he muttered to himself. 

"Headaches, dizziness or other complaints sir?" 

Janet Fraiser asked him immediately when she noticed that his face had gone deathly white again, while she checked his pupils again with her penlight.

"No, no, and again no. I'm fine," he lied. 

But Janet Fraiser, was not just anyone, she knew Jack O'Neill too well and could feel that he was not honest with her. After Janet had asked Teal'c to leave the room, she talked earnestly with the Colonel. She gave him one of her stern speeches, oh Jack O'Neill knew them all! He was really trying to concentrate on what she had to say, but as usual, his not too large attention span was quickly passing and his thoughts drifted off.  
Janet groaned and paused as she noticed. The last thing she wanted to do in Jack's situation was to make his life even harder, but she was also worried, feeling he was even more light-hearted than usual in his actions. Boxing! She just could not believe it. What was he thinking? The last thing he needed to be doing was beating his skull. She had really tried to make him understand that. 

Only after more than an hour, filled with many promises that the officer had to give to his doctor, and the most faithful dog eyes he could muster, Janet was no longer able to hold him. In her most stern tone, she called after him, as he fled formally and disappeared quickly out of the door.

"Should there be something, I am here! And no more boxing matches Colonel!"

Jack did not understand why Janet had made such a fuss as he headed back toward his office. As if it would still make any difference! As he walked through the base, he suddenly thought of Samantha Carter. He was only glad that she was not at the base now, but at the academy. She took care of the new “brainy” generation for the Stargate program. As much as he loved that woman, and just because of his love for her, he was sure, it would be best if he had already left before she came back.  
Back at his desk, he scratched off the second item on his list, putting the shredded piece of paper back in the drawer of the desk.  
He rubbed his eyes with his palms. The fatigue overpowered him gradually, and his head still hurt lightly.  
Without his even being aware of it, he fell asleep, his whole body surrendering to the need of it.  
Then someone knocked at the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Jack attempted to sit up quickly. The Officer did not want whoever was at the door to see him “sleeping” at his desk. Apparently, it took longer than he thought to get his head up because as he lifted it, he looked directly into the worried face of his friend. Teal'c wanted to inquire about his friend again, he felt so bad about what had happened, felt it was his fault. But Jack did not want to hear about it, and dismissed that thought from him very sharply. He assured his friend that everything was alright, but Jack could tell by his reaction that Teal’c did not believe him. Jack rubbed his eyes, but the haze in front of his eyes simply would not disappear. 

"Listen T! I'm simply tired, okay? But not anymore! I want you to know that I still intend to train with you my friend. Give me a sec and I will send you to see the doctor.” 

Jack tried to joke so that Teal’c would not worry so much but he could tell it was not working.   
Teal'c was aware that no matter how much he disagreed with his friend, that Jack would never admit that anything was wrong. The officer was stubborn. So he just nodded and watched Jack as feelings flitted across the man’s face. Jack was angry about something and Teal’c would do anything to find out what. He would have to wait – and that was okay because like most Jaffa – waiting came with their nature.

Jack's mood reached the zero point when, without actually wanting to, he allowed thoughts to enter his mind that he would rather not have. He had planned this so perfectly, not letting anyone see that there was anything wrong with him. But that was easier said than done as Jack soon learned. It was Teal’c again that finally tore him from his thoughts as he mentioned lunch and as Jack looked at his watch, he knew, it was now time for his meeting with Daniel. That would be point three on his list.

The archaeologist was already sitting at one of the tables, waiting for him. Jack was not particularly hungry, just grabbing a piece of dry chocolate cake and a cup of hot coffee. Contrary to normal, the Air Force Colonel was not very talkative today. He did however, seem to enjoy Daniel's company. He listened to his tales, did not interrupt him, did not talk, did not comment, and did not try to change the subject. Daniel secretly wondered about his friend's unusual behavior, but said nothing.  
Daniel could not help but notice just how tired the man looked. Every few minutes Jack was busy yawning and Daniel wondered if the man had slept at all in the last few days. It was only when Dr. Frasier and General Hammond entered the room and sat down at another table, that Jack's attention seemed to rise again. His eyes wandered over and over again to the table on the other side of the room where they were sitting. He had the unpleasant feeling that he was the main topic in the very excited conversation that the two officers were having.   
The Colonel observed them closely. He knew that his guess was not wrong, he was definitely the center of the conversation. The doctor informed her superior about the illness and the current condition of Colonel O’Neill, which was part of her duties. Janet had talked with the neurologist this morning, immediately after Jack was through talking to her. In her mind she found this to be impossible, there was no way this could be true. The colleague gave her all the documents by e-mail and she studied them over and over again. Between the last MRI here and the one the neurologist ordered, was just a week. For the longest time she stared at the x-ray, praying what she saw was wrong but it did not change. A tumor sat in the brain of Colonel Jack O’Neill.   
The position of the tumor itself proved an operation was impossible and the size rendered it hopeless and proved that it had been around for a while. This explained the symptoms that the Colonel had had for some time and she assumed that he had several different ones, several times a day. Knowing him the way she did, Janet also knew that he had concealed them not only from her but from his team.   
Janet still did not understand all of this. Jack O'Neill was regularly checked by her, as were all the others who participated in the missions through the gate. His physicals were always fine, a few bumps and bruises, a broken bone here and there but not anything as drastic as a tumor. She did not know how it was possible, and that was what she told General Hammond. The General had already wondered why she had not noticed this before. He knew from personal experience that cancer did not spread this rapidly so what was going. 

“What do you think doctor? What are we talking about here? "He asked seriously. 

"Sir, I do not know, to be honest," she confided. Colonel O'Neill declined treatment to help with this. He knows the usual treatment methods would extend his life, but there is no guarantee that they will work. He also knows that his way of life would be seriously hindered and he does not want that.”

“As far as I understand, he would rather spend three to six "good" months, than twelve months with all the treatments and not be able to live a life. That was the extent of the life that the doctor had given him. More than twelve to fifteen months of life expectancy is unlikely. The tumor has just been discovered too late. But he can spend quite a while without major complaints."   
Janet Frasier always looked professional when she described situations like this. Objective and sober. This was her job, but inside her, she was falling apart. Janet closed her eyes and shook her head. She hated this the most when it came to her job but this case hit hard because she knew Jack O’Neill so well. She also knew that the complaints were coming sooner then she had anticipated and she could only expect that time was running out fast.


	6. Chapter 6

Jack O'Neill was suddenly very restless and seemed to be getting more and more nervous. He would have liked to know what Janet had to discuss with the general so intensely. When it came to him, did he not have the right to be there? He should be able to hear what they said about him.   
Carelessly he pushed his chair back while his attention was constantly on the table at the other end of the room. As an air man passed close to him, Jack almost lost his balance when he tried to stand up. Without warning, the officer jumped up, grabbed the completely stunned man by the throat, and pushed him forcibly against the wall behind him.   
The whole room was suddenly in a great uproar, and someone tried to pull the officer away from his victim, shouting out his name. But the man acting as if he was out of his mind and did not seem to notice anything around him anymore. He only pressed his opponent more firmly against the concrete wall, the man slowly losing the air in his lungs. Everyone in the cafeteria stared at him, bewildered. Nobody could explain what had suddenly entered the Air Force officer. When he had finally let go of his victim, he trembled all over, holding his head with both hands, and then he collapsed.  
Daniel knelt beside his friend and tried to talk to him. But Jack O'Neill did not seem to hear anything at all, he only kept his hands on his aching head, praying the pain would go away. The General had meanwhile cleared the entire cafeteria. Spectators were the last thing they needed here now. After Janet had assured herself that the attacked man was doing well and that he had not provoked the attack intentionally.   
Janet then knelt down by Jack. The man did not react to her either. The doctor searched in his pockets, hoping to find the tablets that had been prescribed, but she did not find anything. She spoke to him in a calm tone. She expected Jack to suffer from a severe headache, so she throttled her volume.

"Colonel, where are the pills?" She asked the whimpered and heavily trembling man quietly.

Daniel remembered how he had watched Jack as he swallowed a tablet and left the bottle in his desk. 

"I know where they are!" Daniel shouted almost, running off. 

As fast as he could, he moved through the corridors to his friend's office, tore open the desk drawer, and rummaged through searching for the bottle of pills. He found them within seconds, and his gaze fell on the piece of paper that his friend wanted to hide from him this morning. No Daniel, the man admonished himself, closed the drawer again and ran back as fast as he could. To see Jack like that was just terrible and Daniel Jackson wondered what was wrong with his friend. This time, Jack could not dismiss it so easily, he obviously was not doing well and this incident was the proof for the linguist.

 

Jack was already lying on one of the beds in the hospital and stared angrily at the ceiling. Janet forced him to be here, but the Air Force Colonel saw no need for it. He was angry and felt unjustified. Well, he might have acted too hard in the cafeteria, but it had not been intentional. Somehow he had suddenly lost control. Under the circumstances, the General wanted to dismiss the consequences, and he should be grateful. He should be glad not to be sitting in a detention cell. The General had made it plain that he was already cleared.   
Jack O'Neill would have liked to run away when his boss came in with Doctor Mackenzie. If he hated someone, then it was Colonel James Mackenzie, the psychiatrist, who also worked for the SGC, and he also made no secret of it. Frasier and Hammond thought it advisable to bring him in to talk to Jack. Jack's opinion did not count in this decision, which annoyed him all the more and he refused from that moment every conversation with both doctors.

Mackenzie gave up after a while, but he tried again to get Jack to think about it. He expressed the opinion that in such a diagnosis, one also needs psychological help. Jack O'Neill laughed internally, for this was not something he would ever chose. ‘Why did not they just leave him alone’, he wondered. The only thing he wanted was to be gone! Away from here! At least the pounding pain in his skull had now gone. 

Lost in thought, he continued to stare at the ceiling when Janet entered the room again to see him. She gave Jack O'Neill a delicate, honest smile as she looked into his sullen face. 

"You're still awake, Colonel. Did I not tell you that you will stay here until you've slept a little? You need rest and especially sleep! You are exhausted and if you do not allow your body to rest, then it will take it. So sleep sir. " 

"Is that an order?" he asked defiantly. 

"Let's call it a recommendation sir. But if you do not want to follow the advice of your doctor, I cannot let you go!" 

"Oh, this is typical! You're only happy if you can pin me here? "He almost shouted again. 

"Sleep Jack,"

Janet said softly, smiling gently at him. His hostile behavior, she did not take offense to it, she knew he did not been the anger towards her. But he was angry at her because she had called for Doctor Mackenzie. But the small doctor could handle it, it was not the first time that Colonel Jack O'Neill had behaved to her like that. 

"Janet, you don’t understand. I can’t sleep."

Then he confessed to her, his eyes always directed to the ceiling. He'd like to sleep, that way he would not have to think about anything. He was dead tired, but he just could not rest. 

"I can give you something to sleep Colonel."

She could tell by his face; he was thinking about it. 

"So sir?" She asked for a moment, hoping he would agree. There was no reaction from his side, he stared sullenly at the ceiling. 

"Jack, please, you need sleep, and urgently. Then you will feel better, believe me."

He nodded at last, but would not look into her face. He was so ashamed of his behavior toward her. He had not been cooperative, he had even scolded her, although he knew deep inside him, she meant well, wanted to help him.   
Janet finally gave him a small dose of a mild sedative; was certain it was enough, so that he could get some sleep. After she had given him the injection, she gave him a light touch on his arm and a friendly smile. Jack's eyes grew heavier and heavier a few minutes later. Still, the doctor could see, the man tried to go against it.

"Jack, let it happen! Just relax, "she whispered. 

And finally he gave into sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

When Janet left the room, she almost collided with Daniel, who had been running around the hall like a chimpanzee. The doctor knew Doctor Jackson very well now and could imagine how anxious the young man was about his friend. However, Janet knew even with her friendship with Daniel, she could not break her secrecy, no matter how bad she wanted to.   
Because what Jack O'Neill needed now more than anything was support from his friends, even if he did not think so at the moment. Janet hoped very much that the stubborn man would at some time give himself a shake and confide in someone. But Jack O’Neill was the type of man that had to find out for himself when he needed help. Sadly, Janet knew it was something that would never change. But as it was often said, the hope dies last. Therefore, all she could do was hope.  
Daniel attacked the young woman at once with lots of questions. He did not even take the time to get a breath of air. Finally, Janet grabbed him with both hands on his shoulders and forced him to give her his attention. She wondered again and again whether this was only a phenomenon of the SGC, or whether men generally had slight attention deficits. Her last date with a real guy had been so long ago that she did not have any real memories.  
Slightly aggravated, she pushed the linguist to one of the uncomfortable chairs, which were located against the walls of the corridor, trying to keep him silent so not to wake Jack back up.

"Stop it!" she cried, as he kept chattering.

The young archaeologist looked at her with wide eyes, and actually paused for a moment to open his mouth again, but Janet Frasier held a hand warning: 

"Now I'm the only one talking Daniel," she said firmly. 

"To answer your first and most important question, Colonel O’Neill is doing well. He is sleeping. Sleep is what he urgently needs right now and he has not gotten much in the past few days. After that, he will feel much better. I cannot say any more than that. If you want to know anything else, you will have to ask the Colonel yourself.” 

Janet said the last sentence quite professionally, but Daniel could see that she wanted so bad to confide in someone the hurt that she herself was having to hide.

"Then I might as well just talk to the wall behind me! Janet, you know how he is.” Daniel said defiantly.

Janet put her hand on his and told him again to talk to Jack, to at least try to get Jack to tell him what was going on. She had the slightest hope that maybe Daniel could get his friend to talk to him before he did something stupid. Above all, she was afraid the stubborn Air Force officer would make his plan come true, and disappear to Minnesota. She had made up her mind to talk to him about it once he had dinner with her tonight. She guessed the officer was not quite sure what was going to happen to him. Even though the worst of the crises had not happened yet, what had happened so far had turned his life upside down. Janet knew that with an illness like this, it was almost impossible to cope with alone, and she wanted Jack to know that, to know that he had friends to help him through this. However, she felt so sure that he would not listen to her and it saddened her greatly.

Daniel Jackson could tell by Janet’s words and actions that whatever was wrong with his friend, it certainly was not insignificant. He had so hoped that the doctor could soothe him as she always did and reassure him that everything would be alright, but this time she did not. She had not said anything else, but her tone and hints still blindsided the young man. After a while, she left him alone, she still had a lot to do. Daniel headed back down the corridor to his office, not that he would be able to concentrate on his work, no, not after what had happened. He sat down at his desk, put his glasses aside, rubbed his slightly reddened eyes before reaching for the phone. He knew what to do!

 

Janet was also sitting tense at her desk, reviewing all the recent research in Jack's file. She just could not understand how any of this was possible. Mistakes happen, of course, we are all just human, she thought, but in this case, it was not about a mistake! Suddenly Janet stumbled upon a thought, a thought she did not like and yet it seemed it could be possible. The only logical explanation in her mind was deliberate manipulation of the results of the investigation. 

At the thought, she was really sick. The more she thought about it, the more logical it seemed to her. Suddenly she jumped up, swept all the files with one hand from the table and cried with tears in her eyes: 

"Why? Who is doing such a terrible thing? " 

Then she fell back into her chair, laid her head on her arms, which now rested on the table and let her feelings run wild. All day she had managed to remain largely professional, to suppress her feelings, but that was even now too much for the doctor herself.


	8. Chapter 8

Jack O'Neill strolled through the base on his way to his final destination. Janet Frasier kept her promise to him and let him out of the hospital after sleeping for two hours. Admittedly, he was still exhausted, but felt better, then he did at midday. It even surprised the man that the anxious doctor actually let him go after what had happened. However, Janet had made a list of conditions, and only after agreeing to them, was he allowed to leave the infirmary.   
Lost in thought, he now stood in the briefing room and gazed wistfully through the glass window on the stone ring. There it stood, powerful and still impressive for him- The Stargate. It would still be there when he was long gone. Memories came to mind of his first trip through the gate. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

"Colonel?" 

"General, I wanted ... ..I am sorry," he whispered. 

He wanted to say so much, apologize for his behavior, but he just did not know how to do it. General Hammond just nodded, standing right next to his 2IC, shoulder-to-shoulder as they stood in front of the window, glancing together into the gateroom. It was a complete silence between them and in the room until Jack suddenly spoke

"Farewells are not my thing, sir!" 

The older man paused briefly, then began to speak. 

"Jack, do you really just want them to disappear? Without a word? Do you not think your team deserves to know what's going on?" 

He ran his hand through his hair, which was already disheveled. 

"No!! I can’t, it's better, for all!" He said firmly. 

General Hammond knew the man well enough to know that nothing he would say could change Jack O'Neill's opinion in any way. Even knowing how stubborn he was, General Hammond made sure Jack knew that no matter what happened, he could always count on his help. Jack was more than a little moved by the words of his commanding officer. The General was not a man of heroics either, but he always hit the mark with what he said. 

"In view of today's events, I must let you know that Dr. Frazier and I are forced to change your plans, Colonel. Both Daniel Jackson and Teal'c have noticed that your health is not as good now as it once was. That is why I will tell your team. Doctor Frasier has put   
you leave for health reasons and prescribed rest and relaxation. This sounds plausible and should suffice for the time being. Everything else will come to past as the time comes closer." 

The Air Force officer did not let his gaze drop off the gateroom, just nodded and thanked the General calmly. Time was exactly what he did not have. Dr. Frasier had described her conjectures in details to the General during the time that Colonel O'Neill had slept. The man was just as shocked as the doctor herself. They both agreed immediately not to inform the Colonel of it, so far it was only conjectures. But the general wondered secretly why the otherwise so critical man had not asked himself why the tumor had not been discovered.   
Considering Jack O'Neill's situation, however, George Hammond assumed that the man had quite different worries and thoughts. 

After a while, Jack went back to his office, wanted to get some personal things before he finally left the base. Very important to the man was the list, which still lay in the drawer of his desk. After he had fished the list out of the drawer, he marked off the third point and put the note in his right pocket with the pills. Janet had made it clear to the officer that the bottle with the tablets was to be treated like a permanent campaign, and he was to never leave home or anywhere else without them.   
A loud knock on the door suddenly caused him to wince. The frightened man bent down under his desk, did not want to see anyone. He just wanted to pack his things and disappear forever. 

"Colonel, are you here?" Janet cried, as she eyed the door. 

After the Colonel had registered that it was only Doctor Frasier, he looked embarrassed behind his desk. 

“I'm here Janet” he said abashed. 

"Are you okay, sir?" 

Worried, she ran to him as she saw him squatting on the ground. Jack O'Neill held up a hand at once. 

"I am fine! I just wanted ......... " he stammered. 

Janet saw how embarrassed the situation was to him and knew exactly what was going on. 

“You wanted to hide, sir, is that it?" She asked cautiously. 

"No, …….yes ......... I just want to get away from here, Janet! Please! I want to go home – to someplace safe. Away from eyes and where I don’t have to hide." he said as the doctor helped him up. 

Looking at him, Janet could see how serious he was, how bad he wanted to leave, suddenly becoming chalk-white, and beginning to tremble. 

"Good Jack, let's go! I'll get you out of here."


	9. Chapter 9

Just as the archaeologist exited out of the elevator, he saw Dr. Frasier with his friend at the end of the hall. The young man did not miss how badly the officer looked. Even before he could say anything or even ask, Janet held up her hand to quiet him and headed into the elevator with Jack. Daniel Jackson did not know what was happening, he was really confused and upset about the doctor's behavior, Jack was his friend and he just wanted to know how he was. From what Daniel just saw, Jack was not doing good at all. He could not remember ever seeing his friend like that. Daniel wondered why Janet had not kept Jack in the infirmary here at the SGC, she'd do it for much lesser things, and not be talked out of it by anyone – not even General Hammond. Something was going on here and he would do anything to figure out what it was!

 

In the elevator, Jack O'Neill leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Suddenly, he had a terrible feeling all over - a tightness in his chest, his anxiety had risen, as if someone was choking him. He had suddenly felt real fear and did not know where this came from at all. It all confused him. He was just glad to have Janet by his side. She took care of him, always knew what he needed and even now she helped him through the unfamiliar situation. She was the only person who ever saw his weaknesses and fears, and only if he could not avoid her from seeing them. Jack knew that he was a prideful man and very stubborn. But that was him and he would most likely never change.  
Janet stood by his side quietly, not letting him out of her sight as she held his wrist and checked his pulse. His heartbeat had slowed, he realized, and the nausea was getting better. The doctor looked at him encouragingly and the man tried to smile, although he did not feel like it. He was angry, everything had seemed so well thought out, but that was probably only because he thought it had been. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong, and it had come at the worse time! He had only wanted to spend a few moments with his friends, but even that had not been granted to him. Teal'c's last memory of him should not be how he had been able to knock him out and Daniel's last moment with him,…god! He moaned softly at the mere thought that Daniel had to witness how his best friend had completely lost control of himself because of ...... .for nothing!  
No, he had not imagined the episode in the cafeteria. His behavior and actions were completely unfamiliar to him. Jack realized that he had not even recognized himself at all and that scared the crap out of him. 

 

Janet Frasier sat at the wheel of her car, never letting her eyes leave the man in her passenger seat, increasingly worried about his condition. What Jack had just experienced was a classic panic attack, triggered by the emotional stress he was exposed to.

"You should look at the road Doc!" the officer suddenly remarked.

She gave him a small smile for his remark, spared the question of his condition, for she knew that at that moment she would not get an honest answer anyway. From his appearance, however, she could see, he seemed to have recovered slowly, the trembling had gone, and also his complexion was now a bit rosy, that was enough for her for the time being. She was worried, however, of what his reaction would be with what she had to talk to him about. She had to be sure he knew what might happen to him in the near future. She knew him well enough to know that when explanations became too professional, he would tune out of the conversation quickly. Janet was pretty sure the explanations of the neurologist were certainly precise and professional. 

 

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A little earlier that afternoon: 

The petite blonde could not concentrate on the assignment that she was working on. She sat at the academy at a table and talked to a young woman. The girl fulfilled all the criteria they were looking for, a perfect match for the program. However, since she had received the strange call from her colleague and friend, Major Samantha Carter's mind was not at all on the subject it should be on and it did not escape the attention of the person sitting opposite of her.  
While the young woman continued with the interview and spoke of her goals for the future, Sam's thoughts drifted farther and farther away, until embarrassed silence broke through the room, which promptly brought Sam back into reality. The lack of reaction on her part to a question from the candidate was the cause. After apologizing to the woman several times, she decided to end the interview.  
She did not know why, but the words of Daniel Jackson seemed to stay on her mind. Sam realized suddenly that she was a lot more worried about the news she was given than she had at first thought. She had been the one who had tried to calm the archaeologist, and expressed the opinion that the problem was not half as bad as it seemed to him. Still, she could not help herself, she suddenly felt uneasy. The more she thought about Daniel's words, the worse it became.


	10. Chapter 10

When the car with the two Air Force officers arrived at the entrance to Janet's house, Jack let out a tired, resigned sigh. The doctor noticed it, but did not pay attention to it, she knew too well, the man would rather be in his own four walls, alone, to creep away and not be under their observation. But this was one of her conditions, and she made it plan if he wanted to leave the base, he would obey it. Janet thought it advisable not to leave the man alone. True, she had promised him high and holy not to patronize him or watch him all the time, but God, he knew her well enough to know that she would not keep that deal no better than he followed her instructions. She only hoped that he would not regard him having to stay here as punishment, because that was not the intention of her behavior.   
But if he was honest, Jack O'Neill was a bit happy for the distraction knowing he would be going away tomorrow forever anyway. He was particularly happy to spend some time with Janet's daughter Cassandra. It was true that the girl was no longer as easy to impress as she used to be, but they still understood each other magnificently. Through the years, she had grown into a real beautiful young woman and had her own peculiarities. He loved the girl, like a child of his own, and that thought caused him to think of his son. Charlie!  
Jack had waited until the end of his list for this point to be faced. He did not visit his son's grave very often, it was just too painful for him. When he thought about him, he always wondered what it would be like if he were still alive. Had often pictured how he would look now. This was a dark chapter in his life, and he usually avoided thinking about it or even talking about it. Not willing to talk about it was exactly what had cost him his marriage and at that time his will for life. He had something he wanted to give Charlie, even if it sounded silly, but it was very important to him. All these years he had kept it like a real treasure.  
While the petite doctor was already unloading the trunk, the Colonel was still sitting thoughtfully on the passenger side of the car and it took Jack a moment to find his way back to reality.

 

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When there was a faint knock on his door, the Air Force General looked up. With a nod, he welcomed his visitor. He had already suspected that the young archaeologist would visit him after he'd telephoned the leader of the medical department recently, and she had told him about the anxious man. But General Hammond knew that he could not tell the young linguist any more than Dr. Frasier had done.  
He knew Daniel Jackson and knew how stubborn the man could be. However, George Hammond always had an open ear for his people, and this time, too, he listened conscientiously to the young man's sorrows. He could see how worried Daniel Jackson was, nervously playing with his glasses as he spoke and was already began to babble, Daniel always did when he was nervous.  
General Hammond folded his hands and spoke in a calm, friendly voice. He wanted to calm the man down, and he felt it was urgent that he did so, therefore he decided to tell him everything ... at least everything he could give.

"Doctor Jackson, I really wanted to wait until Major Carter is back on the base before I made a statement, after all, it does concern the whole team. But I can fully understand your worries and think it is in our best interest when I tell you the news. You've heard about Colonel O'Neill's health at the moment. Dr. Frasier has drawn the consequences and has relieved him for the time being, because of his health problems. Sg1 is therefore given new leadership and I ask you and the rest of the team to welcome him with open arms. I hope this is self-explanatory"

"A new Leader? That means Jack will be out for a lot longer then I had assumed? But he will come back, will he? Or not?"

Daniel was in a real panic, which the general could hear in his voice. He tried to calm the young man as best he could. But how could he? He himself had trouble keeping his composure.

"Son, I can assure you, the Colonel is in the best hands. He needs rest, that is the most important thing, according to Dr. Frasier. I cannot tell you more. But she takes care of him, whether he wants it or not. In this respect our doctor is very strict, you know that for yourself too well, do you not? And if she declares him strong enough for duty, he'll come back and until then, Colonel Summer will be the commanding officer of Sg1."

“Okay, but why did she not just say that? I mean, she can talk to me! How am I supposed to feel or what am I supposed to think when she has treated me this coldly?" remarked the archaeologist bitterly.

George Hammond could feel his anger and he had to admit that he would have been angry too. Jack and Daniel were like big brother – little brother, it hurt Daniel not to know what was going on with someone he was that close to.

"I guess the time was just unfavorable, Doctor Jackson. Janet Frasier simply did what she thought was best for her patient, and if you were honest with yourself, you would have done the same for him! You know that! Do not interpret too much into this situation. I'm sure you can talk to Jack at any time, if he agrees, but at the moment, he does not feel like talking to anyone, according to Dr. Frasier."

 

The general knew Jack's plans to go to Minnesota, hoping that Janet Frasier could still talk him out of going. The stubborn Colonel had to listen to the arguments of his doctor, he simply had to! And if he did not want to listen to Janet as his doctor, then he needed to at least listen to her as a good friend, because that was exactly, what she was.


	11. Chapter 11

Samantha Carter had been sitting at her kitchen table with a cup of tea trying to work on her laptop for over an hour. As much as she tried to concentrate, her thoughts strayed constantly to her commanding officer. She loved this man, for so many years. There had been no effort at all on her part to fall for him. For her it was love at first sight. And she knew Jack O'Neill had been the same. They would do anything for each other! For the young woman, this man was the love of her life.  
Daniel had really done it and the young woman was so worried that she could no longer think clearly. She did not know herself how bad the situation was and she was terrified when the ringing of the phone pulled her from her thoughts. Suddenly, she had this feeling again, a feeling that all was lost. With a beating heart, she took the call.

With what he had told her she was hoping the message was not true! Was this another of Daniel’s assumptions? She would have bet that Daniel had overestimated the matter as he did so often, but after what the archaeologist told her, she was no longer so sure. Something was wrong here, and she made the decision to get to the bottom of the matter.

 

The mood in the Frasier home was very hyper that evening. Jack O'Neill was silly with Cassandra while they were eating, and they brought Janet Frasier to the brink of despair. If she hated anything when it came to Jack and Cassie’s relationship, it was the fact that the Colonel was always on the side of her daughter, whether he knew all the relevant facts in the matter or not. But today she enjoyed it a little, was just glad to see the officer laughing. It seemed as though he had pushed everything else back from his mind for the moment. She could hardly believe that it was really the same man who seemed so fragile and lost this afternoon. She wondered how much confidence and security could make up. If Janet could say one thing, then it was that the man felt comfortable here.  
She did not like the idea of having to darken his good mood, but she had to talk with him and it was very serious. So she waited until her daughter left for her date before raised the subject carefully. Cassandra knew nothing of all this and she should not know it for the time being. After the table cleared, they both sat down in the living room and the doctor tried to start the conversation, but was a little nervous as to how he would react. But the man stood before her, looked at her for a long time, and Janet realized he had something on his mind. As he played with his hands on his shirt, embarrassed, he began to speak softly, his voice calm and determined.

"Janet, I want to thank you, not just for the great evening. The time with Cassie has given me so much pleasure. Thank you that you have made this still possible. And also for everything else you did for me today, you were there for me, although I was not exactly cooperative. For that I sincerely apologize, I do not know why I sometimes react the way I do but I cannot control it. I just want you to know ............ ah, I'm just sorry."

His eyes now lay on his hands, which he tried convulsively to keep still. Janet put a hand on his and smiled as he looked up to her, embarrassed.

"Sir, please tell me you do not seriously want to go to Minnesota and live there alone in the wilderness? Jack, this is madness! You cannot stay alone out there! God! Do you even know what can happen to you?"

She looked at him dead serious straight in the eye, waiting for a reaction.

"Doc, I know all the facts, believe me! I feel good, well, as good as it can be with this thing in my skull.” he grinned, gently tapping his head.

"Sir, it will not stay that way! What do you think will happen when the brain pressure rises and it will, sooner or later! You belong under medical supervision. Believe me, I do not want to annoy you with it, nor will I patronize you, but you cannot stay alone out there. And you know if I wanted, then I could ......... .."

"Oh, yeah, you could pin me here, I know, I know, but you will not, right? You promised Janet! Otherwise, I'm about to retire now, I did not want to right now and you know why. But if you leave me no other choice ...... ..” Jack started to shout again.

Janet had to make a huge effort to keep the man quiet, and to calm him.

"Jack, I will not do it! I just want you to think about it thoroughly. Please, sir!"

At the same moment, the doorbell rang. The dark-haired doctor glanced at her watch and asked herself who would be here to see her at this time of night. Janet went slowly to the door. After she had opened the front door and saw who was standing outside, she swallowed hard. She then asked the visitor hesitantly, without a word, why she was there. Janet had never in a million years expect this visitor.

Jack O'Neill seemed shocked, to the point where he almost jumped out of his chair when he saw who the late guest was. He could not believe it, why did Janet do it? He had trusted her! He shouted loudly at her:

"No! Why would you do this? You promised Janet! You promised me from one end of the world to the other that she would not know!"

His anger was uncontrollable. He stormed past the two women to the back door, kicked it with full force several times. He did not know where his boundless anger was and he felt so helpless. The door finally fell off of its frame. The Air Force Colonel stomped several times on the remains, which lay on the ground and then disappeared out of sight.

The women were still standing in the middle of the room, bewildered. Janet could see the horror on the face of her friend Samantha Carter. Sam could not have chosen a worse time for her appearance, Janet thought. The man felt betrayed by the only person to whom he had fully confided.

 

Jack’s feelings suddenly overwhelmed him as he leaned against a large, old tree in the garden. He was trembling again, could no longer stand up, and slid into a sitting position, the hands convulsively in front of his face. Tears ran down his cheeks, he could not help it.


	12. Chapter 12

Janet Frasier held her hands in resignation in front of her face. She could not stop the tears. She was furious too, first of all at herself. Why had she just let Sam in? This was a mistake and she knew it, but she was also angry at Jack. How could the guy just believe she had broken her secrecy? She would never do that to anyone! His uncontrolled rage was frightening, she had experienced it today. She did not know this Jack O'Neill at all and did not care to get to know this side of him. But she knew it was part of his illness and he could not help it.  
Samantha Carter was standing at Janet's side, still bewildered. She took her girlfriend firmly in her arms and tried to stop the weeping woman. What she had just had to watch had the blonde woman pretty frightened and she wondered what was going on. Not knowing just confused Sam even more.

"Oh Sam, you could not have chosen a worse time to come here," the little doctor sobbed on her shoulder.

Janet had the feeling Jack O'Neill had just begun to trust her completely when Major Samantha Carter came. And now all his trust in her seemed to have been completely destroyed, from one quick second to the next it was gone.

"I'm sorry Janet. If I had known he was here, I would not have stopped. I did not have the slightest idea he was at your home "

"I do not blame you Sam. I am to blame for all the misery! How could I get involved with this whole thing? I should have known the truth would get out sooner or later."

The blonde Air Force officer looked puzzled at her friend.

"What is raging Janet? What's going on here? Daniel called me and he sounded so worried when he told me about the incident in the cafeteria and when the general told him that we got a new commander, he painted the worst things and he caused me to be extremely concerned. That's why I came Janet, I thought I could talk to you to calm myself, but I'm afraid this incident is more than I wanted to believe, is it not?"

The doctor looked at Sam in disbelief. Janet Frasier was pissed, what did everyone think of her? Did they all really think she would just forget her promises to keep the medical history of one patient away from the other?

"You know very well, I cannot say anything. I never have nor would I ever do that! Does that never go into your skulls?"

She took a deep breath before she went to the back door and looked at all the damage. The two women tried to clean up the debris. It was unbelievable how quickly Jack O'Neill had made small wood from the seemingly massive door. Somehow this seemed quite frightening, Janet thought to herself and suddenly she no longer felt safe in her own four walls. Sam suddenly pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Janet, here is blood. The Colonel must have hurt himself."

The doctor rolled her eyes. Just great, not only was he angry but now he had hurt himself and there was nothing worse than trying to give Jack O’Neill medical treatment when he was hurt!

"You will stay here, Sam! I'll see where he has gone. I will say this again so you understand me – you will stay here, is that clear?” she said sternly.

Janet Frasier went through the garden and looked for the man. She had a queasy feeling when she thought about having to face him. He still thought she had misused his confidence and she was not sure how he would react to her now. His anger earlier seemed so limitless. But she was determined to tell him her opinion whether he wanted to or not. Meanwhile it had become really cool and it was drizzling.   
Janet realized she had goose bumps as she approached the big tree, where Cassie's swing was hanging. She did not know whether it was in the cool air, or how the man was huddled on the ground. His face rested on his drawn-up legs, which he clasped tightly with his arms. Carefully she approached the officer. He did not move, did not react in any way. He seemed so frail and yet so angry.

"Sir, is everything alright?" She asked softly as she finally stood before him.

"Leave me alone," he rumbles to the doctor.

But Janet Frasier was not so easily impressed nor frightened by his grumpiness the way he was used to others being, and he knew the woman would not give up. He was annoyed, who would not be in his case, but he was also ashamed of his own behavior. Even worse was the fact that she had seen it, not Janet, with whom he could still live with no shame, but no, Sam! Sam saw him like that. God, he was ashamed. He had always done everything in his power to show no weakness before her.  
Janet considered him briefly and then began to speak. Loud and in a certain tone.

"You're angry, I can understand that. But you have absolutely no reason to be! I cannot believe that you really assumed I would have said a word to someone, especially her. You really should know me better than that, Jack. Sam came to me because she was worried about you. When friends care about each other – they normally do that. Daniel informed her after the General told him they will be out of action for a while until Sg1 gets a new commander. And that is all she knows. She's worried about you Jack. And what are you doing? You're kicking this friendship, if you ask me. And all this because you are too cowardly to stand by your feelings. What do you have to lose? You cannot run away from her all the time. Think about it. But now you move your ass in the house, Mister, before I get really angry!"

Janet Frasier was very upset and Jack O'Neill knew the doctor well enough to know when he had lost.

"Yes Ma'am," he whispered barely audibly.

Janet knelt beside him and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Let us go inside before you catch your death, sir."

Jack O'Neill looked at the woman's face and started laughing.

"A good one Doc!" he grunted.

She grinned also, somewhat embarrassed, only now noticing what she had actually said.

"Come on, Jack."

At least he had not lost his sense of humor, she thought.

Then she helped the trembling man up on his legs.  
Now she could see his injury, his trouser leg was torn open, and blood ran down his calf. She glanced at his wound, and groaned softly.


	13. Chapter 13

After a few steps, Jack O'Neill realized that his injury was more than a scratch. He could barely use the leg and hung with all his weight on Janet, who tried to support him as best she could. After a few meters the petite woman was at the end of her strength and stopped abruptly. She leaned against the rose trellises, which was standing in the middle of the garden, and still had trouble trying to keep the Colonel upright. He did not make it any easier for her, seemed to be constantly working against her. If she did not know better, she would swear he was doing it just to annoy her. Janet finally forced the man into a sitting position after a few steps.

"Sir, it will not work this way. I cannot do it alone. Stay here, I'll get help."

Jack was not enthusiastic, he knew who Janet was going to get, and she was still in the house ... ... Sam. Jack started to protest but before he had a chance, Janet stopped him cold.

"Oh, I know what you're going to say. But I want to tell you something, Jack! You have no choice! I'll go into the house and get Sam. Whether you like it or not! And you will be kind to her. Think of what I told you!"

With these words, the doctor went to the house and left Jack sitting in the rain in the middle of the garden. Stubborn and unwise as he was, he did not want to wait for help and tried to pull himself up with the help of the rose trellises on to his legs. But the trellises was not intended for such burdens, and creaked before it collapsed under the weight of the officer. The whole thing fell to the ground, rattling, and with it the man who was tottering. Jack O'Neill was now lying on the ground between metal parts and the remains of Janet's roses.

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Janet really could only stand and shake her head. Even in such a situation as he was in, he would still give up any help if it were coming for him. Sometimes he was simply idiotic. She was used to it from him, he always refused help, and he always assumed he could manage everything on his own. Now and then she thought he was doing it out of habit. Especially when Sam was near, he avoided weakness, even when he was in pain, as he was right now. But the doctor already knew that and she knew how to deal with him. Colonel O'Neill was, after all, her most difficult patient.

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The sound of the rattling metal was heard in the house. The two women ran out of the house. When they saw what had happened, Janet covered her face with her hand to keep him from seeing the look of anger on her face. Jack O'Neill was still lying on the ground, groaning slightly, in the middle of the remains of the ornamental bow. He looked up, gave the women an embarrassed smile. Janet Frasier could not believe it, she was absolutely not laughing!

“Can you ever listen to what you are being told to do? I cannot believe that … my roses… my beautiful roses!”

"Sorry Doc. I just wanted to………"

Janet interrupted him abruptly. In her body language and her tone, he recognized how angry she was. To get the doctor out of her mind, it usually took a lot. He had stretched her to her limit that was clear to him now.

"I have heard that enough from you today! It´s enough! Do you really think I give you orders just to ignore you, not to help you? Why can’t you ever do what you're told, will you tell me? 

The Air Force officer was about to speak, when she held a hand.

"Not a tone Colonel! You do not say a word!” she hissed at him.

Janet burning up with anger on the inside!   
Jack O'Neill knew he should not say anything more. But he had not really done anything bad. He had not disobeyed her on purpose, and he only wanted to make it clear to her again. He just was not a man to sit around and wait for help. Why could people not understand that – especially doc!

Sam looked at the whole scene, did not know if she should laugh at it or have compassion with her commanding officer. On the one hand, the situation was really funny enough to laugh at, on the other hand, Janet's reaction seemed quite hard. She knew the man and knew it was punishment enough to him that she had to see him like that. From the look he had, the young blonde could say for sure that he had not done it on purpose, and he was really sorry. At that moment, the man reminded her of a young dog who had made a mistake and was punished for it. Jack O'Neill was one of the strictest superiors she ever had. And if Janet was honest with herself, she would have to admit that she had known Jack would try to act on his own. It was nothing new.

Sam smiled at him kindly, tried to play down the situation so that he felt better, but the man avoided any eye contact. 

How they made their way into the house, Jack O'Neill was not really aware, as the two dainty women helped him into the guest room. He had concentrated heavily on not being too much a burden on the two. The fall with the rose bow had embarrassed him more than he wanted to admit. He wished he could take the whole day out of his memory. If only he could, he thought to himself, while Sam and Janet helped him onto the big bed.  
What then came made him blush. Janet asked him to put his pants down, right in front of Sam! Oh, come on Janet! He thought sulkily. She recognized his hesitation. He did not want to do this while the Major was in the room. OH well, that is what he gets for acting like a child, Janet thought to herself.

"Come on, Colonel, down with your pants! Do not be so timid, I think Major Carter has often seen you in underwear."

This was certainly true, sometimes it could not be avoided, but he tried to avoid such situations. Janet Frasier seemed to enjoy the situation a little bit, as he noticed how she was grinning maliciously.

"I can also wait outside," Sam remarked slightly ashamed and moved toward the door.

But the doctor held her back.

"You stay here, Sam, you have to assist me."

"Are you going to lower them, Sir, or should we help you?" Janet asked impatiently as she clothed her gloves.

He was now lying on the bed on his belly, groaning in the head-rest, while Janet Frasier looked at the wound closer. She was not exactly squeamish while she was investigating the man.

"Okay Colonel that wound must be cleaned and sewn. You have gotten some fragments and debris in the cut."

Then she drew her friend aside and whispered:

"You have to help me and hold his leg tightly Sam, he will not like what I'm going to do."

The Colonel twitched a few times while the doctor cleaned the wound and tried to pull his leg away, but Sam had an amazingly firm grip. He waited valiantly until Janet had finished and gave him the injection to stun his calf. As she sewed the wound, the man relaxed slowly.  
After the doctor had finished her work, she tapped him slightly on his thigh.

"You almost made it Colonel, just a trifle."

With this words she pulled another syringe out of her pocket, pulled his boxer shorts down a bit and none too gently, gave him the tetanus injection. Samantha Carter suffered with him as he briefly screamed. She had never known that Janet could be so hard. She would have liked to say something, but she did not. Janet's temper, was already bad enough. The brunette doctor left the room to get something as Jack turned to Sam.

"She's quite annoyed with me, isn’t she?"

Jack tried to turn to the side, but quickly laid still when he could not. On his face Samantha Carter could say he was in pain.

"Come sir, I'll help you."

At that moment, Janet came back with a big pillow under her arm, grabbing the blonde woman helplessly under her arms. In turn, the two women had turned the man to the side and Janet pushed the pillow under his injured leg.

"That's it for today, you're staying here, and you are going to try to sleep. I hope I've expressed myself clear enough this time, Jack. "

The man looked puzzled out of the window.

"But it's still light outside." he complained.

She went to the window and pulled the curtains shut.

"So, now it's dark! Sleep!"

Samantha could not help laughing at the moment.


	14. Chapter 14

Janet Frasier left the guest room but came back after a short time and gave her patient a glass of water and two tablets. Jack O'Neill reacted repulsively to the little expedient, as always. He generally refrained from painkillers when they were not absolutely necessary. He believed that all drugs changed his perception. But the resolute female doctor did not tolerate any contradiction, not today. She stood stone like – with her hands on her hips and waited impatiently until the man pushed the pills into his mouth and rinsed with water.

"Open your mouth!" she demanded with a serious look.

He rolled his eyes, insulted.

"Oh, come to Doc! How old am I?"

"Do not force me to answer, Colonel! And now open your mouth and show me your tongue. "

He held up his hands.

"Okay, okay!"

Then he took another sip of water and swallowed the tablets, this time allowing them to go down.

“Now why didn’t you do that when I asked you to? Now go to sleep, and no argument."

Jack tried again to protest, but had no chance against the resolute doctor. With a pleading glance, he begged Janet for a favor. He wanted to talk to Sam privately. He felt obliged to explain to her some things before someone else did, even if the thought alone cost him a lot of overcoming.

The young woman stood shyly at his bed and wondered what he wanted to tell her. With his rather repulsive attitude, the past hour gave her little hope of a friendly chat. Jack O'Neill looked up at her, slapped his flat hand on the mattress of the bed, and invited the bewildered woman to sit down. Hesitantly, Sam settled down, her hands in her lap, tried not to appear too apprehensive. Jack looked embarrassed at the bedclothes and tried to start, he already knew what he wanted to tell her, but that was so terribly difficult for the man. He needed a little moment before he finally spoke. The brief silence made the situation look even more embarrassing.

"Carter, I'd like to apologize. I am infinitely sorry, I was an idiot."he said firmly.

"No, sir, you do not have to apologize to me!"

"Sam please, let me do this! Do not excuse me for my attitude!"

She looked at him in astonishment, he used her first name! He usually did not, unless ........it was something serious.

"I am sorry. All these years, I have refused all those years to admit that I love you more than anything else in the world. I've lied to myself the whole time. I can feel you're doing the same. My thoughts are all about you! The first thing I think about in the morning and the last one at night when I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep, you are, only you! I was too cowardly to stand up to these feelings!”

Jack took a deep breath and Sam waited, she knew he was not through talking and so she gave him time to get the rest of his thoughts together.

“I have pretended it will go away, but it does not. Even after all the years, it does not. And yet I always made every effort to make reason prevail, to always act correctly and according to regulations, even though this has caused me to feel I am going out of my mind. For that I will apologize to you. That was wrong, just wrong, I know now! But sometimes you realize what is really important when it's too late."

"It's never too late," she whispered.

"But that's it," he whispered, hardly audible.

Sam did not know how to react to it, his whole countenance scared her somehow. He was completely changed.

"What you saw tonight, I certainly did not want to frighten anyone, and least of you, I did not want, I can ......... I can’t control it, you must believe me."

"Sir ...”

"Forget the sir! Jack ........it´s Jack! Sam, I will not come back. "

Sam looked at him with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I ...... ...... .. is cancer, I have cancer! It's in my head, a gliob ....... Something, inoperable. Or something like that."

"A glioblastoma?" Her voice almost escaped as she said it.

Tears shot in her eyes, she could not prevent them even though she tried. Jack carefully took her hand and held it firmly in his.

"But there are therapies…." Her voice was shaky.

"...... .which do what? Extend life? A life, which is not even a life anymore! I want to spend the time I still have with things that are fun. As long as I still can. Sam............ "

"Dad ................ the Tokra ...... .." she sobbed.

"Hmmm, these two people sharing a body is so not my thing Sam. I already had the pleasure....... CANAN ...... have you forgotten? I'm still trying to erase that from my memory. "

"Oh, yes," she said, bending down, letting her eyes sink.

"It's all right, I've settled with it, and you also should."

"And if I cannot?" she asked softly, looking fixedly into his eyes.

At this moment, tears ran down her face. Jack took her by the arm and pulled her down, her body close to his. Affectionately he wiped her tears with his thumb and tried to comfort her. Sam lay on the side next to him. His arm was tightly wrapped around her, her eyes deeply rooted in the eyes of the other. It took quite some time before she had caught herself again. He just lay beside her, gave her a moment and waited patiently. The warmth of his body gave her security, a feeling she had not had for a long time. She just wanted the situation to be different and the moment to never pass.

This was just not fair! She felt anger! Infinite rage! The more she thought about it, the angrier she became. How often had she longed for the day when he would confess his love for her, for she would never have dared to take the first step? He had really done it, he had told her his love, and she could not believe it. But she had not imagined it. He really did love her and now, frightened, she realized his confession may have come too late. She was just desperate and let her tears run wild.

Jack snuggled even closer to Sam, he could smell her hair, how much he loved the scent! He had often dreamed of her and thought he had her scent in his nose when he woke up. At the moment, he simply enjoyed her presence. He wondered if he had done the right thing. Was it right to burden her? He was no longer sure, doubting his thoughts. He hated nothing more than seeing Sam suffer. But still more he hated the fact that he was the cause of her suffering! Finally, he tried to hide all bad thoughts and simply enjoy this here with her. They were just lying there, holding each other. A long while later, Sam looked at the man she loved even more deeply in the eyes and asked softly.

"Are you scared?"

He thought briefly, she could see so much. She loved the small folds that formed on his forehead if he was thinking.

"Am I afraid of death? No, but what lies in front of me before death, I am afraid ... ...... a little. No one can say how it will be. Most of all I'm afraid of changing Sam, you've seen what I'm capable of! I..................... "

Now tears came to him and he buried his face in his pillow, ashamed for his emotional outburst. Sam, however, tried to persuade him to look at her again, whispered in his ear:

"Look at me! Jack, it's all right. "

She stroked his short gray hair lovingly, and waited. A moment later he turned his face to her and she took him lovingly into her arms, let him know she was there for him.


	15. Chapter 15

Jack looked "his" Sam deep in the eyes, his lips suddenly came close to hers and he kissed her carefully, waiting for her reaction. The young woman returned his kiss, almost stormily, as if she had been waiting for it. After a very long kiss, Jack stroked her lips tenderly with his thumb.

"How soft they are," he said, kissing her again.

"I cannot say that of you," Sam said, stroking his stubby chin. “you need to shave" she teased.

"Uh, actually I'm just going to let it grow into a beard. A really rustic one.” He teased.

"Are you kidding me?" she cried, kicking him slightly into the upper arm.

"Aww, do you treat the man of your dreams like this?" he asked, rubbing his arm.

Sam's answer was countless kisses along the entire length of his arm and neck, right up to his ear. When she reached the ear, she whispered heated words to him and went on her way to his lips. He got goose bumps. After another extensive kiss, Jack groaned. Sam's action aroused him greatly and had him tinkling through his entire body.

"Oh, you should not ......, not that I want to complain, but if you continue like that .................." he whispered between two passionate kisses from her.

"Oh, I see what you mean," she grinned curtly as she eyed Jack from head to toe.

Jack stared at her lightly and pulled the blanket over, grinning.

"Imagine Janet coming in ...... that would really be the perfect ending for this day. She hates me already." he groaned.

"Oh, I think I know what you mean! But she does not hate you, she loves you, in a different way, as I do, but she cares about you and wants only what’s best for you! "

"Yes, I know, but her love can hurt," he whined, rubbing his butt.

Sam laughed loudly, giving him a loving slap.

"I cannot bear even more of her needles today," he joked.

"She does not want to punish you, she does it to get you well. I should go now, don't you think so, too? Janet will wonder why it takes so long. "

"No, stay here, just a bit longer, please Sam," he begged formally.

Jack enjoyed her closeness so much, he did not want her to go.  
She nodded slightly, his begging glance left her melting. How could she refuse his request? Close together, the two just lay there and eyed each other in love. The warmth made Sam really tired, she tried to fight the fatigue, but it did not take long and her eyes were heavier and heavier. Jack noticed the young woman slowly drifting into sleep and gave her a loving kiss on the cheek  
"  
I love you." he whispered.

How much this woman loved him showed in her behavior. Sam had put on the act of being silly, carefree. But he knew she was not laughing for she hurt too much for him, inside she was very sad. She knew him too well and knew he preferred for people not to make a fuss over him.  
He was dog-tired, would like nothing better than to follow her to sleep, but he could not. Too much went through his head. As much as he tried, he could not shut down. There were now new things he was thinking about. After a while, there was a knock softly at the door. Janet slipped her brunette head into the door carefully, she wanted to see where Sam was. It had become quite late now, and she was tired, fighting to keep from going to sleep. An exhausting, long day was lying behind her and she knew there was another one waiting for her tomorrow. As she considered the room and saw the embarrassed facial expression of Jack O'Neill, she smiled.  
Sam lay on his chest and slept peacefully. Janet did not miss the satisfied smile Sam had on her face in her sleep. To keep from waking her friend, she spoke in a low, choked voice.

"I see that you followed my advice and have spoken to her. I'm glad you took this step, sir. How did she take it?" she whispered.

"What do you think?" He asked cynically, remember the tears Sam had cried. His tired eyes looked sad.

"Jack, I can imagine it was hard for her, but it was the right move. Sam is strong, she'll be able to handle it, she just needs some time."

The doctor tried to make it clear to him that his decision was right, he was doing the right thing. Janet hoped he would trust his friends, too............ but she knew this would be taken step by step.

"Sir, I would like to apologize to you. I did not behave professionally tonight; this should not have happened! No matter how hard the day was. "

Janet yawned heartily as she spoke and Jack yawned at last. He was so tired

"Doc, if someone needs to apologize, then I am the guilty one. I will pay for the damage, of course," he whispered even more quietly as Sam moved easily in her sleep.

"I hope so, Colonel! We will discuss everything else tomorrow. I must go to bed. And you should finally sleep. Your body desperately needs sleep. "

She looked serious at him.

"Thanks Janet, for everything!"

His smile at this point was like a small gift for Janet.

"Good night sir," she said as she pulled the door quietly behind her.

She stopped for a moment and leaned against the door. She could not help the grin on her face. At last, the beginning was made. She was happy for her friend, nothing in the world had the blonde  
wanted more. Janet knew Sam needed just as much support as Jack did. And she was ready to help the two as best she could, whatever would happen between the two.

 

Jack O'Neill was still awake a long while after Janet left the room. Finally, exhaustion won over but much sleep was not granted to the man. In the middle of the night, the Air Force officer was awake, not feeling very well. Serious nausea came over him suddenly, and he jumped out of bed, just in time to make it to the bathroom before he vomited. For several minutes, he hung over the toilet and vomited without a break. His stomach retching repeatedly, carrying the whole contents of his stomach out.   
The officer groaned and wondered how much he had in his stomach. Kneeling before the toilet and with his eyes closed, he rested his head on his arms on the toilet bowl, hoping the damned nausea would finally ease. Even when the constant retching did not bring any more, his stomach did not calm down. The relief he was used to after a round of nausea did not come.  
He was still unbelievably sick. From exhaustion, he simply slipped to the ground and remained motionless in front of the toilet. His knees burned like fire and his injured leg sent out almost unbearable agony. He wondered if the wound had reappeared. The cold of the tiles he laid on at that moment were a pure blessing.

 

Samantha awoke sometime later. It took her a moment to realize where she was. So, it was not a dream! She smiled in the darkness. Damn, she must have fallen asleep, was her next thought. When she got a little clearer, she realized that the bed next to her was empty. From the adjoining bathroom came a faint light beam through the opened door. She went to the door and knocked carefully.

"Jack, is everything alright?"

When she waited for a while and still had not received an answer from him, she quietly opened the door all the way and walked into the bathroom. The man lay huddled on the cold floor and showed no reaction at all her presence in the room with him. Sam was at first really frightened and stood as if frozen. She knelt next to him and searched for his pulse. She found it at last and relief flooded through her that it was there, although slowly, thank God.  
Seconds later, she ran away and tried to wake her friend, who was surely still in deep sleep. The young woman pounded panickily at the bedroom door on the first floor. It seemed to her like an eternity until Janet moved. groggily, the doctor staggered to the door and tried to calm the excited blonde, to get conclusive information from her. Janet at first did not understand what was going on. Sam stammered only incomprehensible things. So, Janet grabbed her excited girlfriend with both hands on the shoulders and shook her slightly. When she finally got her full attention, she asked Sam to tell her slowly and in detail what had happened.

"Jack, he's lying in the bathroom and will not move. You must help him Janet. Dear God, please help him” she cried, her heart breaking.

Janet noticed how panicky her friend was and responded immediately. She slipped into her morning coat and the two women ran down the stairs to the ground floor to help the man that they both loved, though differently.


	16. Chapter 16

Jack was still in the same position as Sam had left him. The doctor knelt beside her patient and checked his pulse before trying to speak to him. His pulse was slow and even with her hand on his wrist, he did not react to her. It was only after the doctor touched Jack gently on the cheek that he groaned.

“God, he looks so pale!” Sam thought as she knelt next to him on the floor, taking his hand in hers. He should have felt that she was by his side, but there was no response. No acknowledgment at all that she was with him. Sam could hardly hold back her tears. She had never seen him so vulnerable. He had always done everything to make sure that she did not see him like this, but this time he could not prevent it.

Janet tried to force the man to open his eyes. Finally, he opened his eyes reluctantly, knowing for sure that Janet would not give him any peace until he did. Dizziness came over him as soon as his eyes were open and the whole room spun. This made him even worse. All he wanted was to be left alone. “Why couldn’t everyone just leave him along!” Jack thought to himself. But that would not happen, he realized. Janet talked to him continuously, he could not follow what she was saying and he did not try. He was just untiringly tired, and the persistent nausea did not help him concentrate on Janet. Communing with someone was really not what he had in mind. 

Janet Frasier was Janet Frasier and never gave up. She had to get as much information from him as possible, no matter how long it would take. Again, and again she asked the groaning man the same questions, in the hope of getting an answer at some time. Janet would not quit asking the questions until she was satisfied that Jack was alert enough to not be in any danger, other than what he already was in. 

“Why did they not just let him sleep. Why didn’t they leave him alone!” Jack had closed his eyes long ago, the darkness made the situation a bit more tolerable for him. He moaned softly to himself. The fucking nausea just did not want to disappear, his head droned easily. He'd like to sleep, just sleep. He could hardly stand the constant touches. The doctor did not give up and asked him the same question again and again. Either Jack O'Neill did not react at all or only with a slight groan. His forehead was marked by deep folds.

Sam was very worried about the man, his lack of reactions worried her more than she wanted to admit. Kneeling by his side, she held his hand firmly in hers and stroked his forearm lovingly. His skin was cold and clammy. With every passing minute Sam became more panicky. Janet had troubling trying to concentrate on Jack, without the young woman pressing her about his condition. But Janet was doing all that she could do and yet she understood Sam's concern thoroughly.  
However, it soon became too much for the resolute doctor, and she sent Samantha out of the room. She had given her a list of some things she needed and Janet was hoping that she'd be gone long enough so that Janet could get a diagnosis of Jack's condition. The most important thing now was to help the man as quickly as possible. But she had to know exactly what symptoms he had. She opened her doctor's bag, took out her penlight, and concentrated it on his pupils. Jack jerked in surprise and whined softly. Once again dizziness came over him. He should have guessed, whenever Janet was nearby, he either got that cursed light in his eyes or a needle in the butt.

“Sorry, Sir but it is necessary." Janet apologized to her friend. Then she took his blood pressure, and was not happy with the results. "His numbers are way too high" she said more to herself.

Jack tried to speak, it was more a whisper, barely audible. But even in the mere attempt, a new wave of nausea came over him, cold sweat stood on his forehead, and he began to choke violently. His throat was unspeakably rough and damn dry. He moaned softly, tightening his eyes even more. The coldness of the tiled floor made him freeze. Cold, it was so cold. Every single muscle of his body seemed to tremble. The doctor noticed it and took a blanket from the bedroom, spreading it carefully over the trembling man. Then she moistened a small towel to carefully wipe the cold sweat from his forehead. Okay, that was somehow good, he had to admit. Janet could see, it brought him some relief and repeated the process a few times before she tried again to get an answer from him. She grabbed him cautiously on his chin to get his full attention.

"Okay, Colonel, I can see some of the problems! But you must answer a few questions, do you understand, sir? This is important!” Said the worried doctor. 

The officer groaned and she just could not get a clear answer from him. However, Janet did not let up, she repeated the questions over and over.   
He suffered from severe nausea and had puked so much as she had seen when she came into the room. It smelled of vomit all over the room.

"Jack, do you have headaches, dizziness? Do you remember what happened?"

Jack did not understand why Janet asked him so many questions, of course he remembered what had happened. He was sick, just like many nights before ....... Only this time it was worse, much worse ....... but otherwise everything was all right, why did Janet make such a fuss? Janet Frasier looked at her patient, wondering what he was asking and trying to explain it to him in simple terms.

"Sir, the symptoms point to increased brain pressure. I would like to take you to the hospital, so that you can get medical treatment more than I can give here. There are drugs that can lower the pressure. "

"No," he moaned.

"Sir, please!"

"No!"

"Jack please."

"Janet, please do not force me to go. I do not want to go to the hospital, please do not ask me again" He begged, his voice was shaky and quiet. Then tears ran down his cheeks.

Samantha Carter ran through the rooms of the house trying to get everything her friend needed. She was so concerned about Jack, she did not like to leave him alone, but Janet needed her support now. And so, she ran as fast as she could. The only thing she could not find was the bottle with the tablets, which Jack had all along per Janet. In his pants, she could not find it, even in the black sports bag, in which was just fresh clothes. 

She thought hard, then ran back to the wardrobe. His jacket! He had to have the pills in his leather jacket! When she came by the couch, the jacket caught her eyes. God, how she loved this jacket on him! She felt the pockets and could feel something in the right one, reached inside and pulled out the plastic bottle, something falling to the ground.   
She bent down and picked up the small crumpled paper from the ground, glanced at it, and was about to put it back in the pocket when she got stunned. She looked more closely and wondered what the note meant. There was no time right now to try to figure it out, she told herself and put the piece of paper back in the pocket of the jacket. She hurried back to Janet and Jack with her anxious heart beating. Sam entered the bathroom, hoping Janet could help Jack. When she saw the man of her dreams crying, she almost cried!

"Can you not help him Janet?" Sam asked the question in a choked whisper. 

She was close to tears again. The brunette woman grabbed her friend, pulled her into a brief soothing hug, and made her realize that she would not be helping anyone, especially Jack, if she broke down now.

"Sam, I'm trying, you must believe me. I need you now, you must keep a cool head! Try to stay calm, only together can we help him. Jack's brain pressure has increased, we must put him into a sitting position, which could reduce the pressure tremendously. "

"If this does not help you, Jack, then you know I have no choice" she said gravely to her patient.

Janet had promised him that she would do everything she could to keep him from the hospital. Actually, she knew she should fight him and demand that he goes to the hospital and she could not believe the guy had managed to wrap her around his little finger. In the back of her mind, Janet could not help but wonder why he was so afraid of the hospital.


	17. Chapter 17

Janet Frasier gave her best friend precise instructions and after a few hurdles they had everything needed to start the attempt to finally give the Air Force officer some relief. Janet Frasier hoped her plan would work. She pulled a syringe and a vial out of her pocket, stuck the needle into the vial and pulled the syringe up while she tried to explain to her patient her further course of action.

"Sir, I'm going to give you an injection now for the nausea. It's not quite the right medicine for your kind of nausea, so there's no guarantee that it will help you, but I think it's worth a try. It must be administered intramuscularly; you know what that means Jack?"

He groaned, opened his eyes slightly.

"Needle in the ass?" He asked softly, groaning at the mere thought of it. "Look, she's doing it again! She must really love me!" He whispered to Sam.

Janet gave a look of confusion to her friend while Sam grinned and stroked the trembling man lovingly over his cheek.

"Yes, she does, love can sometimes hurt, but it can be the most beautiful thing in the world."

Jack smiled and did not look away from Sam. The doctor could only wonder, looking questioningly between the two.

"What are you waiting for, Doc?" He asked with a subsequent loud groan and retreated into the dark again after a wave of dizziness overpowered him. In the hope of some type of relief, he would gladly accept Janet’s “love”.

Dr. Frasier injected him with the drug, going as gently as she could, noticing how tense he was and how much more it would hurt him, she tried to get him to relax, even a little.

"Try to relax a little Sir, the more relaxed you are, the less it will hurt later."

Jack jerked briefly as she planted the syringe into his muscle. His reply was no more than a stifled grunt. Sam held his hand all the time firmly in hers and rubbed her thumb soothing over the back of his hand.

"Ok, sir, let's wait a moment, let's give the drug a chance to work and see if it will help, then we'll have to try and get you in a sitting position.” Janet looked at Sam and then back at Jack “We are going to need your help sir. You may not feel very good about it, but you are going to have to help us support you"

As she spoke, she dabbed at the forehead of the ashen man again. After some time, they tried to lift him up some, which was more difficult than expected. The man was damn big and heavy. The two dainty women had their hands full trying to get him somewhat raised up. As much as Jack was concerned, he was not able to assist the two women at all. As soon as he moved his head, violent dizziness and again this terrible nausea came over him. The drug had so far not brought any relief. He even struggled against his helpers, trying to push himself back down into a laying position again to get rid of the awful feeling.   
Fortunately, Janet Frasier had him already firmly in her grip, holding him as upright as she could, pushing him as fast as she could against Samantha Carter, who was now sitting behind him. Sam took him tightly against her chest to give him the necessary support. Jack leaned his head against Sam's, tightened his eyes even more and murmured softly to himself. His breathing was rapid and sweat was on his forehead. Janet sighed with relief and moistened his forehead again. Then she took his blood pressure at regular intervals. Jack O'Neill did not move the entire time, only groaning from time to time. Sam held onto his body, trying, to warm him. His trembling had already subsided, and she felt that just maybe, he was even relaxing.

"I have good and bad news." Janet said after a long while, looking deeply at her best friend, she was still worried.

"The good news is ...... it really seems to help ........ the bad, I do not know how to get you up from the ground sir. Sam and I cannot do it alone. Impossible!"

Sam looked at her beloved one and kissed him gently on his head. Janet considered briefly and then made the man a suggestion. She was reluctant to send him to the hospital, not after his reaction, but if he did not accept her proposal, she had no choice. Jack O'Neill, of course, did not respond well to the doctor's suggestion, was immediately dismissive, and she realized how excited he became and that was not good.

"Sir, it's Teal'c or the hospital, you have the choice!" she said firmly. Janet Frasier did not allow him to change her opinion. Not this time!

Jack O'Neill was angry. Why was everything wrong in his life? Couldn’t he have some good luck for once? That was just too much to ask, wasn’t it? Sam noticed by his reaction, he was very angry and tried to calm him, but Jack became more and more agitated with every touch. He felt so worthless, like suddenly he was no longer a man. He had made up his mind when this started that he did not want to be pitied but here he was being pitied and it bothered him so badly.

"Janet is right, we cannot do this alone. Jack, Teal'c is your friend, our friend, we are a good team, we trust each other, we always have, haven't we? He just needs to know that you are alright, that you are ok with his help, you can trust him Jack ...... and you know that."

He knew deep inside him, the two women were right, but he hated the mere idea that his friend would see him this way. He'd been trying to avoid it all day, but the thought of the alternative was even less to bear for the officer.

 

After a few minutes, he agreed, his feelings overwhelming him again, his eyes watered, he could not do anything about it. Jack O'Neill tightened his eyes and tried to calm down, hoping no one would notice, he was crying. Behind him, Sam felt the body of her only love shaking as he silently cried and she could not stop her own silent tears.


	18. Chapter 18

While Janet tried to reach Teal'c, Samantha tried to get her feelings under control again and somehow gain the necessary peace to give Jack security. He was quite agitated and uneasy, trying to hide his emotions from the outside world, as always. Sam did not know exactly how to react. Should she do it as usual when he was hurt and pretend not to notice his tears? Or should she openly approach him and try to give him consolation? Sam knew what he preferred, but that was not what would help him now, the blonde was sure.   
Still undecided on what to do, she sat behind him, just holding him tightly in her arms and pressing him even closer to her body. She began to speak, not about anything important – just random stuff, but she did not just want to sit there idly. Sam told him about her last days in the academy and after a while she felt how he became calmer. She took that as a good sign and went on, telling him about the various applicants. She was not sure whether he was listening at all, but it did not matter much. He was a lot calmer than he was before and that was what matter to her. She was surprised, however, when he spoke suddenly.

“And the young recruit has really dared to criticize you? I would have torn him a new ass” Jack said calmly.

"Yes, you would have" she laughed softly.

"But he has shown courage and has some qualities that seem quite useful to me, so I've put him in the right place for the Stargate program. Somehow, the cheeky guy reminds me of a certain good-looking Air Force Colonel, so that is in his favor also" Sam grinned cheekily.

"Too bad I cannot make his life hell. You know, I would have liked to kick him in the ass."

Sam's emotions boiled again, his statement bringing back the dark thoughts of his inevitable fate into her memory. She did not want to think about it, but it was real and nothing would change that, besides a miracle. She tried very hard to push these thoughts away.

"Although he is so like you?" She stammered, not trying to sound sad.

"That's exactly why," he laughed softly.

She loved it when his voice was derailed by laughter. She hadn’t heard it all too often in all these years. She knew he outplayed much of his real feelings with his loose manner, but that was one of the reasons she also loved the man.  
Since he had escaped Baal's hell, his laughter had become less frequent. She wondered all too often whether he had forgotten and let go everything that he had gone through there. If she was to bet on it, she would say he had not told everything and buried the matter deep in his head to forget it as quickly as possible, like so many others.

 

 

***********************************************************************************

 

 

Janet Frasier talked to Teal'c, and she tried so hard not to sound troubled. Normally, it was not difficult for her to be professional, it was part of her daily tasks, but the fate of Jack O'Neill was very close to her, and just now it was damn difficult for her to remain factual and calm. She noticed herself, she sounded uncertain, and therefore she had to pay close attention to what she said. The last thing she wanted was to put the trust of Jack O'Neill at risk. She knew him well enough to know he trusted only a handful of people, and she was happy, she was one of them.  
Since the Jaffa had no longer a symbiont, he also needed sleep. He was in the middle of a deep sleep, when an air man pounded on the door of his quarters. The frightened Jaffa warrior answered the door immediately, trying to figure out what was the cause of the nightly turmoil. After the air man, had informed him that Dr. Frasier had called, he hurried to the phone and on his way, he wondered what had happened. He knew it could only be an emergency. And he was a hundred percent sure, the emergency was his friend Colonel O'Neill. 

After Doctor Frasier informed him in detail of needing his help, the man did not waste any unnecessary time and set off immediately. Teal'c was known to always keep a cool head, no matter how unclear the situation was for him, but he still seemed unbelievingly calm and determined when he arrived at Frasier’s house.

"Doctor Frasier," he greeted the doctor, and nodded.

Janet Frasier asked the stoically acting man to come in. 

"Hello Teal'c. Thank you for coming so fast. I had already told you on the phone what is going on. He's in the bathroom. "

He laid his large hand on her shoulder, friendly, and followed her into the bathroom.

"Sir, Teal’c is here now! When you're ready, we can begin, again" she said carefully, not sure how Jack would react.

The officer muttered gruffly, his eyes still closed. He had hardly talked for the last few minutes, he was just exhaustingly tired, and now Janet was going to subject him again to her "torture" as he called it. She had to be make sure that his condition improved steadily, taking care of his injured leg. Jack cursed and bit his teeth as she looked at the wound more closely. The stitches seemed to handle his involuntary excursion, but the leg was quite swollen. The doctor was glad to hear at least that his nausea has subsided and that he felt somewhat better now.

 

It did not cost the Jaffa much effort to unload his groaning friend on the bed in the next room. Even without the symbiote in him, he was still much stronger than everyone else in the SGC. Janet and Sam had already arranged for the Colonel to lie half-seated in bed. After getting him situated, it took some minutes for the man to react to something. His eyes half open, he suddenly looked at his friend, who watched him all the time, but said nothing.

"Thank you my friend," he whispered, trying not to sound too weak.

In the eyes of the Jaffa the officer could see, the man was worried, but he knew Teal'c would not say anything, not here and not in the presence of others.


	19. Chapter 19

Jack's eyes were almost closed when Janet brought him some ice for his leg and examined him another time. He was dead tired and just wanted to sleep. The unbearable nausea had now almost disappeared, and he felt it was far from being as it had recently been. Janet seemed satisfied with him, put a hand on his shoulder and talked softly.

"You can sleep now Sir, I'll see you later."

He nodded in agreement, still wanted to thank her for everything she had done for him, but was much too exhausted to move or speak in any way, and he did not notice any more when the doctor and Teal’c left the room.  
Samantha Carter sat on the edge of the bed, holding his hand firmly in hers, and wanted to stay by his side until she was sure he was doing well. She was afraid that his condition might worsen. Although he had been asleep for a while, she did not move, did not want to risk waking him in any way. The young woman watched his sleep, did not take her eyes off him the whole time. He still looked damn pale as far as she was concerned. Sam could hardly bear to see the man she loved so much like this.  
Unwillingly, Sam thought of the situation and his behavior of the past night in the bathroom. Immediately she had tears in her eyes and she wiped at them angrily. How dare she pity herself when her love was dying. She thought again about his pain and stroked Jack gently on his hand. In the room daylight slowly spread out, and before the window, birds singled the new day with their singing. Sam just sat there and listened to the concert in front of the room window.   
A long while later, Janet entered the room again and cast an examining glance at the peacefully sleeping man. She herself, found no rest and was concerned about the condition of her patient, especially after Teal'c had told her, in his opinion, his friend would be better off in a hospital. Janet liked his open and honest manner, and generally appreciated it very much, but not today. She grunted at the man, told him his opinion would not be needed here, and at the same moment, she felt sorry for Teal’c.   
She knew the man was just as concerned about his friend as she was, but would never admit it. Her nerves were so edgy today. She knew for herself that it was not the most sensible thing to do to give Jack his will now, from a purely medical point of view. Yet, from a human point of view, it was the best thing she could do for him and she was afraid, the only thing she could do for him. Janet tried to explain to Teal'c her motives as well as she could, without giving too much away and hoping the Jaffa would understand. She was fully aware of how far she could go and knew she did not have much room left. She stood next to her friend, noticing Sam had been crying:

"Sam, I've made coffee, extra strong, I think we can both use some now." she whispered and held her hand to her friend to help her up.

"Come on, Major." She winked. "Let him sleep, I hope he'll rest for a while, he was very exhausted and desperately needs sleep."

Sam reluctantly pulled from his side, but she knew Janet was right and she could really use a strong coffee and a shoulder to lean on. Only now did the officer notice how tired and exhausted she actually was. A look at Janet betrayed her, her friend was also no better. The two women sat at the kitchen table and were silent. Samantha held her hot coffee in her hands and stared into the cup. Janet watched her girlfriend for a while.

"Sam, do you want to talk?"

The blonde looked up and nodded slightly. She wanted to talk, she had to talk to someone about her feelings, her worries. But she could not find the right words. She realized she had hesitated a little longer than she thought when Janet called her name.

"Sam?" Asked Janet.

Samantha Carter immediately burst into tears. She could not hold them back and this time she did not care. Janet Frasier walked around the table and crouched beside her weeping friend. Putting her arms around her, she held her letting her know she was there for comfort and support. It was a while before either of them spoke.

"I've never seen him like that, Janet, he's been crying."

"I know." She consoled her best friend. "He was damned much to bear in the last days. I know he has followed my advice and talked to you, I'm glad he trusted someone, told you everything and I promise you I'll be there for you both. No matter what happens between you. "

Sam looked at her in surprise.

"How did you know?"

The doctor confided in her that she had gone in the room to speak to the Colonel, especially to apologize to him about her earlier behavior. She had seen Sam there with him on the bed.

Sam blushed slightly.

"I fell asleep, I wanted to go, but Jack asked me to stay."

"Sam, that's all right, there's no reason to apologize, I'm happy for you, for both of you!"

"Janet, it's not fair! He is dying! Why?! I mean, I know why, but why.... him?!" She sobbed, tears running down her cheek.

Janet simply held her in her arms and tried to console her.

"And you cannot do anything for him?" Sam asked, full of hope.

"No, removal of the tumor is not possible."

She tried to answer all of Sam’s questions as well and honest as she could. It gave her heart a pain to see Sam so desperately begging for help for her Jack.

"Is the tumor sitting in an unfavorable position so that the brain would be damaged if it were surgically removed?"

"The tumor has already reached a considerable size and has already penetrated into important areas of the brain. Surgery would not be possible without injuring these areas. The tumor grows rapidly and causes the pressure on the brain to rise steadily. Because of this reason, is why he is so bad now. "

Janet could see exactly what Sam thought and was waiting for the question.

"I do not understand why something was not already done. I mean, even fast-growing tumors do not appear in one day. Janet, I know you well enough to know, you are rather too thorough in your examinations. And if you had the slightest suspicion ....... you would have reacted immediately!!!! So? Why was it not noticed sooner?" Sam cried again.

"I also asked myself, reproached myself and thought about it for a long time. I even had real feelings of guilt, asking myself if I had overlooked something. I went through his file repeatedly ... all the research results were there, and showed nothing. There was no evidence of a tumor. However, his constant headaches worried me, so I gave him to the best neurologist in the area, just to make sure it was all right. When Colonel O'Neill came to me and gave me the diagnosis, I was very angry. I asked myself repeatedly how can that be? Believe me, Sam, I've been thinking about it and I did not want to believe it, but it must be manipulation. There is no other possibility. I am talking about a specific manipulation of his research results over an extensive period."

The Air Force Major looked at her horrified.

"You mean someone intentionally falsified his results so that ...... the tumor was not recognized until it was too late?!”

The young woman jumped up and could not hide her boundless rage. She threw the half-full coffee cup, which she held all the time in her hands, at the opposite wall and screamed with despair. Janet was immediately at her side and took the screaming woman in a tight embrace.

"That's murder!" Sam shouted again and again, tears racing down her checks. She felt the tightness in her chest, finding it hard to breath. Why would someone do this to him, to someone who would cause harm to no one?


	20. Chapter 20

Janet Frasier had trouble trying to soothe her friend, and she could not blame her for being this upset. The Doctor was also very worried about the young woman, fearing Sam could suffer a breakdown. Janet watched her, as she continued sitting, weeping at the kitchen table, her head on her arms. Her best friend was right next to her, holding Samantha in a tight embrace, giving her enough time to calm herself before she tried to talk to the desperate young woman. When Sam sobbed softly, Janet took the opportunity to speak to her.

"Sam?"

"How does he cope with this? Knowing to die will be bad enough, but also to know someone has practically condemned him to death, intentionally, that's just cruel.” She sobbed with tears.

Janet stroked her arm soothingly, and was close to tears herself.

"He does not know." She whispered

The blond woman looked up and stared at Janet.

“He does not know?"

"Sam, it was only a guess from me, but now I'm sure it's true, but there is no evidence, not yet, General Hammond and I, we are the only ones who know all the facts and we agree, It's the best for Jack, if he does not know it for the time being, at least until we have some handy evidence."

"But ...... why does he not ask himself why you did not discover the tumor before? He is not stupid, even if he always wants us to believe it."

"I've been wondering about that, but I just think he's so busy hiding his condition from everyone he's not been thinking about. He told me he made a list of things which he absolutely wants to do before he .......... "

She paused briefly.

"Did he tell you what he was up to?"

Sam looked at her frightened.

"In what way?"

"He wants to go to Minnesota and spend his remaining time there, and his departure was planned for today."

"He wanted to leave without a word?"

"I tried to make him understand that it was madness, what he planned to do. But you know the stubborn man, he did not want to listen to me, of course. Even the General tried to stop him, without success. If his day had not gone so badly, he would have been on his way to his cabin."

Sam was really stunned.

"He would have gone away without saying goodbye? Without saying good-bye to me?"

The officer did not know whether it was rage, what she suddenly felt, or rather boundless disappointment.

"He did not know how to handle it, so he made the list, he told me about it." The doctor defended him.

"That was it ......... that was the list. I found it when I was looking for the pills. It fell to the ground and I had to look so oblivious. ... Oh, God, I understand now, it's his way of saying good-bye to all of us, he did not want us to know it, to know what was happening! I guess he'd rather make it with himself than to be a burden for someone or even to be pitied. That is just terrible ....... we're his friends, damn it! I think I can speak for all of us, we would do anything to help him .... I would do anything for him, everything for him! "

Again, the tears cascaded down Sam’s face. Janet handed her a fresh handkerchief.

"Sam, he took a big step and talked to you. It was not easy for him and it cost him a lot of trouble and heartache, I know. Maybe you can change his plans.” 

Janet looked at Sam, with pleading eyes, literally begging her.

“Sam, he cannot stay out there alone. I think he has not yet fully understood what is going to happen to him."

"How bad can it be Janet?"

"I cannot say, no one can do that. In the case of such diseases, there is no clear diagnosis. Some patients have numerous complaints; others live for a long time without complaints or with very few restrictions. But, he has to understand that his condition can deteriorate at any time."

Janet suddenly broke off in the middle of the conversation when she heard her daughter coming down the stairs. If possible, the girl should not be aware of all this, not yet. Janet did not even want to imagine what it would be like when her daughter learned that Jack, her Jack was seriously ill, and cannot defeat this disease-not this time. Jack O'Neill had escaped death many times. Janet often wondered how strong his body and survival were! But he could not defeat the cancer.

 

 

Teal'c was back in Cheyenne Mountain and working in the training area. He loved the training in the early morning hours and used the loneliness today to get away. He was not angry at Dr. Frasier, what she had said to him let him know that she was really worried about O'Neill. O'Neill's health seemed to be getting worse then Teal'c had assumed. When Daniel Jackson came to him and told him of his concerns about O’Neill, he dismissed it as being “overprotective" by Daniel.

He was angry, angry at himself, he should have noticed it. Normally he had a feeling for such things. He drove on the punching bag, his blows getting harder and faster. The night before – he had not realized just how ill his friend was – not until that night, and then it was too late!  
He put his whole rage into the power of his fists, striking the sack repeatedly, again and again. Until finally, the material yielded and the contents slowly trickled onto the ground. Teal’c stood and watched it – never realizing the tears that were running down his face to join the sand.


	21. Chapter 21

Daniel Jackson sat with his team colleague at breakfast in the commissary and wondered what was bothering the man today. He was even more silent than usual, did not seem to even be aware of what was going on around him, and pounded in thought at his breakfast. Daniel had hoped to meet the Jaffa and have an open ear for his worries. The whole last evening the linguist had tried to reach Jack O'Neill. The man had switched off his cell phone and even at his home, Daniel only reached the answering machine. Daniel left numerous messages for Jack and was aware that he was probably already annoyed and would certainly strangle him.   
Jack hated such care when it concerned him. But as soon as someone else was injured or sick on his team, Colonel Jack O'Neill mutated into a worried mother. He did not let this person out of his sight, even if he had to deal with Janet, until she gave into him or threw him out of the infirmary. The latter was usually the case. Daniel had even seen her threatening Jack with physical consequences. That was so rare between the two, that when it did happen, Jack knew he had finally lost. Daniel often had the impression that both enjoyed this kind of power struggle also. Colonel Jack O'Neill had the higher rank, but Major Janet Frasier had the upper hand in medical matters and thus outranked him. And yet, as soon as the man himself was sick or injured, he never let anybody approach him more than necessary.

Daniel concluded, either Jack was not at home, or he did not want to talk to him. But he was worried about his friend, whether Jack liked it or not and just wanted to know how he was. He could not reach Sam, either, and Teal'c was acting strange. Daniel could not get rid of the feeling that the Jaffa knew more than he did. Teal'c could not speak to his team colleague, he had promised Doctor Frasier not to let out a word about the events of the night before. The Jaffa hated to lie to his friend. He saw how much the uncertainty was bothering Daniel but he would not break his word to the Doctor. Therefore, he decided to say nothing. He would keep his word at all costs. When Daniel looked up from his breakfast, his gaze fell upon the little figure who was just entering the room to get a coffee. He jumped up and steered purposefully toward the person.

"Janet, do you know where Jack is? I can’t reach him? He's left with you yesterday” he said to the doctor.

Janet stood with her back to him. She rolled her eyes, sipped her fresh coffee, breathed a sigh of relief before she turned slowly and looked directly into Daniel's blue eyes. Endless conversations with the man she could not cope after last night. But she knew he would not rest until she spoke to him.

"Good morning Daniel, how are you doing this morning?"

"Oh…..good morning!" He stammered, playing nervously with his glasses.

Daniel had no patience for such phrases. Daniel loved to talk but just common phrases like “how do you do” and “good morning” seemed to always through him off balance. While standing there trying to think of what to say next, he could not help but notice how tired and exhausted Janet looked. Was there something wrong with her also?

"Wow, you somehow do not look so .......... um rested, to put it kindly" he remarked.

"Charming as always, Doctor Jackson!"

Janet somehow felt sorry for him and she did not want to leave him alone. Daniel's concern for his best friend was palpable and she tried to find at least calming words for the man.

"Colonel O'Neill is in good hands, do not worry. I'm sure he'll report to you, Daniel. Just let him have some more time” she said quietly, kindly, and then turned abruptly, hoping Daniel would leave it at that.

"Time for what, Janet? I do not understand ... ..."

Janet Frasier was already on her way again, as Daniel grabbed her arm and pulled her back. The sudden jerk caused hot coffee to splatter all over Janet’s white coat and her hands. 

"Daniel, please ...... ...I can’t say anymore!" She whispered angrily to the archaeologist as she hurried away.

Daniel Jackson was confused. He did not know what to think about any of this. Annoyed, he sat back down at the table with his friend and begin voicing his anger, when the Jaffa suddenly got up and left the commissary without a word.

 

 

Loud bird chirping was the first thing he heard as he slowly opened his eyes and tried to remember where he was at. Gradually he became fully awake, rubbed his tired, dry eyes, and looked carefully. Beside his left arm was a blond curly head. Sam! She seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Jack tried not to move more than necessary because he did not want to wake her up. His throat, however was damn dry as if he were stuck in the desert, and he could not prevent the rough cough as it began. Sam jumped up and looked at him sleepily. She smiled.

"Hey, you're awake."

He wanted to say something, but there was no more than a croak from his rough throat, followed by a violent cough.

"Oh how stupid of me. You must be very thirsty" she said,  
She reached over him, to get the glass of water on the night stand beside him. Handing it to him, Jack gratefully accepted the cool beverage and drank hastily. His throat felt as if he had eaten sandpaper. Sam looked at him worried.

"Slowly Jack, you must swallow slowly."

When he had moistened his throat enough, he gave her the glass back.

"I'm sorry I woke you up again" he whispered.

His voice was hoarse.

"That does not matter. How are you? "She asked him lovingly.

"Much better."

He even smiled a little.

"Jack, would you like something to eat? Janet said if you feel like it, then you should try to eat something. But most important, you must drink a lot, you've lost a lot of fluid. You have to be dehydrated and that is not good.”

"You sound like Frasier. Where is she? "

He was amazed that Doc was not at his side to take another exam.

"She had an important appointment, but gave me exact instructions for your care, Sir"

"Oh, I bet, she did," he moaned.

Sam grinned as she saw his grimace.

"So? Do you want to eat?"

When she looked at him, she knew the answer. He still looked very pale, had little more color than the sheets.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry," he confessed to her.

"Then I'll make you a cup of tea. It's good for you. "

She was about to get up when Jack took her by the hand and pulled her back. She dropped back onto the edge of the bed and waited until he spoke. His voice was rough.

"Thanks Sam! For all you did for me last night. I can’t thank you enough for it. " 

"I did not do much; Janet did all the work. I was just helpless and overwhelmed with the whole situation. If Janet had not been ......... " she admitted ashamed. 

"You helped me more than you might believe, Sam. You were with me the whole time. That was what I needed during this situation.”

Jack took a deep breath, another swallow of water and then continued – he needed to get this out.

“I know Janet has done a lot for me. More than I have earned and I can never pay back. I am grateful to her. Really grateful ... ... she kept her promise to me and did not take me to the hospital, even though it was certainly against her conviction. This is what makes real friends. I am more than grateful to have friends like Janet, Teal'c and Daniel. And you! But I would not call you a friend, you are more to me, much more, you have always been. I love you Sam."

Samantha stroked him lovingly over his cheek and kissed him on his lips.

"I love you Jack."

"You shouldn’t kiss me. I have a terrible taste in my mouth and I do not smell very well."

Sam laughed loudly, his gaze so pitiful.

"And a shave, you need a shave." She joked, taking his chin in her hand and turned his head to her, looked with love into his brown eyes and kissed him again. Then she looked at him gravely, wanting to ask something but not sure how he would take it.

"May I ask you something?"

"Sure. Everything! You can ask me anything!"

"Jack why are you frightened so much by the idea of going to the hospital? I know you've spent a lot of time in hospitals and at the infirmary and you have always done everything possible to get away quickly. But, well, I’ve never seen you panic like last night. "

Jack looked embarrassed and hesitated with his answer. Sam was the woman he loved, it was time she heard some things about him that nobody else knew. He wanted to spend the time that remained with her, with no secrets or lies. So, he took a deep breath, summed up all the courage, and told her why he was so afraid. It was not easy for him to open himself completely. So far, Sam knew him only as her hard-hitting, fearless commanding officer. And who likes to admit to be afraid of something. A man like Jack O'Neill, certainly not!


	22. Chapter 22

"And how old were you?" She asked, in shock, holding his hand firmly all the time when he told her about it.

He spoke softly, looked depressed and uncertain.

"Ten."

"Terrible ...... and no one had told you before, what would happen, what to expect? You were a child; a child should not see something like that! You should not have experienced that. This is already hard for an adult."

Sam could not help herself. She was dismayed, angry……… angry at people she did not know. She wondered all the time how parents could do that to their own child.

"It was another time Sam, a different time. ‘I was the oldest, I had to be there ...... I should give him the last honor, deputy for all the grandchildren.’” His voice was now only a whisper. He paused for a moment……then continued.

"It was terrible ............... his eyes were wide open when he took his last breath ........ he screamed in pain, all the time, I believe He was no longer in his senses, and he did not recognize me anymore, I stood at his bed and father said I should talk to him ............... then his cold hand grabbed my arm suddenly....... and begged for mercy ........ " Silent tears rolled down Jack’s cheeks.

"I was glad when he finally died. No, I was really relieved ........ I was ashamed for this feeling, I was paralyzed, stared at the dead man for what felt like an eternity, until father pulled me away........... I believed for a long time, it would always be like that, when a person stepped from life to death ……......... I had nightmares, all the time but I concealed it. After all I was a "man", as my father always used to say and no fear bunny. My dad did not tolerate any weakness, so he was brought up, and so he has brought us up. I think Mom knew about my nightmares, but never said anything. Such things were not spoken out loud in our home. "

It was hard for him to talk about it.

"Only when I grew older did I understand what I had been experiencing, grandfather died by .......... cancer, Sam, he had cancer……… he suffered so terribly ....... they brought him to die in a terrible place." He closed his eyes.

"A hospice home" Sam realized…….. her voice was shaky.

"I will never forget that awful place, people were screaming and crying everywhere ... In a barren, dark room lay grandfather, with two other men, the one was hardly older than twenty and the other had a huge mask over his face and made horrible noises, I was terrified. "

Sam got goose bumps, Jack's descriptions went right under her skin and she tried to suppress her emerging emotions.

"It was terribly stuffy in the tiny room. I had the feeling of suffocating and the stench ...... it smelled of urine and other things. Just the thought of it ........" he swallowed hard.

Sam could see how suddenly the rest of the color fell from Jack's face before he began to cough. He held his hands to his mouth, and tried his best to jump up, but it was too late ......... he vomited. It was no more than the water, which he had consumed, but it was enough to wet the bed completely. He looked ashamed of himself and wished he was far, far away. The whole situation, his feelings, everything was just too much for him now. He suddenly felt tired and sick again.

"Hey, look at me, I'll help you. Jack, may I help you?"

He nodded with tears in his eyes. Sam helped the chalk-colored man out of bed and out of his wet shirt. Somehow Jack looked as he felt, as helpless as a little boy. Sam could hardly bear to see him like that. His descriptions had touched her so much. Jack stood there, as good as naked and just felt sick, 

He was cold and he was still a little sick, suddenly he began to tremble. Samantha noticed it and took a blanket………. put it protectively over his shoulders. Then she helped the man into the bathroom, so he could wash his face and feel fresher. She hoped it would help him feel better.  
All the joints ached in his body and he felt really shaky on his legs. A look in the mirror almost scared him.

"Man, you could make the dead look good, buddy." He said to the guy in the mirror.

Somehow he managed to keep standing up at the sink until he had washed himself. The short trip to the bath had cost him more strength than he wanted to admit. Slowly he limped back into the guest room and as Sam moved back to the bed, he bent down and picked up the dirty laundry.

"You do not have to do this Sam; I can do it myself." 

He growled, agitated and aggravated that he felt so helpless. That she saw him like this. He had not wanted her to see him like this and yet here she was and in the deepest part of his heart – he had to admit – he was glad she was here with him. Sam noticed how uncertain he was on his legs, so she took the pile of dirty laundry and threw it aside. She than gave the wavering man a helping hand, as he wriggled menacingly.

"Jack, please lie down again, you do not look good. I'll do it, I will pick up the stuff. Please lay down!!”

“Now you are doing it to me. First, Janet is killing me and now I have to obey you too." 

He said it short but she knew he was tired and upset so let it pass. She raised the blanket with her free hand, so that he could crawl underneath. Gratefully, he accepted the offer. She sat on the edge of the bed, stroked his silvery-gray hair and gently kissed his forehead.

"Lie down and rest. I will be back shortly, I need to talk to Janet"

"Does it have to be that way? Do you have to go now?" He growled.

He did not want to be alone, not now.

"Yes, Jack, I must talk to Janet and let her know what just happen, I do not want to risk her anger." She joked.

 

 

Janet Frasier’s cell phone rang while she was in the middle of the meeting with her superior. After seeing Sam's number on the display, she apologized briefly to General Hammond and took the call. She had instructed her friend to inform her immediately if Colonel O'Neill's condition changed. Worried, she listened to what Sam told her.

"Okay Sam, how is he doing now? I'd like you to take his blood pressure. I'm worried his brain pressure will rise again.”

General Hammond sat at his desk and followed the conversation inevitably. He folded his hands and propped his chin on it. He was tense. They had just been collecting evidence for the manipulation of Jack O'Neill's investigation results when the call came.

"The blood pressure is normal, that's good……. in the bathroom, in the closet, there is a small bottle with drops for nausea. If necessary, give him a teaspoon of it and make sure he knows he must drink plenty of water but this time slowly. Sam, tell him that again explicitly.”

Janet waited for Sam to relay her message back to her to make sure she understood. She wanted nothing to go wrong. She knew Jack was more comfortable with Sam than with her, so if she could handle him then Janet could leave her with him more often. Anything she could do to help Jack and Sam through this terrible time, she wanted to do.

“Sam, If he has drunk too much, too fast, that may have been the problem. His stomach is probably irritated. Watch him and I will be there, as fast as I can. And he's supposed to lie down, even if he feels better. This is a medical order; you can tell him! And he better not resists my instructions. "

 

General Hammond could not resist a grin. He too knew Jack and knew to follow instructions was not his strength. The General often wondered how, for heaven's sake, the man had done it with his sarcastic manner, to get the rank of a Colonel


	23. Chapter 23

His eyes were still tightly closed when Sam came back. At first she thought he was still asleep. She put the tray, on which was a dry, slightly toasted slice of white bread and a cup of freshly brewed tea on the bedside table. He seemed to sleep for quite for a while. Sam was glad his condition had improved quickly and he could sleep. He looked much better again, she thought. Sam was about to sneak out of the room when the man suddenly spoke softly.

"Can you promise me something?" He asked softly.

Sam turned around and sat down beside him. She stroked his cheek slightly, lovingly. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Anything" She whispered, giving him a smile.

"No word to Frasier. Please, what I have told you, remains among us?"

"Jack, would it not be better if you trusted her? She can help you…. Jack, I do not know how to help you.” Sam said quietly, the helplessness apparent in her voice.

"I do not need any help." "He remarked repulsively.

"Oh yes, of course not." She rolled with her eyes.

His reaction was typical of the him. Sam knew this behavior from Jack only too well.

"Jack, you will need help. What do you think will happen when the tumor continues to spread? Sooner or later, you'll need medical help that Janet cannot give you."

“The worse will not come before I will ............" he stopped in the middle of the sentence. Damn it! He did not want to say that. He cursed inside.

Sam looked at him with wide eyes.

"Before you will what?" She asked shocked by his unfinished sentence. She tried not to think about what he almost said but in the back of her mind, Sam knew what he meant.

He did not respond. He just laid there, starring rigidly at the wooden ceiling.

"Jack, what did you mean?" Her voice barely escaped, and her heart beat faster and faster in her breast. Sam suddenly had a really bad feeling.

The man just laid there and said nothing. Sam did not let it go, she demanded an answer from him. She grabbed him firmly by the arm and demanded an answer from him. Suddenly he turned to her and looked her in the eye but still he said nothing. However, this time it was not necessary either. Sam knew exactly what he had meant.  
She could not believe it, did not want to believe what she had heard and shook her head vehemently.

"No, you did not want to ... do not tell me this is what you planned.” She cried. She was beside herself.

Jack sat up abruptly.

"Sam, I ......... I do not intend to die like my grandfather, if I have an alternative." He cried back.

"Alternative, Jack, you can’t be serious, choosing that is not an alternative!" She interrupted him. Taking him by the arm, she shook him.

"Do you have a better one?" He asked. His fists clenched.

He could feel the anger in him again, this unspeakable rage. He had to try and keep it under control.

"Yes, I have .......... fight! You have never given up, never, no matter how hopeless the situations were. You were always the one who made us go beyond the normal on our missions Giving up was never an option. Why now? You're a fighter, damn it."

He was hurt, a little annoyed that she did not even what his life had been like. He had fought all his life, and what had he got out of it? Sure, he could brag about some success, but he also lost so much more in his life. He had always had to be the "strong" one. Now he was tired and she wanted to fight him.

"I can’t, Sam, I have no strength left. I've had to fight all my life, but I've always had a real chance to win. This time the fight is futile, I can only lose, so why even bother?" He sounded resigned, so strange.

"For me……. for us." Sam was crying bitterly. 

She could not and would not understand him. Why now? Why after admitting to each other how much they loved one another could he still want to do this? Jack's hands dug into the mattress, he'd just wanted to run away. He could not stand to see Sam like this, so desperate.

"You said you loved me." She sobbed.

"And that is the truth, but it was not planned that I ..............." he was stuck, finding the right words was difficult.

So slowly the young woman understood the connections, and it showed in her eyes. Suddenly, all the pieces fit together.

"You wanted to go to your cabin to put an end to your life?! I did not exist in your plan, you wanted to lock yourself secretly away. Therefor this list ........ do not look at me like that, Jack ... ... Yes, I know about your plans to go to Minnesota and about your list ...... and now I also realize why you did not even bother to think about alternatives isn't it so? "

Sam was desperate. Jack glanced at himself, his fingers playing nervously with the bed sheets. He could not look into her eyes. Especially considering the conversation, he wanted to avoid it all.

"Sam, I do not know what to say ........... I thought ........ it was the best ...... for all." He murmured.

"You thought it would be best for us? No ......... I tell you what .......... you wanted to do it because it was the easiest for you!!!! Run away .......... that was what you wanted ......... you always do. "Sam could no longer hide her anger 

"You think holding a weapon to your head and pulling the trigger is easy?" He looked annoyed with her, angry even, and laughed cynically.

"Believe me, it’s not, I've done it before and I'm not able to shoot ......... so do not tell me, it's easy!" The man was trembling with rage.

Sam stared at him horrified. She had not known that.

"After Charlie died and Sara left me, I was so desperate, I drank a lot, just wanted to forget everything, I soon became interested in nothing and no one, I became depressed, drank more and more just so I would feel nothing. Then I came to a point where I simply did not want to live anymore, I was disgusted with myself. But I was not even able to make my miserable life come to an end! "He grew increasingly angry, his voice sounding colder and harder with every word.

"Jack"

"Let me finish ........." he stammered.

He looked Sam deeply in her eyes, suddenly became quieter and his voice was quite soft.

"Sam, I'm sorry ......... I can’t give you what you deserve, not now. You should look for a nice man who will read your every wish from the eyes, start a family .... ........ and do not tie yourself to a failure like me, I do not want you to be hurt and be sorry. "

She pulled him closer, pressed herself tightly to his extremely tense body as much as he allowed and whispered,

"How can I regret something after I've yearned for it for so long? I love you and just want to enjoy every minute of the time we're together. I'd rather be willing to lose you than never have you."

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke. Jack wrapped his arms around the weeping woman, took her as tightly into his arms as he could and hid his face into her neck.

"I'm Afraid Sam," he whispered. She could barely hear him with his mouth against her neck.

"I know Jack."

She just let him rest for a moment and noticed how slowly he relaxed a bit.

"I promise you I'll stand by you .......... no matter what comes, but you must promise me something, Jack, promise me you do not do anything stupid, do you promise me that?"

She almost asked pleadingly. Sam lifted his head and made him look at her. He nodded.

"And you must not give up, no matter what happens. Do you hear?"

"I'll try." He murmured.

"You can do it, Colonel." She said firmly and gave him a long, passionate kiss.

"You know how to motivate someone major! I could get used to it easily." He grinned.

"Special treatment for you, sir." She giggled and breathed something into his ear before she kissed him again.

Jack got goose bumps all over, grabbed Samantha and squeezed her lovingly beside him on the mattress. Suddenly, he leaned over her, stroking her tender lips with his thumb, before kissing her. Then he stroked her again, tenderly over her lips, then her chin, and down her neck. Sam was wiggling next to him, excitement stirring that easily inside of her. As he nibbled on her earlobe, she chuckled, nervously.

"What are you up to?" She asked, almost breathless.

"Nothing " He grinned seductively, and kissed her again


	24. Chapter 24

Janet rubbed her tired blood red eyes. She was much to unfocused and worried about the man to work effectively. She wondered if he was feeling better now. She had not heard from her friend for a while and assumed that everything was alright with the Colonel. Secretly, she hoped Sam used her absence to talk to Jack. To get him to come out of his depression, to get rid of his crazy plan to spend the rest of his life in the wilderness. Janet was firmly convinced Sam would not allow him to simply leave her life. Suddenly she realized again how little time her two friends had remaining and anger rose in her. What kind of person does such a thing to another person? She refused to believe anyone from her staff could be involved in it. It just could not be true, the thought made her angry and sad.   
She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she did not hear the knock on her door until the second time. She groaned loudly as she recognized it was Daniel who was asking for admission. He was stubborn, she had to give him that. As she let him in, Janet acknowledged his presence and then dropped back into her seat, folded her hands, and looked at the archaeologist expectantly.

“Doctor Jackson, what can I do for you?" She asked kindly.

Daniel had decided to talk to her again, this time to apologize. His actions in the commissary was wrong, he knew that now. It was certainly not the right place for such a conversation. He found it difficult to find the right words.

"Doctor Frasier, I would like to apologize to you, I should not have pushed you so hard. And yet, I do not understand why no one says anything truthfully to me. I am worried about Jack, also. After all, he's my friend too. It is only natural that I am worried. You would be if you were in my place. I just will not let this go. Everyone knows here, except me."

"Daniel, I understand your concern quite well, but I cannot tell you more than I have already. Why does everyone think I am breaking my medical oath?" I have ever given occasion to doubt my professionalism? I cannot talk about Colonel O'Neill's health, and I do not want to! I'll tell you again. ...... Talk to him personally! "

"I would have to reach him first!" He muttered to himself. "Can you at least give him something from me?"

He took a small envelope from his pocket and pushed it across the desk towards Janet. The doctor groaned inside and muttered ‘wonder if I can be as slow as the post office?’  
Seeing the note reminded Janet of the letter that Colonel O'Neill had given her. She would have to give him the envelope on the next occasion.

"Daniel, can I give you some well-meaning advice? Give him time to come to you. I am sure he will soon. Patience is not one of your strengths, Doctor Jackson."

The archaeologist scratched the bridge of his nose, embarrassed and looked at her so pleadingly that Janet gave in and finally promised to give Jack the letter.

 

Sam and Jack were still laying, cuddled together on th bed. Jack felt very comfortable in Sam's presence and had made a decision. He looked Sam in the eye, and kissed her tenderly. Samantha loved it when he looked at her this way. His eyes aroused some deep feelings inside her. She could not explain it, but it had been that way since she first encountered him. His pupils looked even darker than usual. Sam giggled, causing Jack to look at her in surprise.

"What?" He asked.

"Has anyone ever said that your eyes have an incredibly intense color? They always remind me ............ of the chocolate cake that my mother used to bake."

He lay there for a moment in deep thought, his forehead creased with wrinkles which she loved so much and answered:

"Not lately, but Sara always called me ................." he grinned and suddenly fell silent.

"What did she call you?" She asked him curiously. Her eyes sparkled with anticipation.

"Yeah, I’m sure you would like to know." He laughed loudly and kissed her again.

Sam looked at him for a while.

"Do you still think of them?" She asked cautiously.

"No, I loved her very much, but ... it was difficult after Charlie was no longer there. She tried everything to help me, but I was so busy accusing myself and pitying myself, that eventually I lost her, too ... but that's over. "

He spoke very affectionately and with respect of the mother of his son. Sam seemed so concerned and could not hide this from him.

"So, no reason for jealousy." He joked and drew her back towards him. He did not want her to worry about his past "Sam ....... I've been thinking about you, about us, I can’t offer you a future, but I want to spend the time that remains with you ....... I'll speak with General Hammond and submit my resignation, and I would like to be able to reveal my love for you. "

"Are you sure?" She asked visibly surprised.

His answer was his most beautiful smile and a long kiss. Then he sat on the edge of the bed and caressed her lovingly over the cheek before he slowly rose and hobbled into the bathroom. Sam lay on the bed, SHE did not think of tomorrow, the future and what it would bring. All she could think of was how happy and in love she was at that moment.

 

It was late afternoon when General Hammond received the call from Colonel O'Neill. His sudden change of attitude was a little surprising to his superior. Jack had not betrayed his real reason for wanting to resign on the phone. He did state that he wanted to retire immediately and asked for a final official meeting, in which his complete team should be present. The general thought Jack O'Neill wanted to tell his team everything. He did not know who or what had changed his mind, but was glad that it had happened faster than expected.

 

Daniel was on his way to his apartment, he had remembered that he had an appointment tonight. He was not in the mood for company at the moment, his thoughts constantly circled around his friend. It was hard for him to concentrate on anything else. Jack was the one who brought him to a friendly relationship with the woman he had been dating for some time. Jack had encouraged him to meet and get to know Kathleen. Daniel told him some time ago about the young woman with the Dutch roots and Jack urged him to date this woman.   
At first, Daniel was skeptical; it was completely different from his previous acquaintances. Kathleen worked as a dog trainer. She trained special dogs, called service dogs. These animals were trained to facilitate the daily life of the sick or disabled. Daniel was not necessarily a great friend of pets, he did not know anything about dogs at all. But after meeting her and getting to know her, it did not bother him that he could not keep his words straight when he was with her. He just loved it when the young woman told him about her job and he listened to her words. Kathleen was very sympathetic to the young archaeologist, and Daniel was kind of impressed with her whole way of doing what she was doing. He did not want to admit it at first, but he could no longer deny it, he was in love.  
He hoped that Kathleen might have distracted him from his worries today, with her cheerful manner and stories, as they sat in a small romantic restaurant an hour later. Kathleen told him about her working day, she would be taking another of her service dogs to his new owner today. She was always happy when she could see, all her work had paid off and she could help a man make his life easier. Daniel listened to her words, but his thoughts drifted again and again. For a while his companion looked over the fact that he was not there but lost in thought. But finally, she looked at him worried and decided to say something.

"Daniel, is everything all right with you?" She asked, watching as he pounded the poor salad that sat in front of him.

The linguist looked up in alarm, confessing to her that he was indeed in a very different place with his thoughts. In a few words, he tried to explain to her what was so much of a concern to him. The young woman seemed to be the only one to understand his worries. Kathleen sat there and just listened to him, holding his hand all the time, trying to calm him. Daniel felt for the first time that day that finally he was understood by someone.


	25. Chapter 25

When Janet entered her home that evening after work, the most pleasant smell met her at the door. Sam stood in the kitchen and sliced vegetables, while in the frying pan on the stove, meat was simmering very slowly. The surprised doctor greeted her best friend, snatched a piece of green pepper, and pounced on one of the kitchen chairs.

"Jack and I thought we could make you happy if I cooked something for dinner tonight, as a small compensation for all that you have done. I know it's not much, but I wanted to make myself at least useful."

"It was a nice idea and you don’t know how relieved I am that you are cooking. I could fall asleep I am so tired. How is our patient? Is he feeling any better?" She asked, pushing the piece of pepper into her mouth. "I'll go check on him, if I ever get my tired butt off this chair again." She groaned and brushed her eyes, looked completely exhausted.

"Uh, he's in the garden." Sam stammered.

She knew Janet would freak out the minute the words left her mouth. The doctor looked at her friend with big eyes and swallowed almost all her snack at once.

“Beg your pardon? Did I misunderstand you?! What is he doing in the garden? I had told him to stay in bed until I came home. I just cannot believe him." she almost cried. "He's done it…. again, he's ignoring my instructions, again. Oh this…… guy." She cursed loudly.

The doctor looked at Sam with accusing eyes.

"And you, why did you not prevent him from doing this? You knew my orders. I told you both he needed bedrest – not up doing yardwork.”

"I tried to, you must believe me, but you know how Jack is and I'm afraid he .............. Please, do not be so hard with him Janet." She asked.

“Afraid? Sam, what are you afraid of?"

The young blonde hesitated. But Janet urged her to answer.

"Sam, what are you afraid of?"

Sam could barely stop herself from bursting into tears.

"That he will change his decision and disappear."

"He has rejected his plan? You have managed to change his mind?" She said visibly relieved.

"Janet, we can't allow him to go away. Please, just don’t make him want to go away." She sobbed, panicked.

“He loves you, so he wants to stay. I'm sure he will not change his mind just because you're bothering him. Let me give you some good advice ............ do not always allow him to determine the outcome. He is not the Colonel and you are not the Major when you are together. Talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you think. I can’t believe that you allowed his behavior. How close did the situation go between the two of you last night? He already managed to wrap you around his little finger, didn’t he? "She cursed and slowly rose from her chair again.

"That's not it, Janet."

"How is it then Sam?"

"I'm just scared .................... He could do something stupid."

Sam was close to tears again.

Janet looked at her friend questioningly.

"Sam, what do you mean, I do not quite understand, if you have something to say, spit it out!"

Janet was slowly losing her patience. She knew there was something more than just endearment keeping Sam from saying what she needed to say but nothing could convince her to tell Janet what was bothering her. All Janet heard was Sam’s agitated sigh.

"I wish I could!" She whispered.

She had given Jack a promise and did not want to break it. The doctor finally gave up, she did not have patience for playing advocate today. On the way outside, she cursed to herself and almost lost her mind as she arrived to where Jack was. She could not believe what she saw. Jack O'Neill stood with his back to her in the middle of her garden and was trying to re-erect the rose trestle.

"Colonel O'Neill!" She exclaimed in her sternest tone.

Jack jerked, narrowed his eyes and cursed softly. He had hoped she would not show up until he had finished his plan.

He turned slowly and considered her face. Looking at him, she could not believe that he looked like a three-year-old who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Doc!" He said acting completely innocent.

"What do you think you're doing here?" She asked, holding her hands to her hips. "Damn Jack ............... why can’t you even obey my instructions? I am really fed up with you ........... This is not a game sir, you risk your health ........ No, your life ............. I am beginning to regret my promise to you." With every word, she became more annoyed.

"Janet please, I just wanted .........." he tried to explain, but was immediately interrupted by her.

"Save your words, you go to the house now ...... immediately ........ And do not dare ............do not say a word, I will not hear anything!"

Her tone was rough and the man could see how angry she was.

 

"I really do not believe you." She muttered to herself and pushed the hobbling man practically in front of her.

Jack did not dare disagree, he did not want to anger the woman any more than he obviously already had. He had only meant to correct the damage he had done earlier. He felt well, and he did not understand at all why Janet was making such a fuss again. He felt capable of assessing what he was and was not capable of doing. Dr. Frasier obviously thought differently and assumed she was the only one that knew Jack’s physical abilities now. She pushed the man back into the guest room and pointed to the bed. 

"Take off the shirt and lie down sir!" She hissed.

The Air Force officer saluted Janet, mockingly and did what his doctor ordered him to do. Because it was without doubt ........ an order. He waited nervously. Janet Frasier checked his blood pressure several times. After she had made sure his numbers were good, she relieved the tense man by the look on her face.

"Okay, Colonel, you can get dressed again, but I have a few questions, and I ask you for honest and serious answers, do you understood me, sir?"

"Yes Ma'am," he said softly as he buttoned his shirt.

"Headache, Dizziness, Nausea?"

"No Doc, I'm fine." He grumbled.

"Have you drunk enough liquid?"

"Yes Ma'am"

She looked at him as if questioning his response. He in turned looked back at her with a sterner glare.

"Ask Sam, she's already taken care of that."

"Well, did you eat something?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Toast." He replied, and then unable to resist a comment "You should do interrogations for the Air Force." He joked.

Her gaze was icy.

"How much of it Colonel?"

"A slice of toast." He said annoyed.

Janet asked him a lot of questions and Jack answered her conscientiously after she had to animate him here and there. When he had finally answered her last question, she sat down at his side, and looked at him, worried and serious. Then one of her speeches followed. She tried to keep her tone, though she was boiling in anger.  
Janet could not help it, in her eyes he acted as if he had nothing more to lose. In principle, it was certainly so, but as long as he was under her medical care she did not tolerate this behavior. And that was exactly what she told him. Jack saw his situation in a completely different light and tried to make his point clear. Of course, he was now no more cautious than usual, but the accusation he would intentionally endanger himself was just not true. He only wanted to live as normal as possible, not more.

“Doc, you have to understand. I cannot just sit or lay around and wait for death to take me out. I must try to live as normal as possible. I am not asking you to allow me to go out and parachute and jump off cliffs but I am asking you to allow me to live. If there is no reason for me to continue, then I might as well just lay here and quit breathing.”

Janet looked at him, laid her hand on his hand, and spoke in a low voice.

"Jack, I do not want to make your life even harder ......... but I want you to know something. Sam is sitting in the kitchen and is close to tears. She is afraid for you, that was her words. Sir, I know you would like to continue as before, but this will not work. So unfortunately, whether you like it or not, there are people who care about you and want to help you. Sam….. first of all. But you must allow it. Of course, she is not doing well, but she loves you more than anything else .......... "

"I love Sam, otherwise I would not have made the decision I made." He interrupted Janet.

"You're staying ....... Sam already told me."

"Janet ......... I'm going to retire, this time definitively, I've already spoken to General Hammond and from tomorrow it will be official."

"What about your team ...... your friends?"

"I asked Hammond for a meeting with everyone, first thing in the am. I'd like to explain to them, at least I'll try." He whispered.

"Sir, if you want, I'll help you with the conversation, your team will certainly have some questions. And Jack, I'm glad you decided to do this."

"I do not deserve your friendship." He murmured.

She smiled.

"No, you really don’t,” She joked, grinning. “But you have it always."

Janet, however, made a condition of her offer and Jack accepted this condition grumpily, he had no choice. He did it for Sam, hoping it would help her deal with the situation better. Even if it did cause the opposite effect for him.


	26. Chapter 26

Daniel and Kathleen decided to go for a walk after they had dinner. Hand in hand they strolled along a small pond and finally sat down on one of the unoccupied benches to enjoy the sunset. Kathleen waited a moment and tried to direct her conversation to the right track to learn more about the friendship between Jack and Daniel. Daniel had not enclosed to her much about his work, nor about his friends. All she knew was that he was working for the Air Force but not what he was doing for the Air Force. He made it seem as if it were a huge secret, always saying he could not tell her anything about it.   
Still, she tried again and again and took the opportunity, when he was so worried about his friend to try to gain information. Kathleen was about to ask one of the questions that was troubling her when Daniel's cell phone begin to ring. A look at the display told him the call came from the SGC. He accepted the conversation immediately, hoping for news. At this point he would take any news.  
Daniel talked to the caller for a while, and Kathleen could see that the call seemed to be important to the archaeologist. After Daniel had finished the conversation, he looked over at his girlfriend, surprise shining in his eyes and grinning from ear to ear.

"My boss has called for a meeting tomorrow, and Jack will be there too." It almost burst out of the archaeologist.

"You see, it'll all clear up. You've been worried about your friend for no need." She smiled at him.

"Maybe you are right." He said optimistically.

Daniel was visibly relieved, and his mood improved greatly. He even became silly. Sensing his mood had lightened up, she had a question she had been dying to ask him. It had been burning a hole in her brain for quite some time. She gathered all of her courage, looked at her lover, and asked straightly:

"Daniel, may I ask you something, if you do not want to talk about it, I understand that, but I want to know as much as possible about you, to get to know you even better."

"What do you want to know?" Daniel asked, looking a little nervous. He could not tell her anything about his job and she knew this so he hoped it was not another question about that.

"The photo in your apartment, who is she? She looks as if she means a lot to you.”

Daniel was taken aback for a second. The archaeologist had not expected this question, of all things to ask.

"Sha're?" He asked, surprised. "Sha're was my wife." He said with a small, sad, smile.

"You were married?"

Kathleen was visibly surprised and speechless for a moment.

"What happened to her?" She asked.

"She died .......... was killed right before my eyes." Daniel's voice was suddenly very quiet and sad.

"Oh, Daniel ........ I am infinitely sorry, I did not want ........." she said apologetically and grabbed his hand.

"No, it's all right. I should have told you about her."

"You certainly loved her very much."

"Yes, I have to admit, our relationship was totally different from all the other women I had known before. It was so real, innocent, and fascinating in its own way, I immediately had that feeling of love with her, and that is exactly what I feel now. Again ...... with you! "

Kathleen was really touched by his words. She approached cautiously with her lips to his lips and kissed him. Daniel tenderly kissed her and almost lost himself in her azure-blue eyes. He was really happy for the first time in many years.

 

 

A few miles away, Jack was still sitting on the guest bed, finding it hard to listen carefully to what Janet was trying to explain. He was petrified. He had not thought about it all this time. But suddenly he did question why no one had discovered the tumor before. He suddenly felt so stupid. He had not thought about it the why or how of the problem. Instead he became obsessed with his plan to get away from here as quickly as possible, from his friends and all that knew him. He was also panicked to have to end his life just like his grandfather. The man could hardly think of anything else since the diagnosis, the awful memory weighing heavily on his mind.  
Suddenly he stood up, seemed to be quite calm and composed, but the impression he gave was deceiving. Infinite rage rose in him. He went to the small chest of drawers, held his hands on the edge, and stared as if paralyzed in the mirror, which hung over the dresser. Janet tried to communicate with him, but he did not react at all, still staring at the mirror. The doctor wondered if it was really right to confront him with her findings. But she had wanted to know if he was too busy with too many other things to ask himself or whether he was not interested. Now she had the answer.  
Jack burned inside. His rage grew bigger until he could no longer control it. Suddenly the officer shouted so loudly that Janet jumped. He was beating the chest of drawers with his legs and with his bare fist he repeatedly struck his own reflection in the mirror. At that moment, he seemed to see nothing at all, and obviously felt no pain in his boundless rage. Blood ran down his hand. Janet finally started towards him when he slowly calmed down and finally sank into his knees on the spot. She knew that if she entered into his space before he had calmed down, it would have been very dangerous to her. She was more than frightened, afraid of him for a moment, something she had never been before. After watching him for a minute, she went over to him and knelt beside him. He just sat there, said nothing, suddenly looking pale to her, his hands shaking slightly, otherwise he did not move.

“Sir, your hand, you are bleeding, let me see it, please?" She cautiously addressed him.

Slowly she reached for his hand.  
Jack looked shocked at all the blood on his hand and then he turned to Janet. Only now did he feel his painful hand. The doctor threw a quick examining look at his injuries. The man did not grimace while she scrutinized his hand. Suddenly he looked seriously at Janet and said softly,

"Maybe this is what I deserve."

He sounded hard, hard to himself. His eyes were cold and empty. Janet looked at him. She was shocked that he would say such a thing and shook her head at him. Immediately tears shot in her eyes and she had to work hard to avoid crying.

"No Jack, you do not deserve it. And no one has the right to do it to you, I swear to you Colonel, I will find the culprit and send him to his just punishment."

Her voice sounded as determined as never before. Janet Frasier had rarely seen Jack O'Neill looking this pitiful. She would love to grab him and pull him into a tight embrace. But she was not sure how he would react. She hated this proud man to be so devastated. He just did not deserve that, he was one of the most unselfish people she knew. He would never harm anyone. She needed another moment to control her emerging emotions, did not want to show him how close her tears really were.  
Jack's gaze was fixed on his wretched hand. Janet was increasingly worried about his mental condition. The realization that someone had intentionally condemned him to death was understandably a shock to him. She suddenly reproached herself, perhaps it was not the right time and she should have waited. Confused, she looked at him and watched the officer for a while.

“Jack, I'll be right back." She whispered when she was sure she could take him out of her eyes for a moment, rose and went into the bathroom.

There, she clung to the sink, and just stood there as if petrified. She could barely suppress her tears. But she had to be strong. After all, that was what her friend needed in his situation. He needed people to whom he trusted and which gave him an anchor to hold onto in this hard time.  
She rummaged in the small mirror cabinet above the sink and searched for a few items from the first aid kit. When she came back to him, he was still there, as before. He seemed to be mentally in another world. Jack did not register at first that Janet was at his side again and was terrified when she touched him easily. She apologized softly to him and began to clean his wounds carefully. Fortunately for Jack and Janet, the cuts were not too deep. She breathed a sigh of relief, the last thing she needed was to have to take him to the hospital.

The adrenaline in his body had subsided. He shook a few times during his treatment, but gave no sound. When she put on a bandage, she looked at him anxiously. He had not spoken at all. His face was marked by pain and it was not just about physical pain, she guessed. Janet gave him a painkiller and could practically see through his facial features how the cure unfolded its effect. 

"You were lucky, my friend." Said Janet, saying it could have ended much worse for him.

Good Luck? He laughed inwardly. Good Luck was not the word he would use. He rubbed his face with his uninjured hand.

"Sir, can you get up by yourself with my help?" She asked softly, looking at him.

"I'll try it, before you call Teal'c again!" He groaned.

Janet rose, held out a helping hand, drew him slowly to his feet, and accompanied him back to the bed

After adjusting him and making him as comfortable as possible, Janet again told Jack that she would she take him immediately to the hospital, trying to explain why it would be better not to wait any longer. His reaction was, as expected, strict refusal. She noticed how this unexplained panic in him came up again and tried to find out where that came from. When she spoke directly to him, he suddenly stopped, looked at her with his tired, bloodshot eyes, and whispered,

"I can’t .......... Please Janet, I can’t ....... Do not force me.” Sitting up, Jack yelled for Sam. “Sam ...... Where is Sam?" He cried suddenly, looking around completely panicked.

He obviously expected support from her.

"You promised me." He stammered desperately when he realized Sam was not here to help him. His eyes moist from unshed tears. He was ashamed of his uncontrolled emotions and tried to cover his face with his hands. Janet put her hand soothingly on his shoulder.

"Jack?"

She became more worried and did not know what to do. As she looked at him, she could not break his heart by breaking her promise, even though she knew it was wrong. But she also knew that she had to figure out what made the man so frightened.  
She gave into his will again, but made some conditions.

"Come sir, lie down."

Jack felt nothing but this endless fatigue. The events of the past few days had exhausted him more than he wanted to admit. He was just tired, deadly tired. He was also longing for sleep, proper, restful sleep, but that had not been granted to him for weeks. He was even grateful to Janet when she gave him a sedative. She helped the man get situated again and gave him the injection. He just laid there without a word. Janet knew this was unusual for him and it showed her only one thing, he could not cope alone with his situation. He needed support, and was slowly starting to take it. And even though his quietness worried her, she was glad that there had been no discussion about her prescriptions, and watched as the effect of the sedative began slowly to take effect. He calmed down, and his eyes grew smaller and smaller until he slept.

Now Janet had to go have a serious word with Sam. She could not get rid of the feeling that Sam knew more than she wanted to give to out.


	27. Chapter 27

Sam was already sitting at the kitchen table as Janet entered the room and she was unaware of just how emotional things had happened in Jack’s room. Samantha Carter stared at her friend, seeing the worry and agitation and even the hurt that was written all over her face. Something was wrong, which immediately led her heart to beat faster. She tried to get answers from the visibly shattering woman, but Janet sat silently with her at the table, her hands held over her face. Sam was becoming more restless with every second, wanting to know immediately what had happened.  
Finally panic and fear came over her and she was painting the terrible things in her head that could have happened to Jack. After a seemingly enduring moment, Janet took her hands off her face and stared at Sam without a word. Sam urged Janet to tell her what had happened. The doctor began to speak, became annoyed with each sentence until she finally lost control of herself and unrestrainedly cried. Sam was at her side, close to tears. Weeping before Sam, was the last thing Janet had wanted to do, but she was so at the end of her wits and just angry. Angry at herself. Why had she told him?  
The tightness in her chest would not let up. She had to stand up, the whole situation overwhelmed her. Jack was not only her patient, he was also a part family for her and her daughter, which made the whole situation even more difficult. As soon as she had calmed down, she looked at her best friend and apologized for her emotional outburst. Sam did not know where to go with her feelings, she was so concerned about the man she loved, and with Janet already losing her composure .... Sam burst into tears, wanting for nothing more than to be with him. But Janet held her back, assured her that he was doing well under the circumstances at the moment. Sam was not satisfied with this answer, wanting to know what Janet meant by that statement. Her friend noticed her dissatisfaction and tried to explain through her own frustration.

"Sam, what do you expect from me? Of course, he is not well," 

Janet said the words, but she was not finished. She was tired of shouldering it all on her own. Sam wanted to know then she would tell her but she better be willing to talk when Janet was through.

"I am very concerned, not only about his physical condition, but also about his psychological condition. The panic attacks, that is the only name I can come up with, which he is consumed by at the mere mention of the word "hospital", has me worried enough. But his reaction to the realization that someone has practically taken his life, is almost too much to see him go through.”

Janet took a deep breath here and then looked at Sam

“But he has to go through it and he can’t do it without support. But he must face it himself. We can only provide support. Sam, I know you love him more than anyone else in the world and that is why I appeal to your understanding of people ...... if you know something that can help us help him, you have to tell me. Did he tell you something? You want to help him, do not you? "

Sam looked at Janet as if she were crazy. What kind of question was that? of course, she wanted to help him, she would do anything if she could help him out of this. Nevertheless, the young scientist hesitated. She had given her word to Jack not to say a word about what he had entrusted to her. On the other hand, Jack's life was at stake, which Janet also made clear to her again. She was torn into. Janet looked at her seriously, realizing at that moment that Sam did know more. Janet was tired of playing cat and mouse and demanded Sam tell her what she knew.  
Finally, the blond woman gave in and gradually came out with all the details she knew. Nervously, she played with her hands the whole time, feeling like she was betraying not only her friend but the man she loved. She told Janet every little detail she could remember of what Jack had to experience as a child. Sam was also now, at the point where as she tried to explain everything still hurt and mad at what he had to go through as a child. Tears sprang to her eyes uncontrollably. Janet Frasier was no less dismayed than Sam was when Jack told her his story. Now the doctor realized where his fears came from.  
However, Janet that Sam had more on her heart and encouraged her to trust. As tears ran down her cheeks, Janet took her tightly in her arms and tried to comfort her as best as she could. Sam was sobbing as she spoke, and Janet had trouble understanding her friend at first. She gave her a few minutes to calm down and then she tried again to elicit the information from her. Whatever it was, the young scientist seemed to be very upset about it.

"I'm afraid! Janet, I'm afraid he would do it."

"Sam, I do not quite understand what you mean. You are afraid of what? That he will pack up and go to Minnesota? It will not happen."

"No, you do not understand, he wanted to leave as quickly as possible from all of us, without saying goodbye. Why do you think he didn't want to know about possible places that offered therapies?" 

After a deep breath and a long wait, Sam finished what she had been trying to say.

“............. he did not want to spend his remaining time there, he wanted to end his life, that was his plan."

Her voice grew quieter and more incomprehensible. In the end, she burst into tears again. Janet shook her head in horror. She could not believe what Sam had just said, surely she had misunderstood her. The more the doctor thought about it, the clearer the connections became. Why had she not seen it, now that it seemed so obvious to her? She degraded herself that she had not recognized the signs and felt at that moment, as the most incapable person in her whole profession.  
She thought for a while and made a decision. The only thing she could do was provide the man with competent help and had a very specific person in mind. Janet had a colleague in the hospital, a young psychologist specializing in psychology. She was exactly the person who could give him the professional help he needed. This type of therapy was intended not only for the patients themselves, but was also offered to the relatives. She hoped secretly, she could win Sam for it, and ultimately Jack.  
However, she knew now that moving the stubborn man to a therapy would be difficult. Because if Jack O'Neill hated one thing, it was psychologists and psychiatrists. The man did not want to know anything about this profession. Even after escaping from Baal's fortress, he refused to work vehemently with Doctor McKenzie. Janet thought about it for a while, was so deep in thought, in fact, that when she suddenly felt Sam's hand on her arm, she looked up frightened and said softly,

"I would not have told him if I had known it all. My God Sam, how much can a single person cope with before he finally breaks? "

"I do not know Janet." Sam whispered.

Sam had already asked herself a dozen times how Jack could handle all the terrible experiences of his past. She guessed he had buried most of it deep in his memory and was sure he had never really talked to anyone about any of the events. Maybe that was why he kept such a humorous nature, he felt if he became serious – he would mentally break.  
When Janet offered her the idea of psychotherapy, she was more than skeptical. She also knew that Jack would certainly not let himself be dragged into it. But she found the idea good, especially the consideration of a joint therapy and she would do everything she could to get Jack to try it. Janet and Sam thought about how they could make him at least listen to an idea about choosing therapy. They could not force him to do so, and the two women were aware of this.  
Her conversation ended abruptly as Cassandra stormed into the kitchen. Neither of them had even realized when the girl had come home. Cassandra should have been at her girlfriends to spend the night there. Perplexed, Janet asked why she was not there, as agreed with Julia earlier. Cassie confessed to her mother that she had quarreled with her best friend and had come home. Her mother just hoped it was true. Cassie was not always as honest in her sixteen years as Janet wished. But now, she was not exactly an example in this regard. For one thing, she had concealed from Cassie why Jack O'Neill was really living with them. He was, like a big brother for the child, sometimes even almost a substitute. She could not tell Cassie the truth, not yet. It would throw her daughter completely for a loop, the doctor felt this for sure.  
But Cassandra was more attentive than her mother had thought. She had realized at once that something was wrong. It was the second time that day Sam and her mother were talking to each other and suddenly fell silent after she entered the room. And both women had cried, so much that the teenager could see the streaks of tears on their faces. Secretly, she was very annoyed at the behavior of the two, after all Janet Frazier had brought her up to believe that she could tell her mother anything and to be honest and she expected the same treatment from the adults. The false happiness made her even more annoyed and Cassie let her mother feel it clearly. She gave the two women either foolish answers or said nothing at all. After the three sat for a while at the table and Janet and Sam talked about things that did not really matter at dinner, Cassandra finally broke.

"Do you think I'm stupid?”

Looking at both women, she started talking again before either could respond.

“I'm not a child anymore. I realize that something is wrong here. Mom, you always ask me to be honest with you. Then you're have to be honest with me too. Bloody hell! You stop talking when I enter the room and you act like it is a burden that I am here, like I am disturbing you two! What are you hiding from me?" She cried, clearly annoyed.

The young girl demanded an answer from her mother. Janet Frasier had not expected such a reaction. She was at first completely confused and somehow impressed by the courage of her daughter. Normally she would not allow her such a tone. Sam poked embarrassedly in her vegetable. She preferred to free herself from this conversation. Janet put her fork aside and moved her chair near her daughter.

"I must apologize, you are right. I always preach to you about honesty, and I am not honest with you, but there are things that should be between us adults."

"I'm old enough to know when something is not right. You think you are so well at hiding but that is not true. I heard you last night!”

Janet had not expected that.

"What did you hear?"

"Sam and you talking. It was about Jack, was it not? And I saw Teal'c when I was standing at the window, why was he here in the middle of the night?"

"Oh Cassie, I did not know you saw that, I'm sorry, I do not want you to worry."

"Mom, please ........... when it comes to Jack I want to know, I love him, too."

Janet looked at her daughter, her own eyes wet with new tears. Then she summand all of her courage and finally told Cassandra about Jack's fate, albeit reluctantly. Cassie was shaken. She knew what the diagnosis could mean. Just one thing - cancer.

"But you can help him, can you not, Mom? There are treatments, cancer is curable." She asked anxiously

Her voice did not betray Janet, the girl was panicky afraid of her answer. She looked Cassandra deeply in the eyes. The child looked imploringly at her mother, but she recognized Janet's expression. Tears rolled down their cheeks, and she began to tremble.

"It's not that easy," she said, "the cancer is very advanced, and healing is no longer possible." She whispered, holding her child's hands firmly in hers.

"No, no ......... Jack can’t ........ no, he will not ........... No !!!!!!"

Cassie jumped up, screaming.

Her mother was directly behind her, took her into a tight hug, and tried to take away the child’s infinite pain with love and encouragement, while Sam looking on could barely contain her own sobs.


	28. Chapter 28

An hour later Janet Frasier lay on her bed, close to her daughter. It had been a few years since Cassie had been with her in the same bed. Janet looked at her child and could barely suppress her own tears. It was unbearable for her to see her "little" girl like that. The realization that Jack was sick and there was no hope or help for him, had led to a breakdown in the child as expected. Janet lay for a while just beside Cassie, stroking her hair, tried to comfort her somehow. Cassie would scream again and again, seeming that nothing would calm her down.   
When, after some time, no improvement came, the doctor decided to give the desperate child something to help her sleep. Cassandra was completely exhausted, and her mother was about to give her the tranquilizer when Cassie looked at her with her tearful eyes and sobbed: 

"Mom, why didn’t anyone help him, why didn’t you help him before it was too late?" 

There was a real stab in Janet's heart. Even her daughter could count one and one. Janet looked at her lovingly as she gave her the injection. 

"We'll talk about that tomorrow's darling, now you'll sleep." 

She whispered, brushing her hair from her forehead before giving her a soft kiss. Cassie's eyes slowly slid shut. Janet’s soul hurt to see her child suffer so much and finally cried herself to sleep. 

 

Sam was deep in thought. The image of Cassie’s collapse would not leave her. She was so helpless when Cassandra had understood the full extent of Jack's fate. She felt useless, just sitting there and could do nothing. Cassie did not even want to let her mother take care of her, she had stood there screaming desperately that it could not be true.   
Sam felt completely out of place at some point, leaving the two alone. She had to get out, get away from it all, at least for a moment. She walked around the garden, no purpose in mind. Hoping the fresh air would do her some good, she took a few deep breaths. Finally, she sat down in the damp grass, unaware of how long but just trying to calm herself. It was gorgeously quiet out here. Sam knew she could not go to Jack like this. She was hoping that he slept deeply and firmly, not aware of the outburst that had taken place in the house.  
Samantha remembered that Janet had assumed that Jack would not wake up until tomorrow morning. She wondered what he was going to say when he heard that she had broken her word and told Janet everything he had entrusted to her. She had to admit that she was already afraid of his reaction. But she knew deep inside, it was right. A while later, she felt much better and decided to try to get some sleep at last. 

The house had become strangely quiet now, and the young woman wondered what Cassandra and Janet had done. She slipped quietly to her bed. He seemed to sleep deeply, snored softly to himself. She wanted to cuddle very close to the man, as she longed so much for his closeness. But she was too much afraid to wake him and rob him of much needed sleep. Finally, not to disturb him by any means, she lay on the edge of the mattress on her side and tried to fall asleep. Restlessly, she rolled back and forth, drifting nevertheless into a restless sleep. 

Jack’s eyes shone in the dark when he awoke. At first, he was initially disorientated, taken a moment to realize where he was. The moon shone through the small window directly on the bed. A low moan escaped him, caused by piercing pain in his hand. Only then did he notice what had aroused him. Sam.   
She lay beside him, tossing to and fro, and groaned softly in her sleep. Jack moved closer to her and woke her as gently he could. Sam was really frightened, shrugged. Jack pressed her tense body to his and held her lovingly in his arm. He ignored his painful hand. 

"A bad dream?" 

He whispered softly, his voice sounded sleepy. His lips were close to her ear. She could feel his breath clearly. Sam whimpered, her heart pounding hard in her chest. It took a few seconds to get back to reality. 

"Sorry, I did not want to wake you up." She whispered. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked cautiously. 

She snuggled tightly against him and enjoyed the warmth of his body. 

"I am fine." She whispered. 

He could see her face clearly enough in the moonlight, to recognize, she lied to him. 

"You're a bad liar." He said firmly and kissed her on the nasal tip. 

"That coming from you!" She countered. "Would you like to talk? Janet told you what she found out?" 

"There's nothing to talk about!" He murmured. 

His voice sounded repulsive and cold. Sam knew him well enough to know that with that reaction, you should leave it at that. Jack moaned briefly, his injured hand again sending unpleasant cramps. He tried to get relief by waving his hand. He laid the injured hand over his tired eyes. A hearty yawn escaped. Sam looked at him worried. 

"You should try to sleep again." She said in a loving tone and laid her head lightly on his chest.

His heartbeat seemed so soothing to her, she could listen to it for all eternity. Gently and with much dedication she stroked his breast hair. He enjoyed their touches, yawned again and again, and was gradually drifting to sleep. It was not long before Sam heard his soft snore. She was glad he could go back to sleep.

 

The officer was awakened again as a dawn approached. An unpleasant feeling in his stomach gave him no more rest. He already knew this and rose from the bed. In recent weeks, he had been aroused by this slight nausea. He hated it, could hardly bear the constant vomiting. He was on his way to the bathroom to get relief when he suddenly had double images in front of him and lost all orientation for a moment. Violent dizziness came over him.   
Just in time, he found hold on the door frame, clinging to the wood and instinctively pinching his eyes tightly shut. Because he gripped the door frame so tightly with both hands, the injuries of his right hand burned like fire. He waited a moment before he attempted to open his eyes and the nausea intensified as he did so. His vision was still blurry, barely allowing him to see. He leaned his forehead against the frame of the door, closed his eyes, and again waited. He had to fight strongly against the emerging nausea, tried to breathe slowly and deeply. So, he stood for a few minutes until he felt better.  
Slowly, he opened his eyes again, happily finding that his vision was restored. Just in time he reached the bathroom. When he came back, Sam lay on the side and looked at him almost compassionately. His trip to the bathroom had not escaped the young woman. 

"Are you feeling better?" She asked worried. 

"Get used to it, morning sickness ........ as if I were pregnant." He joked, crawling cautiously back to bed. 

She noticed he was eerily pale as he closed his eyes and moaned briefly. Sam leaned over him, gently stroking his cheek. He moaned again. 

"Should not I get Janet?" 

"No, it's all over again.” 

Why couldn’t she just believe him? Jack's eyes were tightly closed as he thought this, deep wrinkles on his forehead. 

"Can I help you?" 

Nobody can help me he thought. All he wanted was just a moment for himself alone, he simply did not feel like talking. But he loved this woman so much, and did not want to upset her. Finally, Jack opened his dark eyes and tried to smile. 

"Water, would be really great." He whispered. 

She stroked him lovingly over his cheek. His skin was clammy and cold. He brought forth another moan, could not stand the touch at the moment. Even her soft hand felt like a hundred-pound weight on his exhausted body.

"Okay, I'll be right back." She whispered and gently kissed his forehead. 

He took a deep breath, turned to the side and tried to find a suitable position to help ease his pain and help him relax. 

 

Meanwhile, Samantha was working quietly in the kitchen so she would not wake anyone. But when she was about to put the tea kettle on, her friend suddenly stood in the doorway. Janet rubbed her eyes sleepily. 

"I'd rather have a coffee." She said, looking at the clock. 

"Janet" Sam noticed surprised. "I've woken you up, I'm really sorry, I just wanted to put on tea, and Jack is sick again." 

"How bad is it Sam?" She asked immediately. 

"I do not know, not as bad as last night, by no means. You know him, he prefers suffering quietly to himself." Janet could feel Sam's anxiety. 

She stroked her tousled hair, tightened the belt of her bathrobe, and rummaged in one of the cabinets. Finally, she took out a pack of dry cookies and threw them at Sam. She was completely surprised and could just catch the parcel. 

"Brain food." She grinned and sat down at the table. 

"Good idea." Sam replied, and she opened the pack. 

Both sat together for a moment and enjoyed the chocolate biscuits until Sam broke through the silence. 

"How is Cassie?" The blonde suddenly asked. 

"Not so good." Janet whispered.

Tears gathered in her eyes as she thought of the past evening and what Cassie had been like.

"I had to give her something to calm her down, so she could sleep, I honestly do not know what to do. In her present condition, I cannot send her to school and I do not want to leave her alone. But I promised Jack I would be there to help him talk to Daniel and Teal'c. Then the Colonel and I have an appointment at the hospital." 

"I can stay with Cassie, since I already know the situation with Jack and Cassie, and if you tell the General about what happened yesterday, he'll understand why I am not there." 

Janet nodded gratefully, wiped the tears from her eyes and rose from the chair. 

"Then I shall see to our patient."

 

 

When the two women entered the small room, the officer moaned to himself. Janet approached her patient carefully and put her bag next to him on the bed. 

"Colonel?" She said softly to him. 

He grumbled incomprehensibly to himself. Why did not they just leave him alone? He was not looking for company, why did not anyone understand? He turned heavily on his back, opened his eyes a little and muttered: 

"What?" He asked, not really caring how sharp his tone was.

The doctor did not let herself be bothered by his sharp manner, and opened her doctor's satchel. 

"I want to check your vital signs, Sir." 

He moaned loudly, letting the doctor know he was not at all in agreement with her doing this. The thought of the tight pressure of the cuff was enough to make him want to jerk away from her. Janet, on the other hand, would not allow him to belittle her. She took his wrist, and began without hesitation with her work. As she took his blood pressure, she realized immediately, he had to fight against a wave of nausea. Cold sweat stood on his forehead. His blood pressure and pulse were not worrying, at least that was good news, he thought to himself. 

"Jack, I can prescribe something to help fight the nausea. You do not have to suffer."

With these words, she took no package from her pocket. The man opened his eyes and noticed the package she held. What would he give to get rid of this stupid nausea once and for all? he thought to himself. 

"The medicine will help with the nausea and vomiting, it will not stop it completely. It cannot fight the cause, but gives you relief. You can always take it as soon as you notice the nausea. There is, however, a trifle problem ........... " 

He looked at her questioningly. She held the drug in his view. 

"A suppository! No, never, are there no drops?" His face spoke volumes. 

"I'm sorry, Colonel, there is not. If you take the medication orally and vomit, it would not have time to work in your system. This is the best effect, believe me." She said gravely, waving the pack. 

"I'd rather suffer." He grumbled, and at once regretted having said this when a new wave of nausea came upon him. 

"Jack don't be silly!" Sam scolded when she saw him turning paler. 

The man considered briefly, sat up carefully and then practically ripped the medicine from the doctor's hand. Falteringly, he went into the bathroom. 

"Ah, um ... ..and Colonel, if you have any problems with the application, I'll be happy to help you." Janet shouted after him, while she slipped her rubber gloves deliberately. 

His gaze was invaluable.


	29. Chapter 29

When Janet Frasier reached the Air Force base with Jack O'Neill, the officer seemed calm and balanced. But she knew how quick that could change with his head hurting. Janet watched Jack, wanting to make sure he really was ready for this meeting. 

"Ready sir?" 

The officer nodded and took his way to Cheyenne Mountain. 

It was a difficult decision for the man. Today would mark the end of his military career. And although he wanted to deny it, he was nervous. He never planned on his desire for retirement being allowed due to him dying. Wistfully he stepped into the elevator and rode along with Janet into the depth of the mountain. So, this was his last official meeting with his team. He could not help but wish that Sam could be by his side.  
Jack bounced uneasily from one foot to the other, his nerves finally showing. Janet reached for his upper arm to assure him that she was present to help him through this hard situation. When the two officers entered the meeting room, the rest of his team and the general were already sitting at the large table, waiting. Jack hesitated, he seemed glued to one spot and clung to the railing, as if looking for help. Janet tugged on his arm, gently encouraging him until he moved slowly to his friends. It felt as if his heart was beating twice as fast as usual. He was trying desperately to calm himself when Daniel immediately jumped up and grabbed his friend. The officer became even more tense and before realizing it, acted very strongly towards being confined in one area.   
Jack was trying desperately to pull away from Daniel and Janet noticed immediately. The whole situation seemed to overwhelm her patient and she too begin to pull Daniel away from Jack. Because of his emotions going crazy, his head begin to ache worse than ever before. He cursed inside, praying that he would not vomit or worse yet, loose consciousness in front of his teammates.   
General Hammond, seeing what the rapid advance on him had caused Jack to do, called out to Daniel, who moved back and sit down. Thankfully this gave the Airforce officer the chance to breathe and get used to the situation. Although Daniel Jackson had taken his seat – he and the Jaffa did not let their friend out of their sight. Jack felt himself being watched by them. He was the time of man that could not stand to be watched, or stared at and it soon begin to grate on his nerves. Finally, General Hammond stood up and taking the floor, said a few preliminary things before handing the conversation over to the Colonel.

Jack needed a few minutes to find the right words. He had literally put all his words together before coming to this meeting, and now, when it was important, he could not remember a single sentence. The intensifying headaches did not make it any easier for him. As he stammered through a few sentences, he searched nervously in his trouser pocket and finally finding what he was searching for pulled out the bottle with his tablets. He tried to catch one of the pills but his fingers did not want to obey him. When he finally steadied his hand long enough to pop the pill into his mouth, he picked up the cup of water to swallow the pill. Everyone watched him anxiously. His hands trembled so much that he spilled some of the water. 

"Colonel, are you okay? Shall we move the meeting to another time? "His boss asked anxiously. 

Janet Frasier, who had been scrolling through her papers during this time and had not notice what had happened with Jack and the pills, looked up in surprise. The officer gave her a signal that he was okay and wanted to go through with the meeting. He began again from the beginning with his well-rehearsed speech. Time after time, Jack would rub his head, looking more tense, trying to make his case as intelligible as he could.   
Jack explained to his team that his intention for holding the meeting was his retirement. When he brought up the reason, his voice suddenly changed. He noticed how uncertain he spoke and left the rest to Dr. Frasier. As Janet spoke, Jack began to feel nauseated again, his stomach hardly containing the turmoil inside. Jack knew he was going to be sick and suddenly he could no longer stay in his chair. Concentration was never one of his strengths, but lately it seemed his concentration was gone to the point where even the mere thought of concentrating bothered him. He stood up, held his head between his two hands, and looked as if he were wanting to run from the room. Janet watched him for a moment and thought it advisable to free him from the seemingly very stressful situation.

"Sir, you can go to the infirmary, I'll come as soon as I can, Nurse Price will know what to do and will take care of you." 

Jack was so thankful to Janet that he was almost running from the room. As he reached the door, he turned around and looked back at his friends. They stared at him expectantly, as if the man wanted to say something. But he turned his back on them and went without a word. Finally, finding a place far enough away to be sure he was unobserved, he leaned against the cold concrete wall of the base and buried his face in his trembling hands.   
Jack knew he had never imagined his departure to go this way. He could not help but hope that Teal’c and Daniel knew that. He would never have walked out like that if his head had been right. In his mind, the situation had been completely different. He had known what he was going to say, and everything was going to go just like he had planned, but as Jack found out – that had been far from the truth. Groaning, he dragged himself to the elevator. 

 

The medical details were quite comprehensive. The doctor tried to explain everything as simply as possible, but all she saw were confused faces after she had reported the most important details. Teal'c had already encountered some of the illness that the Doctor described, after seeing O'Neill in Doctor Frasier’s house the night before, but not all of it. However, for Daniel, it was a shock. He was not able to speak for quite a few minutes. After arranging his thoughts, the young archaeologist asked the question that shocked everyone present. The doctor had already expected this and told them about her theory. 

“As I've already told the general, I'm sure it was pure manipulation. However, the cancer has gone undetected for a while, and we're talking about manipulation on a grand scale. Several people must be involved, not only here on the base but also in the labs that processes our samples. I've been doing some research to try to find the guilty party, and I will not rest until I have them where I need them to receive punishments.” 

“So, what you are saying is that they have intentionally hushed up your results. But why, who would be doing something so terrible? If I understand correctly, the tumor is already very advanced. How long would you say this has been covered up? " 

"I can’t say with certainty Daniel; the symptoms often develop late in the case of tumor diseases. The Colonel had been suffering from increased headaches for a while, so he started coming to me, but all the test results I submitted returned normal, every one of them. To reach the extent that Colonel O’Neill’s is at, it had to be there for quite some time.

"And not the first one of us noticed anything, his friends and we see nothing strange going on." Daniel shook his head indignantly. 

"Do not blame yourself, Dr. Jackson, what would you have noticed? Even I did not notice anything."

Janet tried to sooth the man, she knew how bad he was hurting for his friend. After all, she was hurting too. Daniel sat and thought about what she had told them ..........

“He seems so changed now." He murmured suddenly. 

"He has changed, Daniel. Such a diagnosis changes a person, and sadly changes in personality are also part of the disease." 

"And you can do nothing more for him?" He asked, bewildered. 

“I'll try to convince him that to have the biopsy, which actually confirms the diagnosis, but the recordings of the brain leave little hope, so far. He has rejected all the therapies from the beginning of this and was completely in shock. Because of that, the diagnosis took forever to process. At least he has now happily allowed me to examine him thoroughly here. Everything else is up to him. Forcing him to go to therapy is out of the question. We will not do it!!”   
J  
anet took a much-needed breath to not only gather her thoughts but to give the gentlemen in the room a chance to digest what she had said. She knew this was hard on them. But the hardest part was still coming. 

“Radiotherapy and chemotherapy would be an option. It could slow the growth of the tumor. He would gain time but would be severely restricted in his way of life. He has stated that he will not live that way." 

"And he knows it was manipulation, how did he react to it?" Daniel wanted to know. 

“How do you think he reacted, Daniel? It threw him for a loop. But what he needs now are friends who give him support, but do not push him to anything he does not want to do." She stressed.

"Does anyone else know of his diagnosis? I mean here in the SGC?" 

"Of course not!" Replied Janet. 

"If anyone else knew, it would impossible to lure the responsible persons into a trap." Came the archaeologist, answering his own question. 

The general, who had sat quietly during the conversation, finally spoke.

"If Dr. Frasier wants to examine Jack from head to toe, then it is possible to do everything as usual and see what is going on in the examinations. If the results from the testing come back as negative, nothing wrong, as before, we will know then that the person responsible for the false testing was here today, and once a guilty part has been found, the rest can also be found." 

"That idea is not bad, General but I have a better one. I mark a planned examination date for Colonel O'Neill, quite officially and visibly for all my employees, to see. Then we can be sure that the culprits are here on that date. That way they have to do the work of trying to make sure what they have been doing so far is still not discovered.”

"I wonder how they did it anyway with all the examinations Jack had ............" Daniel said loudly.

"Well, the Colonel, like you, Teal’c and Sam only had check-ups before and after the missions at the hospital and they are usually ......." 

"Planned ....... I understand." 

Teal'c followed the whole conversation without a word, until even the taciturn Jaffa, could no longer suppress his emotions. Hitting the table with a clenched fist, and focusing on Janet with a desperate rather than an angry look. 

"Why do we still sit here?" 

Both the doctor and the general looked at him, frightened out of their oppressed world of thought.

"We need to do everything we NOW to find the guilty party, we cannot leave O'Neill alone in his last fight," Teal'c seemed to be trembling with concern for his best friend. "He deserves to know who did this to him. That much we owe him." 

"Teal'c is right, we should not waste any more time, Jack needs our support." Daniel agreed. 

"If I thought for one moment that some of my closest collogues did this .......... my patients should be able to trust them ................ I should be able to rely entirely on my people." 

Janet again got that lousy feeling in her stomach as she rose from her chair. How could she be so deceived in the people that surrounded her on a daily basis? People that worked side-by-side of her.

"In every human being that you know, there is a human being who you do not know." Said the Jaffa. 

Teal'c had the talent Janet always admired and it always astonished her at the same time. There was a lot of truth in that little sentence, and it was his way of telling her that she was certainly not to blame.


	30. Chapter 30

Janet's task now was to get everything done, to recognize and convict the rotten eggs in her staff. She was not sure if she should include Jack into her plan or not. As she thought about it, she still had not made up her mind by the time she had reached the infirmary. It was time to give Jack a thorough neurological examination. She was hoping she could get a more accurate overview of his current condition. She had already detected slight neurological deficits in his movements.   
When she entered the treatment room, she was not received in a friendly way. The officer sat on one of the beds, with a dark expression, and at once hit her with a list of complaints. Janet rolled her eyes and saw the nurse who had probably been trying to measure his blood pressure for some time.

"Thanks Lucy, I'll take the Colonel now." 

Sergeant Lucy Price was visibly relieved to be able to turn her back on the Colonel.   
She had not been stationed here for too long, only briefly knowing the Colonel. She had been his nurse maybe once or twice. Lucy liked Jack, especially his humor, but when he was so tense and ill-tempered as today, she was very happy to be able to take a break from him. Janet Frasier looked at her patient severely as she took his blood pressure. She knew that his behavior had made him feel bad and insecure again, and he did not mean to be such an ass sometimes, but she did not want to leave the matter behind. After all, Sergeant Price could not do anything for his situation. Jack knew that it was not right for him to let go of all his anger at innocent people, but he could not help himself. Guilty, he looked down at his feet and avoided any eye contact with Janet. 

"Sir, I know this whole situation is difficult, and we will try to make your stay here as comfortable as possible, but you must do your part. I realize that you really do not want to be here, but remember who you're doing it for! I can well imagine the situation with your team was very emotional and stressful and it is quite understandable that you do not feel good. But you must not let your displeasure go to my nurses. They do not know the background and can take it personally. " 

"I'm sorry," he murmured. 

"It is not to me that you need to apologize!"

Jack looked at the doctor briefly and then, once more ashamed back down at his feet.

`"I'll apologize to her when I see her again," he growled, half-heartedly.

"You'll get the opportunity sooner than you might like, Colonel," grinned Janet.

"Lucy is responsible for you and only you the entire time you are here." 

Janet Frasier had chosen Sergeant Price to take that role for the twenty-four hours that Jack O'Neill would be in the infirmary because she was able to deal well with difficult situations. She was young and had only worked a few weeks at the SGC but Janet trusted her and was sure she was not involved in the “Jack O’Neill mystery” case in her short time here.   
The officer groaned softly, waiting anxiously for his neurological examination. Janet began her examination by first examining his heart function, the large neck vessels, as well as his arm and foot pulses. Jack felt nervous, twitching a few times under her touch. The doctor conscientiously followed the protocol of examination, and went on to study the twelve brain nerves. She began with the vision, then she examined the smell and taste and his ability to hear. Then she focused on eye movements, facial expressions and speech.   
Jack was not particularly patient with all these examinations. He was particularly displeased in the examination of his eyes and showed little co-operation. But the doctor knew how to take him. Again, and again she took notes. Examining Jack’s body of the strength, sensitivity, reflexes and coordination was difficult for him and Janet. There were flaws in fine motor skills as he buttoned his shirt, and mistakes in all his movements were already visible.  
Janet could see that Jack was slowly losing his patience with the examination and when she begins to examine his motor skills with his legs he finally lost it. She knew exactly how painful it was with his knees, and he saw no sense in causing even more pain in them by moving them back and forth. At this point, Janet decided to take a short break, and enjoyed a strong coffee as she took notes. She watched Jack as he sat on one of the beds, exhausted. She took a few deep breaths and then went back to her patient.  
With the last examination, Janet reviewed his stand, gait, and balance. It also confirmed what she had noticed before. The whole examination took a long time and seemed to be more and more exhausting for the man, and he could no longer conceal his trembling hands. After Janet had finally finished the neurological testing, Jack only longed for some rest. But unfortunately, Janet had planned another examination.

"I'd like to take another EEG, sir. It takes a maximum of half an hour. You should lie with your eyes closed, completely relaxed. From time to time I will ask you to do something like opening your eyes or solving a small problem. After that, I promise you are done for today. The MRI I have set for tomorrow. When we do that test, we will be able to see more of what is happening. You can change now, on the bed you'll find everything you need. Sergeant Price will take your blood. That would be a good opportunity to talk to her, don’t you think? I will see you in a few minutes."

When Janet had left the examination room, the exhausted man hobbled to the bed, gruffly putting on the hospital clothes he hated, especially them being too short for him. He sat on the bed, playing with his feet, as Nurse Price came armed with the blood-taking equipment. Immediately his whole body tightened. How he hated these needles! Jack spoke to her before she could start the procedure.

"Sergeant, I'd like to apologize sincerely for my behavior so far, I'm a bit irritated at the moment, of course it's not an excuse, I'm usually not so bad, even if you've heard something else," he said.

Sargent Price looked at Jack and grinned a little, not quite laughing.

"Already forgotten, sir, Doctor Frasier told me you did not have a good day, I think I can forgive you after all you have been through," she grinned. 

Without murmuring, he let her take his blood and prepared for the forthcoming EEG. Her kind, loving manner reminded him of Sam. Immediately his mood improved and he seemed to be much more relaxed as Janet entered the room again. A good half hour later, Nurse Price freed him from the whole electrodes, while Janet evaluated the results. Then he could finally get his private room and was grateful to get some rest.   
There was a request Jack had for Janet. He did not want to see anyone. The only thing he was longing for was rest and sleep. She understood completely, mainly because she remembered how much the situation had overwhelmed him that morning. He was simply not yet ready for the confrontation with his friends and Janet gave him the promise to impose a strict ban on visiting.  
Meanwhile, she knew it was better not to let him into her plans. She had serious concerns, fearing that his behavior could jeopardize the entire plan before or during the magnetic resonance imaging. Jack O'Neill was absolutely unpredictable at the moment.


	31. Chapter 31

Early in the evening Dr. Janet Frasier entered the remote room, at the far end of the hospital. She had deliberately given him a private room, far from the everyday hustle and bustle. He needed more than anything else, rest and privacy. The Colonel lay in his bed rubbing his tired eyes. Even if he would never admit it, she could see he was beyond tired of the whole ordeal. 

"So, Colonel, here comes your food." she apologized. 

"I'm not hungry." he muttered with a hearty yawn.

"Sir, you have to eat, and you have to eat regularly. You have lost a lot of weight lately." Janet replied sternly.

"And so what." he waved. 

"Jack, you have to stay strong. I tell you what, I will make a deal with you which should not be missed." she tried to arouse his interest. "You eat and drink enough, then I'll allow you a call later." 

"What is so intriguing about that?" he asked interested. 

He would like to hear Sam's voice.

"Everything!" she said firmly, pointing to the tray. "Do we have a deal?" 

She looked at him and waited for his reaction. 

"That is more blackmail then a deal!" he muttered.

Janet stood there grinning happily, the grin unhidden from the world. Jack watched her reaction and shook his head.

"You enjoy this, don’t you?" he asked, looking at her face. 

"At such moments as this, I simply love my profession." she joked. 

The officer did not think about it for a long time, and took a brave look at the sandwich on his plate. Satisfied, Janet watched him for a while. His appetite seemed to increase during the meal. The officer swallowed the dessert in record time.

"Do not forget to drink, Sir"

"But that is milk!"

"And?" 

"I do not drink milk!" 

"You will today" 

"Come on, Doc!" 

"The milk, Colonel!" 

Janet looked at him sternly, not tolerating any objection. He rolled his eyes and begin mumbling. "This is extortion!"

Janet was well aware that it was bordering on extortion. But it was the only way to move this bullhead to cooperation. Of course, she would have given him the phone call with Sam, but he did not need to know that. He drank his milk in a sip, and gave Janet a provocative, empty glass. 

"You want more?" asked the doctor promptly and gave no impression that she was joking. 

Jack's grimace was divine. Janet could not stop the laughter and patted him gently on his shoulder. 

"Do not worry, you have completed your part of the agreement, I'll keep mine, too." she smiled.

"Doc, if I was to ever play poker against you, you would be my downfall." he joked.

 

After eating, Jack gave in to total exhaustion for some time, and slept for a good hour, longer then he had in quite a while. He was awakened by Sergeant Price, who made her evening round. 

"Did I wake you, Colonel, I'm sorry." 

"No, I have not slept, I can’t sleep here." he lied and tried to stop yawning. 

Nurse Price gave him a friendly smile, checked his vital signs and recorded them on his chart. With small talk, she tried to loosen up the whole routine, but the officer did not react at all. She had the impression that the man was somehow sad.   
However, his mood changed quickly as Dr. Frasier entered the room and gave him his mobile phone. 

"Ten minutes, Colonel and ten minutes only.” Janet stated.

As Janet left the room with Lucy Price. Jack hastily tapped on Sam's number and waited impatiently for him to hear her voice. He was happy to talk to her and immediately had a small smile on his lips. 

"I've been looking forward to your call all day." she whispered. 

Jack asked wonderingly, "How did you know I would call?" 

"Janet promised me this morning." 

"That sneaky little beast" barked Jack. 

"Jack!" 

"Well, she tricked me, I should have known." he cursed. 

He told her how the resolute little doctor had tricked him. Sam laughed. 

"You think it's funny?" he asked almost offended. 

"Yes, I must admit I do." she confessed and giggled. "Because even though you are higher on the chain, she literally seems to outrank you and outsmart you." 

Sam laughed and could hardly calm down. However, Jack found the whole thing not at all comical and felt as if he were made a fool now by both Sam and Janet. A short time later, it seemed a very fast ten minute, the time for parting had come. 

But Jack did not want to finish the conversation and tried to keep Sam for a while. Sam could hear the depression in Jack’s voice and knew what he was trying to do. But she also knew that if she and Jack broke this promise, Janet would not allow them to have another time.

"Jack, before you know it, the night will be over and I promise you when you wake up, I'll be by your side." 

"Promise?" 

"Promised, Now, I want you to listen to your doctor and rest, Janet knows what's best for you, even if you do not believe it." 

"You're both in this together" he pouted. 

In the back of her mind, Sam realized how much hanging up the phone on Jack was going to hurt him. He was depressed, felt lonely and now he felt as if his closest friends had made a fool of him. Sam knew that this was much more than just the ten-minute time limit – Jack was afraid he would never get to speak to her again if he hung up the phone.  
And it just so happened that exactly at that moment, Janet came in the door, followed by Nurse Price, and tapped her finger on her watch. Jack O'Neill gave her a bitter-eyed look, said good bye to Sam, and threw his phone demonstratively on the blanket after he had finished the conversation.   
Janet could not help but notice that Colonel O'Neill was offended and reacted as always, if it did not go the way he wanted, defiantly. She liked to call it "toddler syndrome". If he did not get his way the Air Force officer often inclined to this childish behavior, and the doctor treated him the same way as she would with a toddler. It sounded as if she were talking to a two-year-old when she turned Nurse Price and asked her next question.

"I think a good night of sleep will do our patient good now, don’t you agree, Nurse Price?" 

Jack hated it when Doc treated him like that and was properly displeased. 

"I am not a child," he cried, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

"Then do not behave like one." was her answer. 

Janet reached for the telephone, turned around, and left the room quietly. She needed a break now, a long, long quiet time. Lucy Price did not really know what to do, and she was happy when she left the room a few minutes later. The mood of the Colonel was at the edge of a freezing point, and he made no secret of it. So what if the young woman felt it. 

"Déjà-vu." she murmured as she made her way through the door.


	32. Chapter 32

Emergency after emergency was met in the infirmary and it seemed it would last all night long. After an unsuccessful mission, one of the teams returned with several injuries. One of the Airman had life-threatening injuries and the night shift team did everything they could to keep the young man alive. Just as Janet Frasier could say the patient was stable and finally could rest for a moment, the next emergency came in.   
It was past midnight when Sergeant Price alerted the doctor. Janet had no idea what was wrong, and ran as fast as she could into the isolation room where Colonel O'Neill had been accommodated. Through the hall to get to Jack’s room, she could hear the officer screaming. The man sat half cowered in his bed and held his head in both hands, screaming – tears streaming down his face from the pain.  
Janet tried to speak to him, but it was in vain. She called out instructions to Lucy and the young nurse tried to follow as quickly as possible. The headache was beyond bearable and it was tormenting him. As much as Janet tried, she could not make him lie down or even take his hands off his head. Finally, Janet sent Lucy to get the two male nurses that had been working in the infirmary that night. The two of them certainly would have more strength than she and her female co-workers and Janet feared, strength would be needed in this situation.   
As much as she had sympathy for Jack, she now had to keep a cool head and do what was necessary. Sergeant Charles Green and Sergeant Thomas Piper finally managed to push down the painful screaming officer and hold him in a position for Janet to give him an injection. Jack defended himself as much as he could and tried to free himself from the firm grip of the nurses. When he realized that he was not going to be able to get away from them, he became panicky – which increased his willingness to want to fight and It was always surprising for the doctor and her co-workers to see how much strength a person could bring up in such a situation.   
Janet hated doing it but she soon had Jack strapped to the bed. There was no getting around it for fear of him hurting himself and she knew she was doing it for his protection and yet she felt so guilty about it. She knew it would only be as long as absolutely necessary but that did not help the feeling she had. She was also afraid that he would act unconsciously against her. This fear was by no means unfounded, she had learned that from the past. Jack was not a friend of strong drugs that confused his consciousness because they had many side effects he feared.   
But this time she had no choice. His severe pain had to be relieved or it would kill him. After the injection was given, it did not take long and the effect seemed to work. The pain became more tolerable, his body relaxed slowly. Dr. Frasier observed his vital signs very carefully. The morphine was now in full effect and she could see the result of it. However, she was not sure if the lowest dosage would be enough, but if necessary, she preferred to do something else besides give more of the injection.   
Janet sat and watched Jack, her face sketched in worry. At times, the man quietly talked to himself, followed by confused moments when he would awaken but just lay fiddling with the blanket or his clothing, agitated. Janet did not understand why he was so agitated, trying to calm him down again and again. He needed to rest to allow the medicine to help him sleep.   
But Jack did not seem to notice Janet or anyone else, only became more restless. He always talked the same way, his words were no more than a whisper. Whatever it was he said to himself, it was not in his native language, it sounded alien to Janet. As he continued to whisper to himself, it seemed he was becoming even more confused. Janet sat beside him and calmly stroked his dense, gray hair and spoke to him as well. Every so often, his babbling grew louder and the man himself would become very excited. His heart rate would increase but Janet would continue her soothing method, praying it would calm him down.   
After a time, she seemed to have success with her method and she watched as Jack slowly became quieter and finally quite still. There followed again a phase in which he seemed to be sleeping peacefully and deeply. The doctor used this time to look after the severely injured Airman and her other patients, leaving Sergeant Price taking care of the Colonel for as long as possible.   
Lucy was sitting at his bed and dabbed the sweat from his forehead. In one of those moments, he opened his eyes surprisingly, looked at Lucy and whispered "Sam." Lucy smiled at him.

"No sir, it's me, Sergeant Price."

Jack stared at her, convinced Sam was at his side. After all, she had promised him she would be there through to the end!

"Sam, Sam, Sam?" he cried.

Seconds later his behavior changed, he fell into a panic. It became even worse when he realized he was tied to the bed. Jack suddenly spoke again in this foreign language he had been babbling in before. Lucy Price did what she could to calm him down again. But he suddenly cried out, his voice shaking from the tears that wracked his body. He struggled with the bonds that held him, trying his best to set himself free, and continued to shout strange words.

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His world consisted of pain and humiliation. He could not tell how long he had been here. But it had to be weeks. He had to beg for water and food, even changed to their language praying they would give in when he did speak it. But no, they ignored him, and punished him when he begged. But what else was left for him? He owned nothing here, not even his dignity. He could die, but why when that would be giving in. As hard as they punished him, he would never give up.   
Jack wanted to see his family again, that was his goal. As long as he could feel something, he knew he was still alive. But why was he suddenly tied up? Was that a new way of torturing him? And who were these women? They spoke his language, they were friendly to him. This was certainly a bad trick to make him talk. He closed his eyes, firmly, dreaming far, far away. Sara? Charlie? He was not able to see their faces in front of him today. Why not? Something was different!   
Angrily he tried to free himself, and begged again for water. But when he realized it was pointless, he gave up. His mouth was so dry, he just wanted a sip of water. Even if it was dirty and smelt bad, it at least kept him alive. The little food they did give him when they allowed him to eat was scarcely edible. In fact, the food was so bad, his stomach rebelled. He could not remember when he had the last meal.   
"Water" he begged again. But no one gave him any.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Air Force officer became even more restless, and fought with all his might against the straps. Jack saw the woman sitting there, watching him and though he begged for some water, it was like did not understand what he said though he was speaking her language. He realized he was becoming quite desperate in his struggle for freedom and for water. Then just as quickly, he became quite calm, and then suddenly began to cough and choke.  
Just at this moment, Janet Frasier again entered the room and immediately recognized the seriousness of the situation. She helped the nurse to free the man from the straps and turn him over, just in time before he vomited. Then he became quite still and did not move. His eyes were tightly closed. Doctor Frasier did the straps back up and decided to insert a peripheral venous catheter to help balance his electrolytes. She also added an anti-nausea and vomiting fluid into the infusion bag. She looked at her patient anxiously. His forehead was in deep folds as she inserted the tubing into his arm.   
"Just a little prick, Sir. There, it’s all done and it'll help soon, and you will feel better." 

 

 

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Ahhhhh, why had she stabbed him with needles? He had thought up to this point, she was friendly, and might help him escape from here. He hated needles!! What had she given him? Drugs? He had to fight against it!! He would not say anything, he'd rather die!   
“Oh God, my son, how I wish I was with you now, I'm sorry I never had enough time for you, I wanted to teach you so much .............. ..... Sara, I love you, you must never forget that! I am infinitely sorry, I can’t keep my promise to you to return to you this time. I've done my best, but I'm not coming out alive, this time. I am so sorry." he whispered in tears. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Janet wiped his eyes dry, softly talking to him all the time. She knew he was back in delirium, and he probably could not hear her, but the doctor at least felt like she was with her good friend. Twenty minutes later, he opened his eyes, let them wander, and it looked as if he was now perfectly clear. Janet smiled at him, tried to communicate with him, but Jack kept calling for Sam until tears rolled down his cheeks. He seemed so lost, so full of fear. His doctor and good friend sat constantly at his side and stroked his head soothingly. She wondered what else she could do help him.

"Sam, Sam." he whimpered.

"Shhhhhh ... Jack, it'll be all right." 

He reacted to her voice, turned his head in her direction, but quickly noticed it was not Sam who was talking to him. Only now did he realize that he was not able to move, did not at first understand why. It was as if he could not remember that he had been restrained this whole time. He tried to loosen the tightness around him but soon realized he could not.

"Please do not tie me up." he pleaded, clenching his fists.

"Sorry, sir, but it's for your own safety." Janet said, hardly believing herself.

She knew there was hardly anything worse for the man then to be helpless in front of others. But she had to be cautious until she was sure he was back in his right mind. The risk, that he could hurt himself or others was simply too big. However, Janet could tell that the morphine and other meds were working. She could see that he had moments of wisdom in which he seemed clear. During this time, he called for Sam. And then there were times in which he was confused, in a kind of delirium.   
At these moments, he was particularly restless, and spoke in the strange language as if he were in another place. She hoped for an improvement in his condition.

"Sam?" he cried miserably.

"Jack, she is not here." Janet explained.

"You promised me, Sam!" He sounded disappointed. 

"Sam?" he shouted again, this time louder. 

She realized that Jack was beside himself with hurt and confusion. He could not understand why Sam was not at his side.

"You promised." he repeated with tears.

Janet grabbed his chin, forced him to look at her. He looked at her with his gloomy eyes and became quite calm.

"Sir, look at me, it's me, Janet. Sam is not here." she repeated.

As much as she tried to make it clear to him that Sam was not with him, he did not want to believe it, and he called for the woman he loved. Janet wondered how she could help the man and after a lot of careful consideration, she came to an idea. Janet horridly left the room for a moment, not wanting to be gone from Jack for a long period of time.  
In the meantime, Nurse Price took care of the man, and gave him the necessary attention he needed. Minutes later, the doctor came back, and sat down on the side of her patient. Janet held her cell phone in one hand, and with the other hand cautiously stroked him over his cheek to get his attention. She held the phone close to him. At the other end of the line, Samantha Carter was waiting for her.   
Her friend had called her, explaining the situation to her and they both hoped it would help Jack to hear her voice. Sam just hoped she could keep her voice under control as she spoke to him and he would not notice how close to her the whole situation was. She was so frightened when her phone rang in the middle of the night and she saw it was Janet.   
At that moment, she was terrified, afraid for Jack. Now she sat with the phone and wiped her tears from her eyes and cleared her throat before Janet gave her the signal. The mobile phone was set so that Jack could hear "his" Sam well. Just as Samantha began to speak, he called for her again.

"Jack, darling, do you hear me? I'm here, listen and you will hear me, I'm here!"

"Sam, you're here." he concluded with satisfaction.

His voice was soft and he became quite calm.

"Yes Jack, I'm here."

She talked to him. It did not matter what she told him, the main thing was, he heard her voice. It calmed him immediately, and after a while he even fell asleep, this time in a more restful state than Janet had seen him all night.


	33. Chapter 33

Major Samantha Carter reached the base at 6.00 am. She had obtained a special permit from Doctor Frasier so she could go to Jack’s room at any time. She wanted to sit at Jack's bed when he woke up, just as she had promised him. The first thing she did was make a small detour and get two cups of freshly brewed coffee before she crept quietly through the hallways of the infirmary. She knew the night had been frantic and exhausting for all, and did not want to bring trouble to the early morning routine. 

She reached Janet's office a few minutes later, and tapped tentatively before she entered. The doctor sat at her desk, bringing her patient files up to date. She smiled gratefully at her friend as she handed her the steaming coffee. Sam could see that Janet had a strenuous night behind her and Sam wondered what kept her from breaking down.

"Good morning Sam, were you able to sleep any last night?"

As much as the young woman had tried, after Janet's call, she had not been able to go back to sleep. Her thoughts surrounded Jack and she could not help the worry that enveloped her. Even knowing he was in the best hands, she would have liked to come to the base the minute she had finished the conversation. She answered Janet simply by shaking her head no.

"Morning Jan. How is he?" She asked immediately.

The doctor smiled.

“Surely that’s a good sign” thought Sam, waiting impatiently for details.

“He's sleeping like a baby, I just talked to Sergeant Price.” Janet looked hard at her friend. “Sam, before I take you to him, I would like to discuss a few things with you. "

Sam nodded, though she had to admit her patience was running thin, she wanted to see Jack after the night he had, just to make sure he was okay.

“We had to strap him to the bed last night. I know it seems to be a very drastic measure, but it was necessary, I would not have done it had there been no reason. You hopefully know that, Sam, especially not with his history.”

Janet took a breather and continued.

“I have a monitor on Jack that will record all of his vitals, do not worry, these are all just precautions. Now, unfortunately, his body reacted with severe side effects to the morphine that I gave him last night. As soon as the drug entered his system and seemed to bring the desired pain relief, it unfortunately has a lot of unwanted side effects."

“Are there alternative drugs with minor side effects?" Sam asked.

"There are other opiates, with the same mode of action. How compatible they are for him I do not know, we will have to try them.”

Again, Janet looked at Sam to make sure she was understanding and following her.

“Not all drugs of the group are suitable in his case. I can tell you this, he will no longer be able to manage his pain without strong painkillers. The pain will become even stronger with the spread of the tumor, much stronger. He should undergo a so-called pain therapy. So far, he has had just a small dose of the opiate, but that will not be enough in time. A further problem will be the administration of the medications. Due to it causing constant vomiting; intravenous, subcutaneous or anal administration of the drug would be the best choice. Soon, he will not be able to get through the day any more without these powerful means."

Sam's eyes were moist.

"I was hoping he had a little more time without major complaints, I was hoping he and I would be able to spend time together now that we have let everyone know of our love for each other" she sobbed.

"Unfortunately, the results of the examination confirmed my presumption, and I can only advise him to do the biopsy, and then to inform him about other treatment options, or at least about pain therapy. His neurologist will advise him in detail. I've already spoken to my colleague, the psychologist. Dr. Blake was ready to look at his case. She knows his attitude to psychology, but she wants to work with him. But he has to allow it, or it will not help and it does not make sense to succumb her to it."

"Oh Janet, I can only hope he'll get involved with all that can help him.” Sam answered, the look on her face sad and almost without hope.

"You should talk about the future, ask him directly, how he imagines the next time with you, and tell him how you see your lives together. Tell him that if he wants to be with you, he has to include you in everything he is going through – he cannot shut you out. And Sam, don’t act like you are made of steel. You must be aware of what you are getting into. Dr. Blake is always willing to talk to you, I already mentioned you to her and she is aware of that. If I were in your place, I would use this offer as well."

"I will," sobbed the blonde.

"Then I will take you to him for the first time, so you can stay with him for as long as you want. You will be the only one allowed in the room so you can be sure you are not disturbed," she smiled.

"Thank you, Janet."

“Sam, I will do all I can to keep you and Jack together, besides we all benefit if you can keep him calm. While you are with him, I have a few things to do to further our plans to find the culprit, and Jack knows nothing about our decision to use him for the transfer of the guilty it will be a normal investigation."

"If he did know, he would agree with it, I'm sure. How will we proceed?"

"Daniel and Teal'c have installed cameras in the infirmary and we'll watch the technician. As soon as he hands me the evaluations, we'll see if he's involved."

“Who is it?"

“Sergeant Lap," Janet said, "He transferred from his position for a short time after I had started the investigation for the Colonel, which can’t be a coincidence," she said.

She accompanied Major Samantha Carter to the patient's room, briefly checked his vital signs, and finally left her alone. Sam sat on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs of the hospital, close to his bed, lovingly holding his hand and struggling against her tears. 

It was just terrible to see him strapped down on the bed. His wrists were reddened, exactly where the straps were. He must have fought hard against it, she thought, gently stroking his irritated skin. With the other hand, she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, desperately trying to avoid him seeing her cry. That was pretty much the last thing he could use today, though he really seemed to be sleeping deeply.

After what seemed like a good long while to Sam, Jack began to stir, and began to feel uneasy when he realized he could not move. At that moment, he opened his eyes, blinked sleepily in Sam's direction.

"Hey," she whispered.

He looked at her confused as he tried to move his arms and realized it was not working.  
Sam tried to calm him down.

"Jack, it's all right."

He looked at her, his gloomy gaze clearer and he visibly calmer. Then he suddenly smiled.

"Sam, you're here," he whispered in a rough voice.

"Of course, I promised you. As you used to tell me – Always Jack."

His throat was so dry, he cleared his throat, and asked for water. Sam held the mug to his mouth and led the straw to his lips. Eagerly he drew from it and almost choked.

"Slowly Jack," she admonished, pulling away the cup.

He protested and tried to reach the cup but he could not. He looked puzzled then suddenly he remembered why he could not move.

"Jack."

Sam could see the panic rising slowly in him. She held his hand firmly all the time, while pressing the call button on his bed. Nurse Price immediately called for Dr. Frasier and she came as fast as she could to her patient and not a minute too soon. 

Sam had her hands full trying to keep him calm, and to keep from hurting himself with the way he pulled against the straps. He raged and demanded an explanation from the doctor and wanted to be released from the straps. Janet remained calm and factual.

"Colonel, I'll remove the belts right away, after I am assured that you are no longer a danger to yourself or anyone else. So, I advise you to calm you down."

The officer looked at the woman in distress, but then he slowly became calm, realizing that the choice she offered him was much better than the alternative.

"What have I done?" He asked, uncertainly and with fear in his voice.

Janet reassured the man.

"You did not do anything, sir, it was just a safety measure. What is the last thing you remember?"

He considered briefly.

“I phoned Sam and you allowed me to finish the conversation. Can you get rid of this now, please?"

Jack’s voice was slowly taking on an annoyed tone and Sam could see that he was becoming agitated.

"Just a moment, Colonel!" She said sternly.

"How do you feel?" She asked in her usual gentle voice.

He reacted even more annoyed, and was not really willing to cooperate. But Sam looked at him with concern and after a little pause, he replied.

"Good, I'm fine."

Doctor Janet Frasier gave him one of her most stern looks.

"Well, maybe a bit tired, but otherwise everything is okay." he assured her.

She looked seriously at him, not quite believing him. She just knew him too well.

"No headaches, nausea?" she asked directly.

He shook his head and looked at the doctor pleadingly.

She told him what had happened while she loosened the straps.

He raised his hand and examined the needle in his left hand.

"Awww Doc ........." he croaked.

"That remains, Colonel," she interrupted him even before he could talk.

Grumpily, he looked at her and suddenly began to cuss. He was angry! Why did Janet never do what he wanted? The officer grew louder and more annoyed. Jack's reaction to his unrestrained anger insulted the doctor in the worst way. The words just bubbled out of him.

The two women stared at the man, shocked. Janet Frasier turned around, struggling hard to keep her emotions to herself. She did not want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much his words had hurt and left the room without turning around again. Sam slapped Jack, without thinking for a second, tears in her eyes. She could not believe what he had said to Janet, and because of it, she was so unspeakably angry at him.

The man looked at her, at how frightened she was, and slowly realized what he had done. For that he would like to have slapped himself. He had not wanted to behave like that. Those horrible words had just slipped out of him. Sam did not look at him as she walked to the door. Searching for words, Jack burst into tears and watched helplessly as his greatest love disappeared from the room.

"I did not mean it. I did not want any of this. I told you what would happen. Why couldn’t I just go hide at the cabin the way I wanted" he sobbed, more to himself and crying harder with time.


	34. Chapter 34

Sam reached the office of her best friend only a few moments after Janet. The doctor sat at her desk, her elbows in front of her on the desk, covering her face with her hands. She was less shocked at what exactly he had said than about the fact that it hurt so much. The little sleep of the last few days and the emotional tension were not entirely innocent. 

Damn, she was a doctor, she should not even be bothered by such things. But when it came to him, it was too close to the heart. Jack O'Neill was first, before anything else, her friend, not just a patient. She knew his emotional and verbal outbursts were part of his illness. He could not control it, and it had not been his intention to act like that.

Janet Frasier raised her head, as she heard her friend come in the office. Taking her hands and rubbing her face, she tried to act casual.

"Hey Janet, are you all right?" Sam asked cautiously, and considered the eyes of her friend.

"I'm okay, Sam, I'm just annoyed with myself. His words were not flattering, but I should have been more professional."

"I've never heard him talk like that, I do not know about this side of him and I do not want to get to know it either."

"This is, unfortunately, part of his disease, and he cannot be held responsible for his outbursts. As soon as he reaches a certain point in his anger, he loses control. I am really grateful that his anger seems to be more projected from his words. I would hate to have seen what could have happened.

"He would never hurt us, would he?"

"Sam, he can’t control his anger or himself at these moments, he really does not want to hurt anybody on purpose. So far, he has only harmed himself, apart from the airman who was in the canteen and the airman was lucky that the Colonel had not seriously injured him. Which makes it certainly clear, he needs urgent professional help and support, and I strongly advise him not to even make it a choice – he has to do it. You must make him, it will be like putting a gun to his chest but you have no choice. "

"If he wants to be with me at all, Janet, then he will take your advice. I've slapped him for what he said to you - it was a reflex. I was so shocked at his words."

Janet stared at her and then grinned. She could not help but Sam's contrite expression made her laugh. She felt bad about slapping Jack, it showed but she was so hurt and angry it had been an automatic response.

"He'll get over it, but the next time this happens – and it will – try to get away from him without him seeing that it bothered you. When things get even worse – and they will – you must realize that he has no choice in what he does, it is his sickness. However, you do, and you must or it will only hurt him worse.”

Janet looked at Sam and shook her head, letting her know the thought that just entered her mind.

“This does not mean you should accept it. When his anger has settled and he is approachable again, then you must let him know how you feel and that you do not tolerate his behavior.”

"I'd love to go to him and apologize to him, I know it's wrong, but he's so terribly sorry for what he said and did." Sam could not hide the tears running down her face.

"Sam, pity is the last thing he needs in his situation, he'd hate it, and you know that, too, if you're honest with yourself."

"He would kick my ass in his Colonel manner.” the blonde laughed, looked at her friend, and understood what she had said. "How do we proceed in this case, doctor?" she asked jokingly.

"We'll give him time to think about it what he did, a lot of time.” she grinned.

*****************************************************************

Jack lay on the side, turned away from the door and hated himself for his harsh words. He knew very well how much he owed Janet. He preferred to go to her at once and apologize to her in his best behavior. Sometimes, he could really be an ass.  
And Sam? She was certainly disappointed in him. A person did not have to be a prophet to see that. The more he thought about everything, the more fear arose. He was sure now, Sam never wanted to see him again. The mere thought of it, almost robbed him of his mind.

He suddenly felt the urge to get up, somehow to release his inner unrest. He paced up and down the small room, walking back and forth, always along the walls. In his mind, Sam had been lost to him forever. 

The closeness of the room made him feel constricted, no, more imprisoned as a wild animal. He thought about sneaking out of his room and looking for Sam. But he quickly rejected the idea. If he did not find her, he would become angry again, and he did not need that. He turned his rounds incessantly until someone opened the door to his room.

He called her name ........ "Sam" ....... in the firm belief, she was back.

To his annoyance, however, it was only Sergeant Price, who glared at him as she was greeted by him. Frowning, she set his breakfast by the bed, smiled at him, and finally pushed the completely bewildered man to his bed. He was exhausted. She did not overlook the sweat on his forehead and his trembling hands, which he tried unsuccessfully to hide from her.

"You should stay in bed, sir, you have to rest. Doctor Warner will not be pleased to find you like this, and we do not want to annoy the doctors unnecessarily, Colonel, right?"

Warner? Why Warner? He was confused. The diligent nurse looked at his confusion, and gave him an unexpected and rather shocking explanation he had not expected.

"Doctor Frasier has finished her rounds for today, she did not feel well and decided to go home. Dr. Warner will take over the rest of the shift and will take care of you, Colonel"

Jack was petrified for a moment. He had to pull himself together! Feelings suddenly erupted in him, which was very unusual. His unaccustomed emotionality slowly worked on his nerve. He had always been taught that you do not show your emotions openly and in public. He was well educated in this and because of it – feeling had never been a problem in public before.  
Now however, it seemed not to be the case and it made him feel very nervous and uneasy. Not to be master of his own feelings was like a nightmare to Jack. But as much as he tried, he could not change it. All attempts to close off his feelings seem to make it worse.

Was it because of him that she had left? Had he hurt Janet so badly that she had literally thrown in the towel? “Of course, it's because of you, you idiot! Sometimes you can really be an ass” he said to himself in his thoughts.

He felt bad. He had never intended to hurt anyone, but especially Janet. She was a good friend, damn, she was one of his best friends and it was certainly not his intention to hurt her in any way. He did not deserve their friendship and help. 

Just about as much as he deserved Sam's love. Sam! A question burned on his soul.

"Sam? ..................... Major Carter, I mean, did you see the Major?" he stammered, noticing how he blushed.

"I think Major Carter has accompanied Doctor Frasier home, sir, as far as I know.

Nurse Price could see his disappointment, tried with a friendly smile to overshadow her own insecurity. Jack's heart sank at his feet. She had gone, without a word? That was the worst thing for him. He would be willing to let her shout at him, let her slap him again, if he had to, he would not care. He had earned it.  
But she was gone. Just left him.

He fought hard against his emerging feelings, and was glad when Sergeant Price finally left the room Jack threw himself back on the bed and stared incessantly at the ceiling. 

“Pull yourself together! You're an Air Force officer, you're not going to cry like a baby again” he told himself.

Lately he had not been able to endure his emotional outbursts, but he always tried hard to hide them. However, most of the time he was not very successful! He failed in suppressing his tears this time, whether he liked it or not.

Sam stood next to her friend, feeling bad when Lucy Price told them how uneasy the officer was and how disturbed he had been when she told him what she had been told to tell him. The young woman would never question one of Dr. Frasier’s instructions. She certainly had her reasons for doing what she had done. Still, she secretly wondered what was going on. She only knew what she absolutely needed to be able to provide the man with the best possible care. 

But that he was not in the best condition, both physically and mentally, had not escaped the young nurse. She did not like to lie to her patient, felt uncomfortable about doing it. But she had to obey her orders whether she liked them or not. Janet dismissed the young woman after she finished giving her report and turned to Sam, seeing how much the woman was suffering.

"That does not sound good, Janet, should not I go to him?" she asked in a shaky voice.

Sam was more than worried, already close to tears. But Janet thought it advisable to stay hard, at least for a while.

****************************************************************

More than two hours later, Jack O'Neill was finally being taken to his scheduled test. Nurse Price pushed him in a wheelchair along the long corridors of the base to the MRI. She wanted to ease the man on the way from his tension, tried to get into conversation with him. But the man was strangely quiet, almost introverted.

Even as Doctor Warner complimented him in the wheelchair, the officer lost no word of protest. That surprised both the doctor and the nurse, but Doctor Warner was actually just glad that the Colonel did this without discussion to what he had said and thought nothing else about it.

Even when Jack O'Neill was being prepared for the MRI, no one heard an unnecessary word from the man. No whining and no manipulation attempts from his side. He felt a little uncomfortable when his head was fixed for the examination. That had never really bothered him, but today, he felt helpless when he was driven into the machine.

"I'll be around all the time, Colonel." Sergeant Price reassured him. She had noticed that he was not himself. Usually Jack was a problem in the infirmary – no matter if it was just a routine exam or if it was something major, Jack put up a fit. 

But today, he was not giving any complaint and that worried the young nurse. Jack also could connect with the medical staff in any emergency, he knew, but suddenly he was overcome by this terrible feeling. A feeling like he was all alone, no one to care for him.

Janet, Sam, Daniel and Teal'c were already sitting in the observation room, looking at the monitors in front of them, and could do nothing but wait and see what happened. Sam especially found it hard to remain calm. Janet put her hand on her arm, a gesture felt by Sam as very helpful. The doctor was confident, so far everything went according to plan.

The General pushed gently through the door, and looked silently at the monitors. The technician was completely normal, his gaze rested on his screen, he did not move. One of the cameras was aimed precisely, revealing to the secret observers exactly what the man saw on his monitors. The tumor was clearly recognizable. 

Janet told her friends and her superiors what the pictures showed. Daniel was frightened when he recognized the true extent of the tumor, staring horrified at the screen. It was as if he were in shock and could no longer turn his gaze.

In the examining room, Jack O'Neill suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable in the tightness of the MRI machine. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he felt that he could not breathe properly. His chest was suddenly too tight. Panic overcame him and his inner unrest broadened.

He had to get out of here, he had to get out of here immediately! Jack was sure he could not stay in the tight tube any longer, breathing far too quickly, and still not getting enough air. 

"Colonel O'Neill, you must be calm, it'll take another moment." the technician exhorted him.

But the Colonel did not react to what the technician said. Jack was so imprisoned in his panic that he could neither heard nor seen anything else. All he knew was he needed to escape before he died.  
Janet recognized his dilemma, and ran quickly out of the observation room. The heels of her shoes clinked audibly on the floor, interrupting the silence in the room. Jack was having a panic attack and began to hyperventilate. Janet gave Sergeant Price quick instructions through a small microphone which was in constant contact between Janet and the nurse. Lucy Price talked with the Colonel, and tried to implement what the doctor had ordered.

"Sir, you must try to breathe slowly, slow, deep breaths, you hear, that is important." The nurse was nervous, trying to keep her voice steady.

Jack did not react at first, still trying to get enough air into his lungs. His entire musculature was convulsively tense. Dizziness made the situation even worse for him. He squeezed his eyes more tightly, hoping that the dizziness would finally go away.

"Colonel, you must concentrate on your breathing." said the young woman repeatedly.

Jack needed a moment to build the necessary concentration to steady his breathing, for he still felt as if he were suffocating. Finally, his breathing became calmer, and he managed to overcome his panic. The oppressive feeling in his chest had disappeared. Lucy Price talked calmly to her patient all the time, and realizing that it was soothing to him to hear her talk, told him everything she could think of – whether about the weather or herself just to keep him breathing and calm.

Sam could not get rid of the feeling she should be at his side and do that for him. But, how could she? No one could know about her and Jack, not before Jack held the official confirmation of his retirement. She fought her feelings. Their friends were probably similar. Nobody talked, everyone just listened to the gentle words of Sergeant Price. She did the best!

When Jack was finally brought out of the machine, Samantha would have loved to run to him immediately, to lock him tightly in her arms and never let go.  
Instead, she had to watch Sergeant Price help him back into his wheelchair and push him away. The officer was pale and very exhausted.

***************************************************************

When Janet Frasier finally held the results in her hands, everything went very fast. She studied the evaluations and had to realize that on these recordings there was not a sign of a tumorous object to see. These pictures were by no means Colonel O'Neill’s MRI report. She looked at her friends and nodded, shocked and bewildered. This man was undoubtedly one of the rotten eggs in her staff.

Teal'c did not even give the whole incident a minute before he shot out of the door within seconds, and finally stormed the technical room next door. He grabbed the stunned man by the collar, lifted him so that his legs had no ground contact and finally pushed him to the hard, cold concrete wall. The otherwise quiet Jaffa was beside himself with rage, his eyes sparkling with anger. The unsuspecting Sargant screamed in pain, begging someone to pull the Jaffa off him.

All the others had followed the Jaffa, trying to stop the burly man. Everyone understood his urge to crush the man on the wall, like vermin, but the man was still needed. The General desperately tried to make this clear to the Jaffa. But Teal'c did not seem to hear at first, or did not want to hear. 

After General Hammond finally set a sharper tone, Teal’c let go of the screaming man without warning, so that he hit the hard ground with a dull thud. Two soldiers grabbed the sergeant up off the ground and straightened him, so that he stood straight in front of the general. The brazen man looked at the crowd in front of him and had a grin in the middle of his face. He finally laughed aloud, the laughter echoing through the whole room.

"I hope this guy dies miserably." he shouted and spat on the floor next to Hammond.

Janet Frasier could not restrain herself any longer. She went to the man and hit him in the face with all her might. She was angry, how could anyone be so cruel? The man laughed again and again. General Hammond gave orders to take him away without delay. He was horrified and could not bear the presence of this man any more than the rest of his people.

What finally followed was an extensive meeting, the General would not waste any time to reveal the whole extent of these monstrous incidents.   
The meeting lasted more than an hour. To the suffering of Sam, who wanted nothing more than to be back with “her” Jack, it seemed to last for eternity.

Among other things discussed, what to do with the prisoner was also brought up. It was hoped that the man would give in at the upcoming interrogations and name the people who were also involved in the matter. They all hoped he would give up the one in charge of the whole ordeal. For one thing was certain, this plot was professionally oriented and served solely to get Jack O'Neill out of the way.   
The general, however, had little hope, and was sure before the sergeant would name all involved, he would rather be languishing for the rest of his life in the military prison.

In the end, the General had news about Jack. Everyone waited anxiously for the General to come out with the good news. He held an official letter in his hands. George Hammond finally announced the promotion of Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, to Brigadier General Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill. 

General Hammond had asked for it by hand, and got support from another high-ranking officer to reaffirm the request. Jack had earned it. General Hammond asked, however, not to tell the Colonel anything about it, he would like to organize a small gathering to tell the Colonel all about it.

Janet and Sam struck the path to the hospital station together. Sam knew she had to get to him. She could hardly concentrate in the last half hour of the meeting.

"General, he will be surprised, but he deserved it!" Janet smiled.

"It's a pity we can’t tell him yet, he could use an encouragement, I hope he's doing well."

"He's fine! I've talked to Doctor Warner before the meeting. He said Jack was exhausted, but he's okay. Do not worry unnecessarily, Sam."

 

Janet Frasier made her way to Dr. Warner to give him an update while Sam continued her way to Jack's room. Having arrived at his room, she took a deep breath before she entered the room. She had to stand up to him no matter what and she was nervous. She had to admit, she was still slightly fearful after his last outburst. Finally, she opened the door and walked in.

Jack lay in his bed, looking to be asleep. As she got closer, she realized something was wrong. He grunted softly as he heard her voice.

"Jack?"

He grunted again, followed by a deep groan. Then she saw it, holding the medicine bottle with his painkillers firmly in his hand. As she looked more closely, she realized it was completely empty. A few of the tablets lay scattered beside him on the bed.

Sam was pale. She did not want to believe what she saw. Could not believe what she was thinking, and heard herself scream in panic.

"Jack, what did you do?" she cried, close to tears.


	35. Chapter 35

Doctor Janet Frasier was deeply in the middle of a conversation with her colleague Dr. Warner when Sergeant Price alerted her. Both doctors immediately stopped talking and ran as fast as they could into the somewhat remote patients room. Janet pushed a thousand different things through her head, denying each thing along the way.

SAM

Sam was frightened by the coldness of his skin as she felt his pulse beat.  
Thank God, she could feel it, slower than usual, but it was beating regularly! She tried to arouse the man, in some way, to at least open his eyes. She knew considering his eyes was her best way of communicating with him to know how far out he was. But he kept drifting in and out of consciousness.

"Jack, Jack, do you hear me, if you hear me, please open your eyes," she almost cried, driven by that indescribable fear that seemed to surround him.

But nothing came from him, except groans. Suddenly Jack puked, surprising Sam. She had not seen that coming, but she quickly reacted and turned him on his side to make sure he did not swallow and choke on his vomit. Soothingly she stroked him by his hair. She took his hand in hers and assured him that he was not alone. 

Sam suddenly noticed that he was holding something firmly in his left hand. Carefully she tried to free the crumpled piece of paper from his fist, and recognized the note immediately. It was the list, the stupid list he had made of what he had to do before time ran out. With tears in her eyes she put away the document.

Sam was panicked. Where was Janet? Every second to her seemed like an eternity. Sam knew she had good basic medical knowledge for the initial care of the injured, but this situation overwhelmed her. Not when it came to attempted suicide. God, it was so hard to say that. Why had she left him? When the rescue in the shape of the doctor's team, followed by Sergeant Price, finally entered the room, she was more than happy.  
Doctor Frasier and Doctor Warner immediately took care of the man, as usually, they oversaw everything necessary. Nurse Lucy, meanwhile, took the anxious, crying Sam aside. She finally forced the sobbing woman to sit down on one of the chairs on the opposite side of the rom. Samantha protested, she had to be with him, never wanted to leave him. The desperate blonde screamed as Lucy held her in place by force.

*****************************************************************

 

LUCY

Lucy, with a great deal of understanding for Sam’s situation, spoke to the officer. She could get into the woman’s heart and understood her worries about the man. After all, Lucy had not been blind, she had long since noticed that to Jack, Sam meant a lot more. They seemed to have a special bond to each other. 

Still, the woman had to understand that she would help him more right now if she was out of the way. The life of the Colonel was at stake and being in the way would not help but hinder. It was not until she became more energetic that she was able to make herself heard by the Major.

After finally getting Sam to understand her, Lucy took a moment and with concern, she looked at her patient. She had to realize the she was much closer to him than she should. When tears were forming in the corners of her eyes, she hoped that no one would notice them, and continued to do her work conscientiously.

Janet Frasier checked his pulse.

"Jack, can you hear me?" she asked, hoping he would react to her voice. But he did not.

"Sir, can you open your eyes?" she asked again, waiting for a moment.  
No reaction.

After they had turned him back on his back, the doctor gently tapped him on his cheeks, hoping for a reaction but it was in vain! They took his blood pressure, rechecked the pulse, his heart function and paid attention to his breathing.

*******************************************************************

JACK

Jack O'Neill drifted in and out of his consciousness, barely perceiving anything around him. He heard voices, familiar voices! They all talked to him, they talked about him. He could not tell exactly what they were saying, he understood only fractions of the words. They sometimes sounded far away, somehow distorted to him.

His eyelids were heavy, too heavy to open. He wanted to open them, someone asked him to, but he could not. At least he had no pain. A nice feeling .................. AHhhh, too early! The next thing he felt was an old, bad feeling.  
He groaned.

**************************************************************

"We must turn him over, now," Janet suddenly cried, as she noticed the man began to choke again.

Jack felt like he had been run over by a bus. He opened his eyes slightly, and blinked. Why did he feel so bad? Suddenly, he felt several hands on his body and it felt as if everything began to turn. Jack did not like it and tried to protest. He just wished they would stop. If they continue, then ...................... Oh God!

He vomited, feeling his stomach trying to get rid of its entire contents. When it was over, he felt better, he was cold, so cold ............. then the voices moved back into the distance.

Lucy Price cleaned the officer, speaking to him all the time, then helped Janet to bring the patient quickly back into the supine position, laying him straight on his back. She also checked his vital signs over and over.  
His body temperature was drastically declined and Lucy gave him a warm blanket, while Janet checked his pupils. The pupils were narrowed and his breathing increased the doctor's worries. It was slow, too slow. Jack took not more than ten breaths per minute and showed clear symptoms of respiratory depression. As his lips turn blue, she put an oxygen mask on him. Janet knew they had to act quickly.

They hurriedly pushed him out of the room, through the long corridors of the infirmary. His eyes flew open, for a few seconds ... bright light, voices, then everything was dark again.

****************************************************************

SAM

Sam ran beside him, holding his ice-cold hand all the time. At that moment, she did not care at all who saw her. Her worries and thoughts were solely for the man, who lay so close to death beside her. How desperate he must have been to take this drastic step? She could not help the thoughts, it was her fault, she should never have left him alone!

Then the doctors disappeared with him somewhere in the vastness of the complex. Suddenly everything was so quiet and she was alone ............... to just stand there, left alone and frightened. She sank to the floor, using one of the walls as support at some time, and Sam let lose all of her feelings – letting them escape her.

***************************************************************

While Doctor Warner connected the patient to all the necessary devices, nurse Lucy took the man's blood needed for the toxicological investigation to get accurate values of how much of the toxic drug was in his blood. Janet Frasier gave Jack the first dose of the opioid antagonist naloxone, the antidote for poisoning opiates.

"Well, the first dose is in there!" she said, watching her patient closely.

His breathing had to improve within two to three minutes. Tense she waited, again and again checking his vitals. But the hoped-for effect did not come yet. Janet gave him another dose when the time was up. Even after the second dose, his breathing did not improve sufficiently. Only after the fourth injection of the antidote was his respiration again satisfactory.

Janet could not hold back as she breathed a sigh of relief.

 

JANET

The Colonel lay in front of her, so fragile, looking somewhat alien. She'd never expected him to take his life, not in this way, and especially not here, in her care. Carefully, she stroked the unconscious man's cheek, and redirected the oxygen mask. She had to stand up, she felt so much guilt. If only she had acted differently!

*****************************************************************

SAM

It seemed to her as if she were sitting in front of the door for what felt like eternity, waiting for a sign, some sign from someone. Nobody had come from the back since they had pushed him through the door. She did not even know if he was still alive at all. Sam broke into tears again, thinking that there was just no way he could not have done it.

She still did not believe what had happened and buried her tearful face in her hands. Suddenly she heard footsteps, looked up, jumped up when she saw him and ran off. She wept bitterly until she was drawn into the long-awaited, comforting embrace that she now so much needed.

He held her as hard as he could. Just stood there, stopped dead in his tracks, saying nothing. After Sam had called him completely incoherent and talking about Jack dying, he immediately set out to stand by her side.

***********************************************************

DANIEL

He did not really understand what she'd told him. Jack tried to take his life by tablets? That did not sound like Jack O'Neill. Of course, he knew Jack's prehistory.

The man had already tried it once when he lost everything that mattered to him. That's exactly why he could not believe that Jack would have tried it again. Because Sam had revealed to him in private that she and Jack been in a relationship. That was what they had always wanted.

At first, the archaeologist did not know at all what to say, to be honest, he felt as if he had been a hit by a mac truck. Why had they not told him? He was Jack's friend, actually the best friend Jack had, he had thought at the time.

The feelings which the two officers had for each other were, of course, not concealed from him. He knew a relationship between the two was forbidden, one of the many rules in the military. But had Jack and Sam really believed he would have said a damn word about it? They knew him better than that. Daniel continued to say nothing, just holding the weeping woman firmly in his arms.

***************************************************************

GENERAL HAMMOND

With a trembling hand, George Hammond hung up the telephone. The Air Force General had not expected this when Dr. Frasier called him. He was sitting at his desk just to make the preparations for Jack O'Neill's promotion ceremony when the news hit him like a fist to his gut. 

He buried his face in his hands for a moment, not wanting to believe it. The man, who sometimes acted like a little boy, had been like a son to him. He took a deep breath before informing the man who was sitting in front of his desk. As a matter of fact, the man told the Jaffa exactly what had happened.

*****************************************************************

Teal'c

He looked calm and cool as ever. If you could see the inside of Teal’c, however, it looked quite different. The warrior, for whom O'Neill was like a brother, could not comprehend the action of his friend. For people, their lives were precious, and they generally did everything they could to keep it. He had often seen the man more dead than alive, but O'Neill had never given up, never.   
He was a fighter!  
The Jaffa did not understand why O'Neill had given up.  
But, even after all these years, there were still things that people on earth did, that he could not understand.

******************************************************************

Feeling like an eternity later, the door finally opened. A more than exhausted Janet walked towards the two friends. Even before she could say anything at all, she was immediately attacked by both. The doctor knew Sam was probably already half mad with concern for Jack and soothed the desperate woman first by a small smile. Sam fell around her neck, crying with relief.

"He is stable and in intensive care, where they will watch him. The monitoring of his vitals and especially his breathing, is for the time being the most important.”

Janet held Sam as she steered her and Daniel to some chairs and the three sat as Janet explained to them what had happened.

“Opiates lead to a drastic slowing of breathing when overdosing. The person concerned does not notice it, it is almost as if he simply forgot to take sufficient breaths. This problem Jack had as well, we call it a respiratory depression. To correct this, we gave him the opioid antagonist naloxone, the antidote to this type of poisoning.“

Janet stopped for a second and took a breath before continuing.

“The duration of naloxone therapy is unfortunately limited in time and therefore it may be necessary to repeat the therapy until the problem is resolved. He is still not conscious, and he is on oxygen to support his breathing at this time. When he gets back to himself, well, that depends on several factors and the answer will come with time. His blood levels show a high concentration of the active ingredient, which confirms he has taken a larger amount of the tablets. He was adequately informed about the risks and side effects of this drug before prescribing. I assume he had to know what he was doing.”

"But he will wake up again, will not he?" Sam asked in an uncertain voice.

"We have to give him time, he'll wake up, I just can’t say when.”

Sam wiped the tears from her eyes. Janet told her to wait and she would let her know when she could go to him. Finally, the time came and at last Sam could go to him, if only for a few minutes. 

She walked slowly towards him, crying again as she saw him lying there. He looked bad, so pale, and looked damnably frail under the oxygen mask. Sam was in a panic, afraid he might never wake up again. She took his hand in hers and held it the whole time she sat with him. They had just found each other, she was not ready to lose him again. Tears ran down her cheeks silently.

After a few minutes, she had to leave him again. Sam was not really ready to leave, but she had no choice. She knew if she angered Janet, she would not get to see him at all. The next days and nights the young woman spent at the base. Sam did not dare to leave the mountain for a moment.

The little time she could spend with Jack always went way too fast. She always pretended to be strong, even if she did want to cry the entire time she was with him and saw him like that. For two days he laid there without any change.

"Why does not he wake up, Janet?" She asked her friend, again close to tears.

"You have to be patient, his body has gone through a lot, he just needs time," she told her friend, not for the first time. 

But the young woman was at the end of her strength. Janet figured Sam had not slept well the last few days and certainly had not eaten anything, the doctor was sure. She knew her girlfriend well enough.

Janet again examined Jack, in Sam’s presence. The doctor actually thought Jack would become aware at any moment. Janet recommended talking to him a lot. She was firmly convinced that coma patients could hear what was happening around them and it might help him find the way back faster. 

Sam tried to talk a lot with him, but it was a bit hard at first for her, especially since she was never really alone with him. There were so many things between them that remained unsaid, but she could not talk to him in this way, not here, not under the eyes and ears of others.

Sam watched and admired Sargent Price a bit more each day. The way she was with Jack when she looked after him. She spoke to him, quite natural and self-evident, explaining to him every step she took, as if he were conscious.

As in the days past, Sam used every minute she got to be with him, and she despaired almost every time she came back and saw no change. She held his hand, as she always did and began to talk, told him about her day, her work on the new project and was sure if he could really hear her, he'd already tried to stop her. 

At the thought of it a small smile escaped her. She continued to speak, became more specific in her exposition, hoped the more technical she became, the sooner he would open his eyes, and command her, in his colonel manner, to keep her mouth shut. 

She did not even notice Sergeant Price leaving the room. A glance at her watch told her it was time to leave. Saddened by the fact, she followed her daily farewell ritual and pressed a tender kiss on his forehead.

"Good night, Jack, I love you," she whispered into his ear. When she was about to go, she turned to look at him for the last time and she looked into his dark eyes. Sam stared at him in surprise and smiled.

"Jack?"

His eyes had long since closed by the time she returned to the bed. She gently stroked his cheek, hoping he would open his eyes again. Without success, he did not move.

"He was awake!" Sam smiled as Janet suddenly appeared next to her and looked at her hopefully.

The doctor leaned over the man, spoke directly to him, "Colonel, can you hear me?"

The man did not react.

Janet Frasier waited a moment before she spoke to him again. But even after the third attempt, Jack did not move. With her penlight, she considered his pupils and shook her head. Sam looked at her, aghast.

"He looked at me, he was awake, really!"

"I believe you, Sam, let's give him some more time, he'll wake up soon," she said, calming the now desperate woman.

Janet took her girlfriend and escorted her out of the room, prescribing the sleepy and exhausted woman sleep, and forbade her further visits to her patient for the next 16 hours. Even though Sam will hate her for it, it was the only way she could give her girlfriend some rest.

In such matters, the doctor could be strict, never let herself be softened. Samantha Carter knew this too and pulled away angrily. How could Janet do this to her? Not now, when he had woken up, even if it was a mere second. She was angry! Sam went to her quarters, threw herself on the bed, and cried herself to sleep.  
***************************************************************

Jack

His vision was blurred as he carefully opened his tired eyes. It took a moment before he could see everything around him. What happened? How the hell did he get here? He looked around, realized he was in one of the isolation rooms, and thought hard about what might have happened. He was so tired, he could not think, his eyes were heavy as lead. He could not stop them any longer, and quietly drifted back to sleep.

 

Another 12 hours passed before the man came back awake. He did not feel at like himself and could not help the groan that escaped.

"Colonel, you're awake," noted Janet, who was about to write down the last vitals on her patients’ chart.

Jack looked at her, and said nothing.

"How do you feel, sir?" She asked cautiously.

"Like shit!" He whispered, coughed.

Janet held a mug with a straw on his dry lips. He took a strong sip until she pulled the mug away from him.

"What happened?" He asked suddenly, his eyes were already closing again.  
Janet put her hand on his shoulder.

"We'll talk about that later, Jack, you need to rest," she said affectionately, watching as he drifted slowly back to sleep.


	36. Chapter 36

Many thanks to my "big sister" who, despite her new life situation, finds time to revise my story. I love you !!

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel Jackson strolled hand in hand with his Kathleen through the park. While she carried the conversation, Daniel was rather reserved. The young woman realized quickly the archaeologist was with his thoughts and completely in a different place. Kathleen looked at him lovingly and tried to talk to him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said quietly, looking at him expectantly

Daniel gave her an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, I'm not good company right now," he murmured, taking off his glasses and rubbing his burning eyes.

"Your friend?" She asked, worried. He nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

At first, he hesitated and then nodded. He had to talk to someone, even if he could not tell her everything. For days he had carried this emotional burden around with him and could not talk to anyone about it. Sam was completely out of her mind since Jack had overdosed on the strong pain pills and barely could get through a day without breaking down. Teal'c - well Teal'c was not Daniel's first choice for this type of conversation. And Janet? Janet was very professional as always, looking outwardly as if she were unshakeable. She would give him the medical facts very straight-forward but never had time for anything else, especially when it came to comfort him or anyone.  
Kathleen sat down on the park bench at the edge of the path and asked Daniel to sit beside her. She was worried about him. With some encouragement from her side, he finally told her what troubled him, describing his worries about Jack, his thoughts about losing a good friend. It was good to finally be able to share all his pent-up feelings with someone and he was not ashamed when tears came to him. He trusted this woman, felt he had known her all his life.

"And there is no hope for your friend anymore?" She asked in dismay.

Daniel shook his head in frustration while he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket. He removed his glasses and wiped away his tears. Trying to calm himself he took his time and polished his soiled glasses on his shirt before putting them back on his nose.

"Could you talk to him?" She asked, taking his hand and holding it tight with her own. 

"No, he was so changed, dismissive. As if he did not want to see me let alone talk to me." he said sadly.

"Maybe he needs time to process everything for himself, he is lost. You have to be there for him when he needs you, that's all you can do. I don’t think he's expecting anything more from you, he'll come to you when he's ready for a friend to lean on. "

"If he does not start .......", he remarked, he suddenly stopped in mid-sentence.

"What?" She asked in surprise, looking at him.

He had already said too much.

"Nothing," he murmured, unable to look her in the eye any longer.

"Daniel, look at me." she begged him, gently stroking his cheek.

He looked at her, a little shyly.

"Whatever troubles you, if you need me, I'm here for you! I want you to know that!" She said, kissing him tenderly on the forehead.

Daniel suddenly noticed something on his knee, looked up, and looked directly into the loyal, brown eyes of one of Kathleen's dogs.

"Dogs know when somebody is not feeling well and that's her way of telling you she's there for you, as I am. Hope is a particularly sensitive animal with an extreme sense for such situations."

He smiled, stroked the dog gently over the head. He was glad to have Kathleen and her canine friend.

 

***********************************************************************

 

A few miles away, deep in the Cheyenne Mountain complex, General Hammond was slowly losing his patience. For days, the prisoner was interrogated over and over again, with no results - he was silent and persistent. His only reaction in all that time was just a happy grin now and then. George Hammond would have preferred to execute this guy with his own hands. Even today's conversation was no different. Puffing, the general vented his anger, banging his fist on the table in the room behind the glass where he and Jaffa Teal'c watched the interrogation unseen. The coffee cups clattered loudly as the table shook from the General anger. Teal'c raised an eyebrow, wondering at the unfamiliar emotional outburst of his otherwise calm superior.

"General, if you let me, I'd like to try, maybe I can get him to change his mind," the Jaffa suggested.

The general snorted. He had put the best people on this man, but slowly lost the belief that anyone could ever make him talk. He knew this guy was no more than a henchman. He absolutely had to get the mastermind of this "crime" of his friend and to punish the sick person that had caused him so much pain. He swore he would not rest until he had done that and if it was the last thing he did! He owed it to Jack O'Neill.

The general nodded, not sure whether Teal’c could change anything or not, but he was grateful for any attempt. As Teal'c entered the interrogation room, the man grinned maliciously at him. However, as the Jaffa slowly approached him, building himself in full height before him, the guilty man nervously and instinctively clenched his fists, handcuffed to his back.

"You will not hurt me!" He barked confidently.

"Do not worry, I won’t even get my fingers dirty on you!" Teal'c snarled.

Slowly he neared the man, then leaning, with his head close to his ear – he whispered something to him. The man opened his eyes wide, and began to squirm in his shackles.

Teal'c remained calm and unemotional as usual, just turned around and left the room again, without another word while the sergeant screamed, trying to free himself from his handcaffs.  
As far as General Hammond could tell from where he stood, all of a sudden, the guy had lost his entire color. He wondered what the Jaffa had said to him, addressing him directly when he entered the observation room again.

"I've just told him his future, General, that is all," Teal'c said in his usual stoic manner.

George Hammond did not ask any further, left it at that, and ordered that the sergeant be returned to his detention cell.

 

*****************************************************************************

 

On another level of the compound, Jack O'Neill lay in his bed, smiling as he watched Sam, sitting in a chair by his bed, fast asleep. It was the first time he could stay awake for more than a few minutes. As hard as he tried, he could not remember what had happened. He just enjoyed seeing Sam and the closeness, but a few minutes later, Janet Frasier entered the room, destroying the calmness of the moment.

 

"Colonel, you're awake," she said.

Glancing at Sam, she shook her head angrily.

"Why does anyone think they could do what they want here?" She said in Sam's direction.

Sam woke abruptly, blinking at Jack in surprise, then at Janet.

"Major Carter, did we not have a deal?" The doctor said halfheartedly.

Sam shrugged apologetically and smiled at Jack.

"Hi," she whispered softly.

"Hi," he greeted back, smiling again.

"How are you feeling?" She asked worriedly, taking his hand.

"That's my part," said the doctor.

"So? Colonel?" She demanded as she took his wrist and checked his pulse.

"Better," he stammered, wondering what he was recovering from.

"Why am I actually here?" He asked with a frown.

"Sir?"

Janet did not quite understand the question. He had to know why he was here!

Jack waited for an answer, looking helplessly at Sam. But even she said nothing at first.

"Jack," she suddenly sobbed, weeping. "Why did you do that?"

He stared at her for a moment, not knowing what to say.

"I, I know, it was not right to let my frustration out on you, Janet, I apologize for that, I did not mean to hurt you, certainly not you," he said, looking pleadingly at the doctor.

Janet Frasier and Samantha Carter looked at each other, confused.

"I know that, sir," she said, patting his shoulder lightly. “My reaction was inappropriate and unprofessional, I blamed myself when it happened and even now, I think I still have a degree of blame. "

"Why?" He asked, puzzled. "I was an ass, believe me, I know that." her patient confessed meekly.

"Jack," Sam whispered, starting to cry aloud.

He did not understand what was going on. He felt so helpless when she cried bitterly.

"Sam, I do not know what to say," he mumbled.

Janet took over the conversation "Sir, you really do not know why you are here?"

He shook his head. The doctor could see from his reaction that he was very confused. Nothing seemed to be clear to him. Jack frowned, looking puzzled between the two women.

"Colonel, we had to treat you for an overdose of opiates!" She said directly, eyes fixed.

Jack O'Neill stared at her wide-eyed, sitting up abruptly.

"Are you implying that you think I've tried to kill myself? That’s it, isn’t it? "He shouted again indignantly, barely able to control himself.

"Sir, that's a fact, not a guess," she said harshly, keeping his eyes fixed directly on her.

"I did not do that! I would not end my life this way, believe me! I'd rather be ........", he stopped suddenly, averted his eyes.

"What, Colonel?" She asked, already knowing the answer.

"Nothing, I did not do that!" He repeated angrily. Looking down at his bandaged hand, nervously playing with his fingers.

"Then how did the overdose happen, Colonel, explain it to me, please!" She demanded.

She tried to get eye contact with him, waiting for his explanation. She tried to lift his face, but he refused. Jack shuddered, he was terribly upset and unable to even look at her.

How could she believe he had tried to end his life with an overdose?

"I do not remember, I was so tired and suddenly had a terrible headache. I took one of the pills, the stuff did not help, so I took one more, I do not remember anymore," he assured her.

Janet looked at him, not knowing what to believe.

"Sir, you did not just take two of the pills, your blood counts are clear!"

"I do not remember," he yelled angrily at the doctor.

Jack begin trying to calm down as he saw Sam wince next to him. She said nothing, but cried incessantly. He hated seeing her like that. He gently took her hand in his and looked at her pleadingly.

"Sam, I did not do that, believe me," he sobbed, his voice hoarse and hoarse.

She would like to believe him so much. 

At the same moment the door opened and one of the nurses burst in.

"Doctor, there is an emergency in the holding cells," she called.

Janet ran away immediately, she had no other choice, she had to leave her friends alone in this difficult situation, whether she liked it or not.

A few minutes later, she and her team reached the holding cells, not knowing what to expect there. General Hammond, Teal'c, and several other people stood in front of the cell, all talking excitedly. Janet Frasier struggled to make her way through the crowd, suspecting nothing good when she entered the room. But what she eventually found there, she would never have expected.

The sergeant was dead!


	37. Chapter 37

Jack O'Neill lay in his bed, staring bored at the ceiling and counted for the thousandth time the individual panels of the ceiling. He was already alone for a full hour, bored unspeakably. Sam spent as much time with him as possible, but after Janet Frasier returned to the detention cells from this emergency, the two of them were suddenly in a hurry. They merely told him that General Hammond had called a meeting in which Sam had to attend. He wondered what had happened, but he did not get a satisfactory answer from either Frasier or Sam on his questions. He knew the two women were trying to block all off around him, which at first he was grateful for, but he was getting tired of it.   
Janet ordered him absolute rest, so he could quickly regain his strength. In his opinion, he had more rest in the last few days than he liked. After all, he had been unconscious for a full three days and it had been another two days since then, during which he mostly slept. He did not remember anything, most importantly he could not explain with the best of intentions how it had happened. But Jack realized that neither Doc Frasier nor Sam really seemed to believe him. They did not say it directly, but he could see it in both of their faces. He really did wish he had a plausible explanation.   
The constant lying around and doing nothing not only bored him, it slowly made him sick. Puffing, he sat on the edge of the bed and pushed aside the tray table with his food. They were constantly trying to make him eat and just the mere thought of it caused him to be sick. He carefully stood on his bare feet, and as a brief chill passed through him, he began to shake. ‘They have not even left me shoes’, he thought to himself, getting annoyed. Although Janet had expressly forbidden him to get up, he did think it exaggerated to ask for help every time he had to pee. Carefully, he examined his injured leg. The wound had already healed well, not as red as it was a few days ago, and it was hardly noticeable. The stitches can certainly come out soon, he thought to himself and stroked carefully over the seam.   
Just as he moved a bit away from his bed, realizing he was still a bit shaky on his legs, the door opened and Doctor McKenzie made his entrance. Groaning, Jack rolled his eyes, this was one quack he definitely did not miss  
.   
"Colonel" The psychiatrist greeted him kindly.

Walking quickly towards Jack as he saw the man stagger menacingly, and reaching for his arm, he quickly got Jack back into a sitting position. Jack O'Neill responded annoyed to the caring nature of this hated man. Every time Colonel McKenzie showed up, trouble was in the air.

"What do you want?" Jack grunted, not dreaming of hiding his anger from him. 

"I think you know why I'm here," he said confidently.

"I have nothing to say to you!" Jack mumbled as he lay down again, trying to hide his shiver from the man by turning his back provocatively on him.

Colonel McKenzie was unaffected by Jack’s lack of cooperation. He pulled one of the uncomfortable visitor chairs to the bed, sat down, folded his hands, and began to speak.

"Doctor Frasier told me what happened."

"Oh, I bet she has," he murmured, more to himself. 

“Colonel, we want to help you, but you also have to be ready to help."

"I do not need help, especially yours!" He grumbled, pulling the covers over his head a bit.

"If you ask me .............." the doctor began.

He was immediately interrupted by Jack O'Neill.

"No one is asking you here!" Jack yelled as he sat up, staring at him with eyes narrowed with anger.

“Colonel, I'm here, on behalf of General Hammond, Doctor Frasier, and Doctor Warner, they are very interested in my assessment of the matter. And Colonel, you know what consequences that will have for you so I would strongly advise you to cooperate."

"You would be glad if I did not corporate or if what they think is true, so that you can finally lock me away. That is what you are implying here!"

"Nobody wants to lock you up, Colonel, but I will be very honest with you, if you're not willing to cooperate, then ultimately I have no choice but to force you! You've tried to kill yourself although you insist you did not and you can only deny it so many times. You will not find anyone who will take the responsibility for it. You act as if nothing had happened, the simplest solution would be to train yourself and cooperate."

"For the last time, I did not try to kill myself!" Jack shouted, jumping up unexpectedly, threatening the psychiatrist. "I did not do that!" He said, this time with a little less emphasis.

Jack realized how upset he was and how unchecked he was again, trying to calm himself down.

"Sit down!" Dr. McKenzie demanded.

"I do not want to kill myself, why does no one believe me?" He asked quietly as his emotions slowly boiled down.   
McKenzie tried to talk to him again after a while.

"Colonel, I can imagine how you feel ........" he began, immediately interrupted by his patient.

"You can imagine how I feel, you are full of crap!" he said in rage.

This sentence finally caused Jack’s temper to overflow. It was like a bottle that had been shaken up and Jack could hardly contain himself. Once more, he was standing and was a threatening sight again before the doctor. 

"Sit down!" He shouted, quite loud this time. "Colonel, I just wanted to say, I can understand it, suicide seems like a seemingly quick, easy solution in such a situation."

That was the last straw! Before Jack realized what he was saying words were tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could stop them.

"I never would have ended my life this way, I wanted to scoop a bullet in the head, that would be my favorite way of killing myself," he snapped, without thinking.

"You wanted to shoot yourself?" The psychiatrist asked.

"No!" He lied, realizing at that moment what he had actually said.

"You said you wanted to shoot yourself!"

"No, I have not," he said, rubbing his temples confusedly. He suddenly looked extremely nervous on the doctor.

"You said you wanted to shoot yourself," the doctor replied calmly.

"No, I said I'd shoot myself!" He shouted again.

"You said you wanted to shoot yourself, I'm sure, Colonel, and why are you screaming?"

"Then I expressed myself wrong!" He admitted and held his head with both hands  
.   
"Are you all right?" McKenzie asked, looking worried.

Jack O'Neill massaged his temples with both hands, answering him in a snotty tone.   
"I would be much better, if you left me alone."

The man skipped that comment, knowing Jack O'Neill and his attitude toward him and his profession. After a short break he asked.

"Colonel, be honest, did you think of suicide after you received the diagnosis?" 

The officer took his hands off his head, looked bitterly at his counterpart. McKenzie could see, his fists clenched, his expression betraying the doctor, the man in front of him struggling to control his anger.

"So, Colonel?" He asked again, not relenting. 

"No, no, no," he shouted, noticing how shaky his voice suddenly sounded.

He did not look at the man, just stared at his hands, wishing he would finally leave him alone. He was tired, so tired.

"Have you ever thought of suicide before?" He asked suddenly, in a strangely calm tone. Jack O'Neill raised his head, staring at him.

"You know my file!" He stuttered.

"I want to hear it from you," he demanded.

Slowly it seemed to Jack that the whole thing got ugly. Just what exactly was this quack after? Was he really wanting Jack to commit suicide or just put him away for life?

“You dare turn this into a hanging rope for me! History has nothing to do with it, nothing at all! "He shouted indignantly, getting more and more restless.  
Now he could hardly control his anger, clawing his fingers into the mattress.

“Colonel, you have been depressed before. After losing your son, you blamed yourself for his death, did you not? You tried to shoot yourself, but you did not manage to kill yourself. On your first mission to Abydos, you were ready for anything, you had no intention of returning, and had already accepted that your life was finished. Am I not right? "

Jack's face hardened. He had not expected that! He did not want to talk about all these things. That was past and had nothing to do with it!!

"I think you're fragile and dangerous, have been from the beginning. As far as I am concerned Jack O’Neill you are nothing but a ticking time bomb!"

The doctor stopped and watched while his words melted into Jack, unaware of the rattle snake that was waiting to strike.

“When I joined the Stargate program, I objected to entrusting you with the leadership of a team, today I can say with a clear conscience that I was right, you've been acting recklessly all these years and what's worse, you have risked the lives of your team members recklessly. Its one thing to risk your own life with your suicide games, but endangering others is not fair, would you not agree, Colonel?" 

Jack O'Neill stared at him furiously.   
"What?" He yelled in horror.   
Stunned, he looked at the man. He would never frivolously risk the lives of others. That was just not true! 

"The next point: I read in your medical file, Doctor Frasier had to treat you because of a mysterious accident last year, just after you escaped from Baal's fortress."

“What?" Jack asked in shock. 

“The accident, Colonel." 

“There was nothing mysterious about that! I went off the road with my car. That was an accident you idiot!" he said to the man.

“You came off the road in your car and ricocheted into a tree, for no reason, there was no other vehicle involved, there were no witnesses, and it had not even rained. Even your blood samples were clean, no alcohol, no drugs, explain that to me, Colonel!" he demanded. 

Slowly, Jack felt the light throbbing in his head spread into a sharp pain, continuously rubbing his temples.

“I think it was not an accident," he accused.

“I do not care what you believe, just think what you want, you quack!" He snarled angrily.

“No explanation, not even the slightest attempt, can I say that is a confession?" he teased  
.   
"No, do not turn my own words against me all the time," the officer cursed, giving him a sour look.

“Do not make it so hard for us, Colonel!" The doctor said softly, slowly losing his patience. "Have your social contacts decreased lately? Would you even describe yourself as lonely?" Came his next question directly, ignoring Jack's accusation.   
Jack was speechless, suddenly paralyzed. His blood boiled, he could feel it, he tried to look calm on the outside, did not want to give the man the satisfaction he saw, how much he made these accusations. But his hands were shaking more and more and it took a lot of effort to hide it from the psychiatrist.   
“Colonel, your silence only confirms my suspicions. You suffer from depression and hide seemingly not only since the diagnosis. This has been going much longer, right? You were there most of the time well, because you wanted no one to get closer to you, unless absolutely necessary, am I right?” McKenzie stood in front of him, confident.   
Confident in himself and his diagnosis, making no secret of it to his patient. Jack had had enough of this pompous ass. What did the guy know about his life? Nothing! He only saw what he wanted to see.

"Leave me alone, I have nothing more to say!" He grumbled.

"Do you seriously believe that we can just leave it this way, not after all that has happened lately? However as stupid as it seems it would fit you. After all, your intelligence does not testify to any special intelligence, if you ask me! A suicide attempt in the infirmary? Even stupider, it is almost too much to believe!” He interjected, looking Jack provocatively in the eye.

At that moment, Jack had finally had enough. Before anyone could have foreseen it, Jack jumped up and grabbed the completely surprised doctor within seconds by the collar. He threw him with a skilful grip to the ground, and pressing against him so tight he could literally close his throat and Jack held him that position.   
His anger seemed boundless, and his actions were more instinct which allowed him not to even think about what he was doing. Squeezing the doctor, he pushed the man further and further from the air. The psychiatrist panicked into the jet-black, looking into the shimmering eyes of the man holding his life in his hands. Flaying helplessly with his arms, and gasping for air he thought about his words. He had not expected this, was his last thought as darkness surrounded him!


	38. Chapter 38

Even as the alarm rang, the officer did not seem to notice that he was no longer alone with the psychiatrist. He was bent over the man, his hands tight around the doctor's neck. It was only after Jack O'Neill was forcibly pulled by his victim by several people that he began to realize what he had done. Brutally, several men pushed him to the ground, handcuffing his hands clumsily behind his back and repeatedly pushing him down hard until Jack was unable to move.  
Finally he did not fight back. In the corner of his eye he saw one of the nurses take care of the gasping McKenzie. The man was now sitting upright, slowly recovering from his patient's brutal attack. After a few minutes, he rose, against the advice of the nurse and staggered towards Jack, bent down to him and whispered in his ear:  
"That was exactly the opportunity I was waiting for, I knew I could depend on you, Colonel."  
Then the doctor pulled an injection out of his pocket, waved to Lucy Price, and gave her a series of instructions. Jack panicked at the sight of the needle, knew exactly what McKenzie was up to, then fidgeted violently from under the hands of the soldiers who still held him in place.  
With all his strength he tried to escape the inevitable, but he had no chance. The young nurse did not feel good about what the doctor intended, in her opinion, this measure was not justified. Jack O'Neill was immobilized on the ground and did not resist. She stood rooted to the spot, not responding to the doctor's instructions, which gave her a wicked glare from the man.  
"Sergeant, are you refusing an order here?" He growled at the woman.

In the end, Lucy had no choice but to help him out. Insubordination was not an option in their position. It hurt her soul to see how rudely that man injected his patient with the strong tranquilizer. Jack cried out for a moment, making a few curses, then abruptly stopped.

McKenzie turned him slowly on the back, took his chin between his fingers, forced him to look him in the eyes and whispered:  
"I'm on the longer lever, you should never forget that, Colonel!"

McKenzie gave him a nasty grin and the nurse next to him a warning look, whispered, "That's the same for you, Sergeant!"

The officer could not react to that, suddenly everything around him became silent and dark.

At the same moment, Janet Fraiser entered the room, staring confusedly around.

"What happened?" She asked as she dropped to her knees, examining her friend.

"Colonel O'Neill attacked me, I had to sedate him, he acted like a wild animal, nearly killed me," McKenzie reported, pointing to his visibly drawn neck.  
The gaggles were clearly visible.  
"How did that happen?" Janet asked shocked.

"The man is a ticking time bomb, I've always warned you! That's the proof," he murmured in her direction.

"Why did not you wait until I got back, you knew I wanted to be there when you talk to him."

"I do not need viewers in my work, Doctor Fraiser, I've been practicing long enough to know what I'm dealing with here."

"With a dying, desperate man, you should not forget that, Doctor, what exactly did you say to him that could escalate the situation?"

"It does not matter, Doctor Fraiser, he attacked me, there's no excuse for that," he said firmly, looking morosely glaring at Sergeant Price.

While Janet tried desperately to appease the agitated psychiatrist somehow, some nurses took care of Jack O'Neill. Together, they heaved their patient back to bed.

"What did you give him?" Janet asked worriedly, checking his vital signs.

"Xanax, that'll keep him quiet for a while, I want you to fix him, he's dangerous to himself, and worse, to everyone else here."  
The doctor gave her colleague a bitter look, but had no other choice, at least not right now. Jack attacked the man, there was nothing to gloss over that, but luckily he did not seriously hurt him. She did not want to imagine what would have happened if Lucy had not been around. Janet looked at Sergeant Price, nodded to her. Lucy helped her supervisor strap the sedated colonel to the bed. As she tightened the strap on his wrist, she whispered:

"That's just not right."

Janet looked at her in surprise, had heard her objection, although the young nurse had probably talked to herself, did not even know that Janet looked at her questioningly.  
The doctor had to talk to Lucy as soon as she had an opportunity, she had the unfortunate feeling that more had happened here than the psychiatrist admitted. After Jack was fixed, Lucy lovingly cared for her patient, had to admit that anything about this man fascinated her uncannily. Believe it or not, she had to admit she had feelings for him, just hoping nobody would ever notice.

 

In the meantime, Doctor Fraiser was examining her colleague in another part of the infirmary.

"I want you to document everything, Doctor Fraiser," the doctor demanded.

"Doctor McKenzie, I do not want to approve of Colonel O'Neill's behavior here, certainly not, but the man is sick, the tumor is to blame for his impulsive actions, you should be aware of that. It's like he just blows a fuse at some point, so he can’t control himself anymore, and he can’t do anything. "  
"You are not suggesting that it was my fault that he attacked me, nearly killed me? I just went to work, as usual, he was not very cooperative, I did my best to get him It is not my fault if he does not want to accept the obvious and completely loses his temper.  
But he tried to end his life with his own hands, and not for the first time, of course. And I prophesy to you, certainly not for the last time. The man shows clear symptoms of deep depression and I will do my utmost to stop him from attempting another suicide attempt! "

"What do you mean by that?", The doctor wanted to know, looked at him questioningly.

"I'll admit him to the clinic, Doctor Fraiser! If necessary, compulsorily, I'll give him the choice! He has the opportunity to prove himself, which would undoubtedly be the better option for him." If he opposes, I'll request a court order. That should not be a problem in his case. "  
"What?" snapped the doctor, not trusting her ear.  
"You can’t seriously consider that, not in his situation!"  
Slowly she got angry.  
"And if, I can! Everything else you can see from my report," he said as he jumped off the examination table.  
Janet looked at him in puzzlement, would most like to grab the man and shake him vigorously.  
"So we're done here?" He asked, already walking as he turned at the door again.  
"Doctor, the medical report on my injuries, I expect as soon as possible. This might be helpful, should it come to a judicial hearing," he said and left the infirmary with a nasty grin.  
Janet watched the man, shaking his head in disgust. Was this man always such a disgust?

 

Ten minutes later she was sitting in her office talking to Sergeant Price. She hoped for information that might help her friend. She could not shake the feeling that something was occupying the young woman.  
"Lucy, can you tell me exactly what happened when you got into Colonel O'Neill's room?"  
Lucy sat in front of her, avoiding eye contact, intimidated.  
Janet Fraiser walked around her desk, sat down in the second chair, which stood in front of the desk, slid close to the young woman.  
"So, what did you see? You can talk openly with me, sergeant, everything you tell me stays with us for now," she said.  
The young woman hesitated, playing uncertainly with her hands.  
"Please, Lucy, the Colonel needs all the help he can get, Dr. McKenzie wants to get him enrolled in psychiatry, so if you can do anything to help him, please do it now."  
She stared in horror at her boss. With tears in her eyes, she finally told her what she had heard when Doctor McKenzie spoke to the Colonel and what happened afterwards.  
"As I passed Colonel O'Neill's room, I could hear Dr. McKenzie and the Colonel talking loudly, Colonel O'Neill was very upset, screaming, getting louder and louder to stay, not that I wanted to listen ............. "  
"You did it right," Janet reassured her. "What happened then?", She asked, slipping impatiently in her chair.  
"Then suddenly I heard loud rumbling and screaming," she continued  
"And then?" urged Janet.  
"I ran into the room as fast as I could and immediately raised the alarm when I saw Colonel O'Neill hanging over Colonel McKenzie, obviously holding his breath, trying to talk to him, but he did not respond to me at all When the reinforcements arrived and the men overwhelmed Colonel O'Neill, I first took care of Doctor McKenzie, and after feeling better he went to Colonel O'Neill and gave him an injection, even though the Colonel was very calm and did not resist."  
Janet's eyes got bigger.  
"He had the syringe already in his pocket, then he said something to him about how he would sit on the longer lever, he should remember that, then looked at me and said that was the same for me," she murmurs.  
Janet listened stunned to the descriptions of Lucy, could hardly believe what she heard.

"He was sedating him, even though it was not necessary, is that what you want to tell me?", Janet asked, quite sure she wanted to go, she had understood that correctly.  
"Yes, ma'am, Colonel O'Neill was lying on his stomach on the floor, two men were holding him in the position with his hands behind his back, he could not move at all and did not even try When the Colonel realized what Doctor McKenzie was up to, he got restless and tried to fight back, but of course he had no chance.". sobbed more and more towards the end.  
"And Doctor McKenzie threatened you, I see that, right?", She stated again.  
"That's what I felt, Doctor," she sobbed.  
"Thank you very much, Lucy, you helped me a lot, I think your statement also helps Colonel O'Neill, but you know that if I pass that on, you will be asked in detail, but only then can we Colonel help, do not worry, Doctor McKenzie certainly is not on the longer lever, do not let him intimidate you, that would be even nicer! What does the guy actually think who he is? "She scolded.  
"He treated the Colonel so badly, no doctor should treat a patient like that," Sergeant Price said, shaking his head in disbelief and sadness.  
"No, that's not how it should be and I will not tolerate such a behavior here on my station at no cost!" She scolded loudly, banging her fist on her desk so that her pen over the edge at the other end of the table jumped.

 

When it knocked on her office door about half an hour later, Janet waved her visitor in while she was still on the phone.  
"Thank you very much, Charles, you have helped me so much, yes, if I have any questions, I'll let you know again, and thanks again for taking your time so quickly, it was really important."  
Then she said goodbye to her interlocutor and turned to her friend, who was running impatiently up and down her desk.  
"Sam, sit down, you make me nervous."  
I want to know if that's true, as Doctor McKenzie claims, Janet, tell me it's not true! "She whispered in panic.  
Janet approached her friend, took her into a tight hug, tried to calm her down. For some time neither spoke. Sam cried, Janet simply waited until the young woman calmed down again before she spoke.  
"He said Jack wanted to kill him and he'd make sure he was not a threat to anyone anymore, what does that mean?" She sobbed.  
"Sam, first of all, Jack's fine, McKenzie gave him a strong sedative, but he's okay, he'll would sleep for a while longer."

"What?" Sam shouted, could barely contain himself.  
"Jack attacked Doctor McKenzie, I'm not sure how it was startet, Doctor McKenzie was not necessarily communicative in that regard, but unfortunately this man is convinced Jack poses a danger to himself and others."  
"That means?" Sam asked in a frightened voice, did not feel good.  
"He wants to lock him up, Sam!" She murmured angrily, still could not believe how heartless this man acted.  
He can’t do, he can’t do that, Janet! He can’t do that easily, can he? "  
Sam's voice almost derailed, she was shocked, had not expected that. "I've just talked to an old friend, he's a lawyer, and I wanted to know what the legal situation is, and a complicated subject, the boundaries between the possibilities that Jack has, are floating," she groaned.  
"Charles tried to explain it to me in a few simple words: Jack has two options: once self-referral, he volunteers for psychiatry, and if he finds it unhelpful, can theoretically resign himself."  
"That does not sound bad .......", sighed Sam  
"But ......... if Doctor McKenzie has any concerns about dismissing him ......."  
"Could he do that?"

"If he considers him at risk for suicide, he can deny him discharge and then file a request forinvoluntary commitment, if Jack does not follow his recommendations and remains voluntary. I hate to say that, but I'm sure, he would. He told me, he thinks Jack will try to kill himself again, and apart from that, Jack would have to ask for help on self-instruction."  
"He would never do that! What's the second option?" She asked, already suspecting the answer.  
McKenzie comes to his senses and changes his plans. However, should it really come to a court order that Charles considers unlikely in Jack's diagnosis, then Jack has nothing to say about his treatment. MacKenzie can order anything he deems necessary, even against Jack's will. "  
"How would it end, should not McKenzie soften and lock him up in the psychiatry?"  
"He would first send him to psychiatry, to a closed ward, and within 48 hours McKenzie would then have to show him to a judge, and the judge will, as far as possible, get an overview of his case, based on the advice of the attending physicians, in the case of Colonel McKenzie.If the judge agrees to the request, he determines the length of stay alone, but can be extended again and again, according to the doctor, no improvement in his condition have stopped."  
"Oh, Janet, both options ultimately come down to the same thing, how can that be?”  
A judge decides the fate of a human being based on the judgment of a single doctor?" He does not get another opinion, that's not right! "  
"That's the law, Sam, there's some gray space between voluntary self-instruction and a court-ordered forced assignment, but maybe it will not come to that!" We still have an ace up our sleeve, and we'll confront Colonel McKenzie first, and hope he does think about it again."  
"What is it?"  
"I do not want to say anything about that yet, but his good reputation could be damaged if that makes the rounds."  
"A lever?"  
"Let's call it a little food for thought," Janet grinned, even encouraging her friend to believe in the good. A little luck Jack will probably be granted, the doctor thought to herself and gave herself confidently


	39. Chapter 39

General Hammond sat at his desk and even without Colonel McKenzie’s angered words, the General did not know where his own thoughts was. What the Colonel was saying seemed to pull the ground out from under the General’s feet. In his usual quiet way, he tried to calm the visibly disturbed doctor. But Dr. McKenzie did not even think about calming down. On the contrary, George Hammond felt that the more he tried to calm him, the more annoyed the psychiatrist became.

"You cannot just ignore it, General, the man almost killed me. You must finally realize that I was right, with what I've always said. I prophesied to you years ago that one day, it would happen. And with that “supposed tumor” in his head, he is worse now than ever! “Colonel McKenzie shouted.

"Doctor, I do not mean to offend you, but do you not think you're over-dramatizing the whole thing? I know Colonel O’Neill, his impulsive actions are part of his illness, whether you believe he has one or not. He does not act as he normally would if he were not sick. I have talked to Dr. Frazier - he cannot control it. Of course, it may seem as if he is more aggressive when it comes to you than others – even when he is sick, I agree with you. Of course, that may be because of your attitude towards him, but what you intend to do is unacceptable and incorrect. He has only limited time to live, you realize that? "  
General Hammond knew that McKenzie edged Jack on – he had known that since the two men met each other the first time. Jack did not care for the man either and so the fire was easily kindled when it involved those two.

“But I'm telling you this for the last time, he's dangerous, and he's going to try to kill himself again, he's extremely suicidal, I'm sure, and I'm not going to make that realization easily overlooked, it is my duty to prevent it. "

"By imprisoning him?" shouted George Hammond, barely managing himself. “He needs help, I see that, but not in that way. And I would advise you to reconsider that thought, Colonel."

"You are not being objective, General. You must understand even if it may not seem so, I just want to help the man. That is my job, after all and I will not let you nor Dr. Frasier stop me. He needs urgent help, we all agree on that, and that's exactly what I'll give him, even if it is against his will."  
"That is not the right way. I will do my best to prevent you going through with that, Doctor!"

"You're guided by your personal feelings, sir, that's the problem here! Ask yourself if you would act that way when it comes to any officer," the doctor snapped.  
George Hammond burned on the inside, what gave this man the right to talk to him like this? Yeah sure, Jack O'Neill was not indifferent to him, he had grown fond of him all these years, even though he doubted the man's mind on certain days. But General Hammond was well aware that he had to remain objective and act that way, and he always did!

"Doctor McKenzie, I'm not sure what got into you, but I'll tell you one thing, no matter who it is that you may speak of, to imprison a terminally ill person, I do not like it either way. Do you not have a spark of compassion? "

"Compassion? I can’t allow myself any feelings of emotion in my position, you should be aware of that, and I will not stand by and watch him kill himself, whether terminally ill or not, either he cooperates, or I will have him committed, it is as easy as that! "he snapped at the general.

"Doctor McKenzie, I can’t imagine, should it really come to that, that you will find a judge who supports your project."

"Let me worry about that, General. And besides, Colonel O'Neill can expect a report on his file after this – after all he did attempt to kill me!

 

Meanwhile at the infirmary:

Janet Frasier and Samantha Carter were standing by his bedside, while the doctor was talking to one of the nurses, Sam was already crying again. Suddenly she felt a hand on her arm.

"Will you help me untie the straps, Sam?" She asked, smiling at her friend.

"Really?" Sam whispered in surprise.

Janet grinned. "Really. With the new findings, I can’t justify the binding! "

"What about McKenzie?" The blonde asked worriedly. "He will not agree."

"I do not care what McKenzie says about this, this is my infirmary! I do what I think is right and unless I receive any official instruction to the contrary, he has nothing to say here. What he did is unacceptable and I will not just accept that! "

"What's next, Janet?"

"First and foremost, I'll talk to General Hammond, tell him how the struggle really happened. I'll bet Colonel McKenzie took advantage of the opportunity to tell the general his point of view already. Let's hope the man comes to his senses and this does not end badly. 

"He can’t lock Jack up, he just can’t!" Sam sobbed.

"That will not happen, Sam, I promise you!"

She assured her best friend and took her in her arms, encouraging her. In her mind, Janet Frasier already had a promising plan and hoped for support from her supervisor in the implementation.  
About half an hour later, Doctor Frasier was on Level 28 and told her supervisor about her latest findings.

"If what you've just said here is true, then it's safe to assume that Dr. McKenzie did not enter a conversation with Colonel O'Neill with any good intentions, or is it common practice now to have a ready-to-use syringe with narcotics with you? "

"Absolutely not, General! Not to mention the fact that he used the tranquilizer, although it was not necessary. Sergeant Price's testimony confirms that. And there are more witnesses to the incident who are certainly willing to admit the same. I do not even know what drove the man to react with such intention. I was not able to have a rational conversation with him. He is obsessed with the idea of having Jack O'Neill put away."

"I know what you mean, Doctor, I have not been able to bring him to his senses either, he dismissed all comments on my part and finally disappeared from my office furious, insisting his way is the right one."

General Hammond groaned inwardly. How was he going to find out the truth about this situation when one participant was unable to communicate at all and the other only communicated irrationally?

"Be honest, Doctor, does he have a realistic chance to enforce the diagnosis?"

"He would have to find a judge to approve his request, share his view, but seriously, what reasonable person would do such a thing to a seriously ill person, with no prospect of cure?”

Janet stopped talking and looked at the General with a look of almost horror. Her next statement worried the General more than he was already.  
"But I'm worried, sir, why is Doctor McKenzie acting this way. He is acting as if he already knows he can get his way - it seems like he still has an ace up his sleeve. "

"What do you suggest, doctor, we must try to help O’Neill and I am willing to do whatever is in my power. But I must confess, I am at a loss.”

"I was hoping you would say something like that, sir!"

Janet smiled at her supervisor and immediately began to introduce him to her plan.

"Good, Doctor, I'm totally behind you in this matter, do what needs to be done!" General Hammond stated.

 

 

Jack O'Neill slowly came to himself. The first thing he saw was Sam sitting by his side, slowly stroking her hand over the back of his and staring at it, lost in thought. It took several minutes before he could think straight and was able to communicate.

"McKenzie?" He murmured in a rough voice.

Sam looked up, startled.

"Jack, you are awake."

He blinked at her questioningly, deep lines on his forehead.

"Do not worry, Jack, he is not here."

"It's not true, it's not true!" He stammered excitedly.

Sam could see how upset Jack was and tried to calm him down.  
"Jack, stay calm, nobody, no one really shares this man's opinion. Sergeant Price told Janet what happened, how unjustifiably McKenzie acted ..................."  
But Jack seemed not to hear her. He became more and more agitated, as if he had a secret that had to be told.

"It's not true, I did not want to kill myself. It was an accident, it was an accident!"

He tried to speak but it was coming out as if it were a whine, begging for someone to hear him. Sam could see he was trying to sit up. She tried to get him to stay lying down. She did not understand the context of what he was saying and was becoming increasingly worried about him. She tried talking to him, he looked so pale.

She finally contacted the nurses when she could no longer keep him from getting up. On shaky legs he stood in front of his bed, talking again and again about the “accident”. Even Janet, who was informed immediately, could not make rhyme nor reason from his stammering. She could see, however, that it was hard for him to make sense of what he was trying to explain, and he became more and more agitated.

"Sir, calm down! Remember what happened, you took the pills?"

"No, no, it was an accident."

"I do not understand what you mean, sir. What accident are you talking about?" She asked, slightly confused.

"The accident, I did not want to kill myself. I strayed off the road. I did not do it on purpose. You have to believe me,"  
Jack stammered excitedly, clinging to Sam for support when he almost lost his balance.

Janet reached over to help her Sam support the man and slowly the doctor realized what Jack was talking about.  
Sam looked questioningly at her friend. She still had no idea what this was all about.

"Colonel, no one questioned that," Janet assured him.

Jack looked at her in astonishment and suddenly fell silent.

"Or is it? Did Doctor McKenzie say so, Sir, I have to know, did he accuse you of that?

Jack looked at her questioningly, now visibly confused, finally allowing the two women to help him back to his bed without a grunt. His reaction was answer enough for both. Janet could not believe it. What did the idiot say to him? Slowly she realized why the officer had attacked the doctor. Sam still looked at her friend with a questioning look. Janet briefly took Sam aside while one of the nurses took care of the colonel.

"The colonel had this accident shortly after the Baal incident. Jack suffered from severe sleep disturbances at the time, which I knew, but he refused to take sleeping pills. One morning when he came in to the base, he had an accident with his vehicle and I was surprised he was not seriously injured, do you remember? I suspected that the cause of the accident was micro sleep, so I noted it in his file."

"And McKenzie thinks he wants to kill himself and is using that incident against him now?" Sam said indignantly.

"I'm afraid so."

 

 

Three hours later:

"Are you alright?"

Samantha asked, looking to her right, watching him for a while. Jack was sitting silently in the passenger seat staring out the window.  
They had been traveling for over an hour and he had not said a word the whole time. She knew he did not agree with her plan, but they had no other choice now.

"I'm fine," he mumbled

Yet he sat there, still staring out the passenger window, watching the trees fly past the roadside.

"Too bad we can’t hide in your cabin, if it's really as idyllic as you always want us to believe. I'd love to sit at the lake with you and just let my legs dangle in the water. I'm looking forward to forgetting all for a moment and just not having to worry, "she enthused.

"I'm sorry, Sam, I can’t do that, I can’t pretend that nothing is wrong, And I refuse to take your carefree life, your zest for life, your wonderful laugh away from you. It hurts my soul, to think of you sad, I do not want you to throw your life away for me! "he whispered.

Sam hit the brakes hard, abruptly stopping the car on the side of the road and looking sternly at him, but Jack continued to stare out the window. She put a hand on his arm, wanted him to look at her, but he would not.

"Jack, I thought we clarified that, I love you, no matter what. Of course, I'm sad, that's because I have every reason to be. I am not going to suppress my feelings, I am pissed that we did not get to spend more of our lives together.”  
Sam took a shaking breath to calm herself, she did not want to show him tears right now.  
“I decided to live with you! I know what I'm getting into, and I do not want you to blame yourself in any way on my situation, do you hear? It is my own decision! I love you more than my own life, you fool."  
She loosened her seatbelt, leaned over to him and took his chin in her hand. She turned his head slowly in her direction, forcing him to look her straight in the eye. Tears formed in Jack’s eyes as Sam finally kissed him tenderly. Then he loosened his belt with one hand and pulled her into a tight hug. Together, they sat there and held each other, letting time and the world slip by.

"You would love it there. The loneliness of pure nature. Why do we not just go to Minnesota, we have everything we need!" He whispered in her ear.  
Sam broke away from him, looking at him in surprise.

"Jack, I would love nothing better, believe me, but as Janet said, it's too dangerous, so far from civilization. If there's a problem, it would take forever for us to get medical attention and we cannot risk that. I will not risk that. "

"It will not happen, I'm fine! Otherwise the Napoleonic power monger would never have let me out of her clutches." He grunted with a mischievous grin, then burst out laughing.

Sam also managed a big grin. It was damn good to see him laughing.

"Just do not let Janet hear that!"

She joked and tapped him on the tip of his nose admonishingly.

"I think the place we chose also has its charms," she winked at him, kissing him passionately


End file.
